How to stop hurting those you despise

Feelings of hatred towards someone can make you want to harm them when anger takes over. However, hitting someone rarely resolves anything and will only come back to haunt you with guilt, leave a bad reputation, or even lead to a lawsuit. The ability to control your emotions and resolve conflicts will help you find a non-violent way to handle your feelings.

Walk away. Distance yourself from those you feel like attacking. If you're extremely angry, it's better to leave (you don’t even have to explain why) and give yourself time to cool off instead of getting into a physical altercation.

• If you're with a friend, decide whether you should be alone or talk about your anger with them.

Take a deep breath. To experience the full benefits of relaxation through deep breathing, you need to breathe deeply with your diaphragm. Place your hand on your diaphragm (between your abdomen and chest) and breathe deeply until your hand moves as your stomach expands. Then slowly exhale.

• Focus on your breathing and repeat this process 8-10 times or until you feel you've regained emotional control.

Apply progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation involves consciously tensing and relaxing muscles in your body. By intentionally tightening your muscles, you can redirect your anger into a different form. To practice progressive muscle relaxation, take a few deep breaths, then follow these steps:

• Start with your face and head. Tense the muscles for 20 seconds, then relax them.
• Do the same for other muscle groups in your body from top to bottom. Tighten and stretch the muscles in your shoulders, arms, back, hands, abdomen, legs, feet, and toes.
• Breathe deeply and relax your muscles from your toes to your head.

Talk to yourself positively. Repeat an encouraging mantra like: "I can control my actions." Try to shift your negative thoughts about someone to a more positive perspective. Change your thinking (also called "cognitive restructuring") from focusing on irrational, frustrated thoughts to more realistic ones. Positive thinking can help you resist violent impulses.

• For example, instead of thinking: "I hate this person and I want to hit him," you can think: "I don’t need to spend time on this person, I can move past this violent urge."

Distract yourself to forget the anger. Finding pleasant distractions to forget about the people who are making you angry can help you move past your anger and maintain control over your actions. A distraction could be something enjoyable, such as playing video games, shopping, taking a walk, engaging in a hobby, or playing pool with a friend.

Remind yourself that the anger is not worth it. Even if you think you might feel satisfaction from punching someone you despise, it won't likely make you feel better in the way you imagine. Additionally, you may get caught or sued for assault, leading to wasted money and time.

• You can tell yourself: "Although this person annoys me, they're not worth my time. It’s not worth losing time at work just to end up in jail or court. I don’t want to waste energy on this person while walking down the street. I will leave instead of getting involved with them."

Limit alcohol consumption. If you find yourself in a situation where you're around someone you dislike, it's best to avoid drinking. Alcohol can lead to unnecessary conflicts and impair your ability to control your actions effectively.

Practice self-awareness. Recognizing when you're about to lose control and potentially become violent can help prevent you from entering a state of unconscious behavior. Monitor your thoughts and body reactions for signs of an impending outburst. You may be on the brink of violence if you start feeling:

• Muscle tension and clenching your teeth
• Headaches or stomachaches
• Increased heart rate
• Sudden sweating or trembling
• Dizziness

Continue enhancing conflict resolution skills. Most people don’t intend to resort to violence; it happens as a reaction to strong emotions or escalating conflict. You can prevent yourself from reacting violently by strengthening your conflict resolution skills. Some strategies for improving or strengthening conflict resolution include:

• Practice delaying gratification. Practicing delay in other areas of life can help improve overall conflict resolution. For example, if you typically sit down to watch your favorite show as soon as you get home, try changing the routine by completing some household chores for an hour first. Embracing this delay can help develop willpower.
• Pre-plan “if-then” scenarios. For instance, you could decide beforehand: “If this person insults me or my friends, I will walk away.”
• Improve physical health. Some studies have linked physical fitness and muscle strength through regular exercise to better conflict management and willpower.

Acknowledge your emotions. Accept that you dislike someone and feel angry when you're around them. Understand that this is perfectly normal. You may not change how you feel or think about the person, but you can always choose how to deal with them. Every time you speak or act, you are choosing the words and actions you'll use.

• For example, you might think to yourself: “I don’t like this person. The way they speak to me and my friends makes me want to hit them. Feeling angry and not liking someone is normal, but I won’t let them manipulate me into a fight.”

Engage in moderate exercise. Exercise can help release pent-up “angry energy.” It also boosts your mood by activating endorphins in the brain, neurotransmitters that make you feel happier.

• Regular exercise can help regulate emotions and improve conflict management over time, while making you feel more at ease in the present.

Identify the conflict. Conflict occurs when differences in perspectives escalate to the point of affecting relationships between individuals. Strong emotions often accompany conflict. Conflicts usually don't resolve themselves unless specifically addressed.

Focus on maintaining or repairing the relationship. Even if you dislike or even hate the person you’re in conflict with, it might be the conflict itself causing those feelings. Frame your approach to resolving the conflict with the intention of preserving your relationship with the other person.

Stay calm and composed. Staying calm helps you listen and respond appropriately to the other person’s perspective. Maintaining composure also helps prevent the conflict from escalating, as people involved in the conflict will typically respond positively to a calm demeanor.

Manage your emotions. This can be quite challenging, but it’s crucial to maintain emotional control during conflicts. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel or express your emotions; it simply means that you should not let your emotions dictate your actions or attitude.

• Additionally, understanding your own emotions can help you recognize the feelings of others involved in the conflict. This understanding will enable you to empathize with the other person’s perspective.

Acknowledge the emotions and words of the other party. This can be difficult, especially if you are in conflict with someone you don’t like. However, accepting the emotions of the other person helps resolve the conflict. It helps you understand why the other person is acting the way they are. Acknowledging their feelings can make them realize how much you understand them, which may ease the tension of the situation.

Respect differing personalities and viewpoints. Some conflicts arise from unresolved differences in opinion. Maintain respect for someone even if you don’t reach an agreement on the issue that caused the conflict.

Find a resolution for your conflict. It’s important to work together to identify the specific issues at hand and brainstorm solutions. This may require flexibility and negotiation, but if both parties (or all involved) are willing to collaborate, a resolution is possible.

Assess whether you have anger issues. If you often feel the urge to physically harm someone, it may indicate an anger problem. Anger can be both beneficial and detrimental. You might need to address anger issues on your own or with professional help if you experience any of the following:

• You get angry over trivial matters.
• Your anger leads to aggressive behavior, including yelling, shouting, or physically attacking someone.
• The problem is persistent, occurring frequently.
• You find yourself more irritable or violent when under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Learn how to meditate. Meditation can help regulate your emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions towards others, take a mental break by meditating. Regular meditation can help you manage your feelings, allowing you to maintain control over your actions.

• Practice slow, deep breathing. This can lower your heart rate. Your breath should be deep enough to make your stomach rise when you inhale.
• Visualize a white, golden light surrounding your body as you breathe in, relaxing your mind. When you exhale, imagine dark or cloudy energy leaving your body.
• Make meditation a daily habit, even when you're not angry. This will help you feel calmer in general.

Join an anger management class. Anger management programs have proven to be very effective. These programs help you understand your anger, develop short-term coping strategies, and build emotional control skills. There are many options available to find a program that suits you.

• Some programs are available in your area and may be tailored for specific age groups, professions, or life circumstances.
• To find an anger management program, try searching online for "anger management classes" along with the name of your city, state, or region. You can also ask your doctor or therapist for recommendations or check local community centers for self-improvement courses.

Seek therapy treatment. The best way to prevent yourself from physically harming others is to identify and treat the root causes of your anger. A specialist can teach you relaxation techniques for dealing with people you dislike. They will also help you develop emotional coping skills and improve communication. Additionally, a psychologist specializing in resolving past issues (such as childhood neglect or abuse) can help ease anger tied to past events.

• You can search for anger management therapists in your area. For instance, visit this website if you're located in North America, or this website if you're in the United Kingdom.