How to Stop Judging and Criticizing Others

Having a critical mindset or tendency to criticize can create tension in your work and personal relationships, but changing your way of thinking can be challenging. Reducing judgmental or critical behavior takes time and practice, but there are several methods that can help shift your perspective. For example, you can teach yourself how to challenge critical thoughts, focus on others' strengths, and learn how to give constructive feedback instead of being harsh and negative. Over time, you'll find yourself appreciating and encouraging others more than judging and criticizing them.

Pause when you begin to form judgmental thoughts. These thoughts often come up automatically, so sometimes you need to learn how to stop them. You should make an effort to become more aware of your critical thoughts and take a moment to examine them when they arise.

• When you realize that you are being critical, the first step is to acknowledge it. For example, if you’re thinking, 'I can't believe she let her child leave the house like that,' you should pause and recognize that you are judging someone else.

Challenge your critical thinking. Once you've clearly identified your tendency to judge and criticize, it's important to challenge it. You can do this by reflecting on the assumptions you make about others.

• For example, when thinking, 'I can't believe she lets her child leave the house like that,' you're assuming the woman is a bad mother or doesn't care about her child. However, the truth could be that the mother had a very busy morning and felt embarrassed because her child was wearing a dirty shirt or had messy hair.

Try to empathize. After you've considered the assumptions you've made about the situation, it's time to find ways to empathize with the person you're judging. You should try to offer a justification for their behavior.

• For example, you might justify the messy mother by thinking, 'Parenting isn't easy, and sometimes things don't go as planned. When my child leaves the house in a dirty shirt (or when I leave the house covered in mud), I know I'm going through a tough time.'

Identify others' strengths. Focusing on qualities you admire or appreciate in others will help prevent you from making hasty judgments and instead allow you to value them more. Try to think of the qualities you admire in people around you to prevent yourself from criticizing them.

• For instance, remind yourself that your colleague is kind and always listens when you speak. Or, you can remind yourself that your friend is creative and always makes you laugh. Focus on the positive traits instead of the negative ones.

Let go of what you've done for others. If you feel like people owe you, it will contribute to you becoming stricter with them and lead to resentment. Instead, try to forget the times you've helped others and focus on what they've done for you.

• For example, you might feel frustrated with a friend because you lent them money and they haven't repaid you. Instead, try to focus on the good things that friend has done for you.

Clarify your goals. Sometimes, people struggle to achieve goals because they are too abstract, and ending judgmental and critical behavior is a large objective. You may find it easier to tackle specific, smaller goals rather than a grand one. Try to think about the specific aspect of criticizing and judging others that you want to change.

• For instance, do you want to compliment others more often? Or would you like to learn how to give more constructive criticism? Make your goal as specific as possible to increase the chances of achieving it.

Pause for a moment. You shouldn't criticize someone right after they take an action. If possible, offer them praise first, and then follow up with your critique. This method gives you a chance to reflect on the best way to express your criticism and increases the likelihood that the other person will view it positively.

• Only offer feedback when necessary. For example, if you wish to critique someone after their presentation, it’s best to wait until a day or two before their next presentation.

Present a criticism sandwiched between two compliments. This approach, known as the “sandwich method,” is a way of delivering criticism. To apply it, start with a kind remark, then share your critique, and finish with another positive comment.

• For instance, you might say, “Your presentation was fantastic! Occasionally, I found it a bit hard to follow due to the fast pace, but if you slow down a little in your next presentation, it would be perfect!”

Use statements beginning with “I” instead of “You”. Starting a critique with the word “you” can make it sound like you’re trying to argue, putting the other person on the defensive. Instead of beginning with “you,” aim to use “I” instead.

• For example, instead of saying “You always interrupt when I’m speaking,” you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when I’m interrupted while speaking.”

Request a change in behavior for the future. A gentler way to offer feedback is to frame it as a request for future behavior. This is less severe than pointing out something someone has just done or demanding they alter their behavior immediately.

• For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your socks on the floor!” you could rephrase it like, “Could you please pick up your socks and put them in the laundry basket next time?”