Buzz
Dealing with the longing for someone is far from easy. Whether they’ve left for a short period, decided to end the relationship, are no longer in this world, or have moved to a new city, the pain and yearning you feel are completely natural responses to such a loss. You need to learn coping strategies to ease the difficulties tied to missing someone. These strategies will help you gradually find peace, acceptance, and the understanding that they are no longer present, though you will never forget them.
Steps
Dealing with Short-Term Separation
Count down the days. Mark each passing day on a calendar and celebrate yourself for getting through another day. Focus on living one day at a time. The absence of your loved one will change your life. For those who must reorganize their lives after the other person leaves, focusing on how to successfully navigate each day is crucial!
Focus on other relationships. Time is a precious gift. Now you have the opportunity to connect with people you care about but haven’t spent enough quality time with. These individuals might include your partner, spouse, or family members who don’t live with you.
- If you’re married and your children have grown up and left for college, this is the perfect time to tackle tasks you’ve been putting off.
Prepare gifts. Create thoughtful gifts and send them to the other person. Each item you purchase gives you a chance to focus on them, do something special for them, and express your affection. If you have children, dedicate an evening each week to crafting and drawing together, then include their creations in the gift package.
Dedicate time to projects you desire. Keeping busy with household tasks can distract you and improve your living environment. Focusing on tasks and completing them will make time pass faster. Some days may be tough, but there’s always something you can do.
- Reorganize your life while the other person is away. Turn your living space into a welcoming place they’ll be excited to return to. Even simple tasks like cleaning and organizing can make a significant difference. This gives you something to do and yields positive results.
- Plant greenery to bring life to your home.
- Clean windows and curtains. Everyone enjoys a clear view outside.
- Repaint a faded fence.
- Fix squeaky doors, leaky faucets, or take broken items for repair.
- Enhance your home’s exterior. Plant colorful flowers along the walkway or place a beautiful potted plant on the porch to brighten up your space.
Make long-term plans. Create plans that require significant time and effort to complete. If you have ample time, consider starting a project that won’t be finished until the other person returns. This gives both of you something to look forward to and holds you accountable for fulfilling your promise.
- If your spouse is away on business, let them know you plan to complete a project like building a small wooden deck in the yard.
- If you have children, engage in a project that helps you and the kids cope with the absence.
- Start designing the garden you’ve always wanted.
- Fundraise for a cause important to your spouse, like supporting the military. Reporting progress will make them feel loved and essential, even from afar.
Plan regular communication during the separation. Stay in touch through Skype, email, or handwritten letters and cards. This is beneficial because it gives you something to anticipate. Writing letters can make you feel closer to them, and receiving replies is equally exciting. The positive feelings may fade over time, but this practice helps you manage the period of separation effectively.
Moving Forward After a Breakup
Take time to process your emotions. If you're dealing with a breakup, especially after a serious relationship, one of the hardest things to do is to move on. Allow yourself to cry, feel angry, confused, and express all the emotions you've been holding inside.
- Everyone experiences emotions differently. You might cry a lot, or you might prefer to write down your feelings. Each person has their own way of coping.
- Avoid crowded places for a while or confide in friends or family. Some people prefer not to share their emotions, and that's perfectly okay.
- Writing down your thoughts can help you identify the emotions causing your pain.
- Don't be ashamed of your pain, even if others think your relationship wasn't serious. No one can truly understand your pain because it's yours alone.
Grieving the end of a relationship. Most people are taught how to handle gains but rarely how to deal with loss. This leaves many unprepared for the losses life brings. Whether it's a relationship, a loved one, a job, physical ability, or trust, the damage caused needs to be understood and addressed. Grief is complex, and everyone expresses it differently.
- Unresolved pain can make the feeling of being stuck in longing worse.
- The grieving process has specific stages that can guide you: denial, numbness, and shock; bargaining; despair; anger; acceptance.
- Grief is a personal journey. Everyone experiences it differently.
- You might spend more time in one stage than others.
- Don't rush yourself or let others rush you through your grief. Healing takes time and is essential.
When you're ready, remove reminders of that person. Seeing items that remind you of them can be incredibly difficult. Pack up personal belongings and return them, throw them away, or store them out of sight. Do the same with mementos. Letting go becomes easier when you're not constantly reminded of them.
- If something is too special to part with, store it away for a while.
- If it's too painful to do alone, ask a friend for help. You'll feel more confident moving forward without that person.
- Ask yourself: how can you stop missing someone if their photo is still by your bedside?
Stop contacting the other person. If you're sure the relationship is over but still talk or meet frequently, it will make moving on harder. If you can avoid seeing your ex, do so. Staying in contact will only deepen your inner conflict and isn't beneficial.
- Don't call or text your ex to check on them. It will only make you feel worse.
- If you must see them at school, work, or elsewhere, simply say, "Hello," and spend as little time with them as possible. Your emotions often intensify after seeing them, making you miss them more. This is temporary, so stay strong and push through.
- Stop following them on social media. Seeing their photos will only make you dwell on the past.
Bid farewell to that person and your shared relationship. The rituals we perform when something ends serve a specific purpose. Graduations, funerals, closing ceremonies—they all mark an endpoint. They allow us to acknowledge that something has concluded. Creating a farewell ritual can help you close the chapter on your relationship with less pain and reduce the longing for the other person.
- Write a letter to the other person, but don’t send it. Pour out everything you experienced together. Thank them for the good and the pain they brought. Release your anger. Tell them, "I no longer need the pain I’m feeling from missing you, so I’m giving it back to you. Goodbye."
Explore your dating options. When you feel ready, consider dating someone new. You might think jumping into a new relationship will ease the pain, but often it only makes you feel worse about losing the other person. Rarely will you find the "right person" immediately after a serious relationship ends.
- Being with someone new might remind you of everything you loved about your ex, making you miss them even more.
- Dating someone new before you’re ready won’t fill the void you’re experiencing.
- Spend time with friends who can help you feel better.
Change your daily routines. Stop doing things you used to do together or that remind you of your ex. Avoid the restaurant where you had your first date or your favorite spot in the nearby park. Try getting coffee or bread from a different shop for a few weeks and see if it improves your mornings. Don’t abandon everything you used to do, but try something new to reduce the longing for your ex.
- You’ll feel more confident doing things you’ve always wanted to do but your ex didn’t enjoy, like hiking or learning to cook pasta. Find ways to assert yourself without your ex, and you’ll soon realize you’re thinking less about them.
- If your ex is part of your social circle, avoid parties they might attend for a while. Find other ways to enjoy yourself.
Lean on your friends. Spending time with friends is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Being around close friends helps you appreciate the love and support you receive. You’ll always have someone to turn to, someone who will stand by you during tough times.
- If possible, meet up with a few friends at least once a week to take your mind off your ex.
- Your friends might not say anything magical to make your pain disappear, but their presence makes a big difference.
Focus on self-improvement. When you were with your ex, you might not have had time to work on yourself. Use this time to focus on becoming healthier, happier, and achieving your goals. Set objectives like training for a marathon, finishing a novel, overcoming obsessions, or pursuing something you’ve always wanted to do to better yourself.
- Identify areas you want to improve. Perhaps there are things holding you back from feeling joyful. Maybe you worry too much or could benefit from being more confident.
Focus on advancing your career. Pour your energy into engaging in positive and meaningful work. You'll find yourself missing him less if you have a job that excites you every morning. Seeking feedback from your colleagues can help enhance your self-assessment of work quality.
Keep yourself busy and active. Avoid staying at home or lounging in bed. Spend time outdoors, with friends, and keep your schedule packed and exciting to have something to look forward to in the future.
- This could be a great time to start a new hobby like yoga, volleyball, playing the guitar, or cooking.
Concentrate on the positives. A broken relationship might make you focus on all the mistakes made. Identify the positive aspects of the relationship, what you've learned, and how these lessons will aid you in the future. Appreciate your experiences.
- Being grateful for what you've gone through and what it has brought to your life can improve both your physical and mental health. When you're healthy, you're better prepared to handle emotions related to missing someone.
Facing the Departure of a Loved One
Allow yourself to grieve. If you're facing the departure of someone you love, give yourself time to grieve and accept your emotions. You won't be able to stop missing someone if you don't give yourself time to calm down, release your emotions, and grieve their departure.
- As mentioned earlier, everyone's grieving process is different. If you need some time alone, make sure your friends and family understand by telling them, 'I'm really grieving and it's incredibly hard, but I'm trying to get through it. I hope you can understand that it takes time and I'm not sure how long it will last. I guess I'm the only one who can know that.'
- If you spend too much time alone and feel lonely, make sure to spend some time with others.
- Write in a journal, talk about your feelings, look at old photos of the person, or simply cry out loud. If you don't cry, don't feel guilty about it. Everyone has different ways of expressing sadness.
Honor their memories. This is a healthy way to move forward while cherishing the departed and continuing their legacy. This could mean talking about them with friends or family, engaging in activities they once enjoyed, whether it’s volunteering in the community, reading to children, or even listening to their favorite songs.
- If doing what they loved deepens your sorrow, consider altering your routine. However, when you feel ready, reintroducing some of their favorite activities can bring you closer to positive memories without overwhelming grief.
- Remember, you’re not trying to forget them or never think of them again. You’re aiming to remember them positively, feel the emotions, and then let them gently fade into the past.
Talk to others who miss him. Avoiding all reminders or discarding everything that makes you think of him isn’t healthy. While you might temporarily do this if the pain is too intense, over time, you’ll find comfort in discussing him. You might even discover that laughing about the funny things he said or did helps ease the pain and speeds up healing.
- Recalling joyful memories can help you come to terms with their absence. Though you can’t bring them back, sharing these memories can aid in your recovery.
Understand that your relationship hasn’t ended; it has transformed. Relationships often have two dimensions: physical and emotional. While the physical connection may have ended, the emotional bond remains. You’ll never completely forget them.
- Trying not to think of them doesn’t mean you’re betraying them. If they loved you, they’d be happy to see you moving forward.
- You can’t entirely stop missing them, especially during anniversaries, holidays, or significant moments you shared. Instead of ignoring the loss, acknowledge it by saying, “Today, I really miss ____. He loved this day. Let’s raise a toast and remember ____. He was deeply loved.” This shows gratitude for their impact and aids healing.
- Occasionally missing them is natural, but focusing on the present rather than longing for the past is also beneficial.
Spend time with family and friends. Family and friends are there to support and help you through this tough time. They might also be grieving, and leaning on each other can provide comfort. Being surrounded by love and care can help you feel less alone and ease the pain of missing them.
- New friends or family members can’t replace the person in your heart, but they can help you heal.
- If some friends or family seem to have moved on faster, don’t resent them. Everyone grieves differently, and you might not know how they truly feel.
Consider seeking therapy. If you need help moving forward, consult a therapist. If you’re unsure whether therapy is right for you, try it before deciding. Speaking with a professional can provide clarity and support. Seeking help and overcoming life’s challenges requires courage and strength.
- Take pride in seeking the help you need to live a healthy life. There’s no shame or weakness in needing therapy.
Express your thoughts in writing. Instead of letting them weigh you down all day, transferring your emotions onto paper can be beneficial. Write in the morning or evening to self-reflect and alleviate pressure. You can also jot down thoughts as they arise. Find what works best for you.
- Write a letter to that person, but don’t send it. Detail the experiences you shared. Thank them for the good times and the pain they brought. Release your anger. Tell them, "I no longer need the pain I’m experiencing from missing you, so I’m returning it to you. Goodbye."
- Read the letter aloud to yourself, a trusted friend, or family member, then safely burn it. Burning is a way to erase and transform your chaotic emotions.
Adopt a comfortable lifestyle. Losing someone can make you focus so much on the loss and the departed that you forget to care for yourself. To ease the longing, ensure your daily routine makes you feel better. This means sleeping at least 7-8 hours nightly, eating three meals even if you’re not hungry, and exercising for at least 30 minutes daily.
- You might not think eating and sleeping well can make a difference when grappling with intense grief, but it can. A healthy body strengthens you and helps you handle difficulties more effectively.
- Avoid stress-inducing activities like traffic, loud concerts, overtime work, or spending time with pessimistic friends. While you can’t eliminate all stress, you can minimize it.
- Spend 15 minutes daily on yoga or meditation. This can help you connect more with your mind and body, promoting calmness throughout the day.
- Focus on your health. A third of those directly affected by the loss of a significant person face physical and mental health issues. You might feel anxious, sad, and drained, but you can’t ignore your needs.
Dealing with Someone Moving Away
Stay in touch. If your friend moves away or goes on a long summer vacation, ensure you keep in contact. Knowing you’ll talk weekly via phone or Skype can make you feel closer and less lonely. Regular communication allows you to look forward to your conversations.
- If they’re far away, use email and international messaging apps. You might think talking will make you miss them more, but it actually helps you realize they’re not entirely gone.
Don’t communicate too frequently. Avoid talking to them daily or texting constantly. You won’t enjoy your current life and may not step out of your comfort zone to try new things or meet new people.
- If the person who moved wants to talk more, explain that staying connected is important, but you don’t want to become overly dependent.
- Call them when making a big decision or when something important happens, but also find someone nearby who can be there for you.
Plan a visit if possible. Scheduling a meeting with that person will give you something to look forward to and reduce the feeling that you might never see them again. Knowing you'll visit in a few weeks can lessen the urge to constantly communicate and genuinely ease the longing.
Write a letter to that person. Doing this every few weeks allows you to explore your emotions and thoughts, reducing the need to call or text them constantly. It's a delightful way to communicate and helps diminish the feeling of missing them.
Find new ways to fill your time. Instead of sitting and reminiscing, engage in new activities like bowling with new friends or learning to play the guitar. Keeping busy prevents you from constantly thinking about them.
Try to open your heart to new people. Make an effort to be friendlier and extend invitations to meet others. Gradually get to know people by sharing interesting facts or making witty remarks. This approach can lead to new friendships and lessen the longing for the person who's away.
Advice
- A smile is the best medicine. While grieving someone's departure is beneficial, ensure your mental well-being by surrounding yourself with interesting people.
- Find something engaging to distract yourself.
- Don’t hesitate to cry. It’s therapeutic and allows you to express your emotions.
- Look back at photos, letters, or messages from that person, but limit the time spent to avoid complete distraction.
- Avoid dwelling on past arguments or tough times. Stay positive.
- If you need to stop thinking about them, tell yourself, "Stop. I won’t think about him now. I have many tasks to focus on." Try to push them out of your mind.
- Remember the fun times you shared and look forward to meeting them again.
- You can’t return to the past. Instead, focus on a brighter, happier future.
Warning
- Unresolved grief can manifest in various physical and psychological ways. Learn to handle it by seeking information from trusted sources. Don’t deny yourself the chance to grieve and process the pain of loss.
