How to Stop Unrequited Love

Suffering is normal. When you experience unrequited love, pain is inevitable. A 'broken heart' is a genuine form of pain: it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which regulates heart rate and muscle tension. Suffering is a natural response when the person you love doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Accepting this will help you cope with the pain.

• Emotional rejection triggers brain responses similar to withdrawal symptoms.
• Psychologists estimate that about 98% of us have experienced unrequited love. Knowing you're not alone may not eliminate your sadness, but it can provide some comfort in realizing you're not the only one going through this.
• Emotional rejection can also lead to depression. If you notice any of the following signs, seek psychological help immediately:
  • Changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
  • Frequent mood swings
  • Inability to control negative thoughts
  • Thoughts of self-harm

Allow yourself to grieve. Feeling pain is not wrong, as long as you don’t get stuck in it forever. In fact, it’s better to let yourself feel sad rather than suppress your emotions. Denying or repressing feelings, such as saying, 'It’s no big deal' or 'I didn’t really love them,' will only make things worse in the long run.

• If possible, take time to process your sadness. This will help you heal. For example, when you realize (or someone tells you) that the other person doesn’t feel the same way, find a quiet place to be alone for a moment, even if it’s just a 15-minute walk around the office.
• However, don’t wallow in your pain. If weeks go by and you haven’t left the house, showered, or changed your clothes, you’ve gone too far. Sadness is normal, but if you don’t try to return to your daily life, you’ll remain trapped in thoughts and feelings about that person.

Accept that you can’t control the other person. Your first reaction upon learning someone doesn’t love you might be to think, 'I’ll make them love me!' This thought is normal but misguided and unhelpful. The only thing you can control in life is your own actions. You can’t persuade, argue, or force someone’s feelings.

• Remember, you can’t always control your emotions either. But you can control how you respond to them.

Distance yourself from them for a while. Part of creating space for yourself and overcoming the pain is keeping them out of your life temporarily. You don’t have to cut them out forever, but you need to step back for a time.

• You don’t have to be rude or angry. Simply tell them you need time to process your feelings. If they truly care about you, they’ll respect your needs, even if it’s not pleasant for them.
• If the person you’re trying to stop loving is someone you’ve relied on emotionally, find another friend to fill that role. Ask a friend if you can turn to them when you feel the urge to contact the other person.
• Unfollow or mute them on social media, or at least hide their posts. Delete their number from your phone to avoid the temptation to reach out. You don’t want constant reminders of them or updates on their life, as it will only make moving on harder.

Acknowledge your emotions. Expressing your feelings is healthier than bottling them up until they explode. It helps you accept that you’re going through a tough time. Feeling discomfort when dealing with loss or disappointment is normal. Don’t blame yourself or try to ignore those feelings, hoping they’ll disappear. Let them out honestly and freely.

• Cry if you need to. Crying is therapeutic. It reduces anxiety and anger while relieving stress. Grab a box of tissues and let it all out.
• Avoid violent actions like screaming, hitting, or breaking things. While it might feel good initially, studies show that using violence to express anger—even toward inanimate objects—only increases anger. Reflecting on and analyzing your feelings is far healthier.
• Channel your emotions into creative outlets like music, painting, or a hobby. However, avoid art forms that focus on sadness or anger, like death metal, as they can worsen your mood when you’re already hurting.

Realize that you don’t need them. No matter how amazing they are, if they don’t love you, being with them won’t make you happy. When you’re deeply in love, you tend to idealize the other person. Facing reality—without anger or judgment—will help you move past the pain of unrequited love.

• Think about traits that could cause conflict in a relationship with them.
• For example, their social anxiety might prevent them from acknowledging your relationship, while you need that validation.
• Studies show that recognizing the other person’s flaws helps you recover from rejection faster.
• However, don’t dwell on badmouthing them to feel better about yourself. This mindset will only breed bitterness and anger, not peace.
• Believe it or not, rejection temporarily lowers your cognitive abilities. If you struggle to explain your emotions logically, accept that you need time to return to 'normal.'

Avoid blaming the other person. Just as you can’t control your feelings for them, they can’t force themselves to love you. Blaming them for seeing you as just a friend or thinking they’re terrible for not loving you is unfair. Dwelling on resentment will only prolong your healing.

• You can feel sad without blaming them. Don’t let your friends do it either. They might criticize the person for not loving you. If this happens, thank them for their support but say, 'It’s unfair to blame them for something they can’t control. Help me move on instead.'

Get rid of mementos. You might cry while doing it, but this is a crucial step in emotional recovery. Keeping reminders around will only make it harder to move on, and that’s not what you want!

• For each memento, think of the memories attached to it, then imagine tying them to a balloon. As you let them go, picture the balloon floating away, never to be seen again.
• If the items are still in good condition, consider donating them to a thrift store or a homeless shelter. Think of the new memories your old shirt, stuffed animal, or CD could create for someone else. This act of kindness will mark the significant change you’re going through.

Avoid getting drunk and calling or texting them. Especially in the early stages, you might feel an overwhelming urge to contact them. While sober, your willpower might be strong enough to resist, but alcohol impairs judgment. Drunkenly berating them for not loving you or crying about your pain could embarrass you and make them uncomfortable. It could also ruin any chance of friendship later. If you think you’re at risk of doing something regrettable, ask a friend for help.

• Give your phone to a friend (preferably one who isn’t drinking) and tell them not to return it, no matter how much you beg or make excuses while drunk.
• Delete their number from your phone so you can’t call or text them, even if you want to.

Distract yourself. It’s impossible to completely stop thinking about something, but you can redirect your thoughts whenever you find yourself stuck in emotions. When memories resurface, distract yourself with a different thought, activity, or project.

• Call a friend. Read a good book. Watch a funny movie. Create something. Garden. Decorate. Find something engaging enough to temporarily take your mind off the other person. The more you practice redirecting your thoughts, the easier it becomes to move on.
• Set aside a specific time to think about them. Don’t spend too long—10 to 15 minutes is enough. When thoughts of them arise, tell yourself, 'Not now. I’ll think about this later.' When the time comes, let yourself reflect. Once the time is up, shift your focus to other things.

Remember that rejecting your feelings may also hurt the other person. It might feel like the world is full of pain when you’re rejected. However, studies show that the person rejecting you might also feel sad. Most people don’t enjoy hurting others.

• Knowing that the other person feels bad about not reciprocating your feelings can give you a new perspective. Often, someone doesn’t love you not because they’re a bad person, hate you, or want to hurt you.

List your positive qualities. Rejection can make you believe the harsh inner critic in your head is right. Don’t let yourself think you’re unworthy of love just because one person rejected you. Studies show that reminding yourself of your worth makes it easier to overcome rejection now and in the future.

• Write down all the wonderful things about yourself. If you can’t think of any, ask friends for help.
• Show yourself self-love for these qualities. For example, 'I might not feel strong right now, but I’m great at rollerblading, and I’m proud of that.'

Avoid reminders of the past. If you constantly remind yourself of the other person, it will be harder to move on. Don’t listen to songs or visit places that remind you of happy times together.

• Reminders can be anything—from a photo of them on Facebook to a song associated with them. It could even be a scent, like apple pie, if you once baked together.
• If you accidentally encounter a reminder, acknowledge it and move on. Don’t dwell on the emotions it brings. For example, if you hear a song that reminds you of them, turn it off or skip to the next track. Acknowledge the sadness and longing, then focus on something more positive, like what you’ll eat for dinner or plans for an upcoming trip.
• Remember, you don’t have to avoid these reminders forever. You’re making it easier to heal, and dwelling on the past makes it harder. Once you’ve moved on, memories might still surface but will hurt less.

Talk to someone. It’s best to unload your burdens and emotions during your emotional recovery. Holding onto these feelings will make them harder to express later. Find someone to share your thoughts and experiences with.

• Choose a trustworthy person. This could be someone who doesn’t pressure you to move on quickly. It might be a family member you can call when you’re feeling down, or a therapist, especially if you’re struggling to get over a long-term relationship or if this situation ties into other issues.
• If you prefer not to talk to others, write down your feelings. This helps you track your recovery and serves as proof that you can overcome the pain of rejection.
• Speaking with someone who’s been through a similar experience can be helpful. Ask them how they coped and what they learned.
• People who’ve experienced similar pain will understand your struggles better, requiring less explanation and offering more empathy.
• Avoid sharing with those who haven’t experienced such sadness, especially if they might trivialize your feelings. They simply won’t understand.
• Strengthen your faith in a higher power (God, Buddha, etc.). Spiritual strength can be a powerful tool to help you endure tough times.

Strengthen relationships with others. One of the side effects of rejection, especially in love, is feeling abandoned or isolated. While you may not have the relationship you wanted with that person, you can deepen connections with others in your life.

• Studies show that interacting with loved ones speeds up recovery. Emotional wounds are often visible, and spending joyful time with those you care about helps you heal faster.
• Joy is crucial due to its effects on the brain. Happiness reduces anger and fosters optimism. Laughter is also a great remedy—it boosts endorphin production, a natural happiness hormone, and increases pain tolerance. So, watch a comedy, sing karaoke, or jump on a trampoline. Have fun, laugh, and heal gradually.

Eliminate negative thoughts. Certain thought patterns can hinder your recovery and make moving on more difficult.

• Remind yourself that you can live without that person, and they’re not perfect. You’re fully capable of loving someone else.
• Tell yourself that people and situations change. Current feelings won’t last forever, especially if you face them proactively and positively.

Treat this as a learning experience. No one wants a broken heart. However, if you can view this as a lesson and learn from it, it won’t just remain a sad memory. It can become a stepping stone for growth.

• For example, find the positives in this situation. You expressed your feelings, and they weren’t reciprocated. Still, you were brave, strong, and willing to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, we can’t connect deeply or experience profound emotions like happiness and love.
• Consider if this ties into a larger issue. Some people repeatedly fall for those who reject them. This is especially noteworthy if you felt insecure in your relationship with your parents as a child. If you’ve fallen for rejectors multiple times, you might subconsciously choose people who resemble your parents. Discussing this with a therapist could be beneficial.
• Remind yourself that this experience will teach you to be stronger and self-reliant. Rejection isn’t the most pleasant way to learn these lessons, but focusing on growth rather than dwelling on pain will make you stronger. You’ll also gain a better understanding of your emotions and needs.

Change your routine. Studies show that trying new activities (like taking a vacation or commuting a different way) is one of the best ways to break old habits and replace them with new ones.

• If your budget doesn’t allow for something big, try small daily changes. Explore a new spot in your city. Go out with a new group of friends on Saturday nights. Rearrange your furniture. Join a new band. Take up a new hobby like cooking or hiking.
• Avoid impulsive decisions unless you’re absolutely sure. This is a time when many people decide to cut their hair or get a tattoo. It’s best to wait until you’re emotionally stable before making such changes.

Rediscover yourself. When you’re deeply in love, you might lose sight of who you are. Overcoming unrequited love is the perfect time to reconnect with yourself after focusing so much on the other person.

• Focus on personal growth. Don’t change yourself just because someone didn’t like you. However, if there are areas you want to improve, go for it. Learn a new language. Start a new workout routine. Take a flamenco guitar class.
• Improve other aspects of your life. While you were preoccupied with thoughts of that person, you might have neglected other interesting parts of your life. Spend more time on activities and people you’ve overlooked while dealing with the pain of rejection.
• Don’t take rejection personally. It’s easy to feel like they rejected you because you’re not attractive, smart, or good enough. Avoid this flawed thinking, and you’ll feel less hurt. You’ll also stop trying to “fix” yourself to win their affection. Remember: the issue isn’t you.

Step out of your comfort zone. Trying new things helps break your daily routine and distracts you from the person you love unrequitedly. You’ll stay busy enough to stop thinking about the one who rejected you.

• Stepping out of your comfort zone has other benefits too. Feeling too safe reduces your motivation to change. A little novelty can help you make necessary changes in your life.
• Learning to step out of your comfort zone also makes it easier to face future uncertainties. Taking controlled risks and challenging yourself helps you realize that setbacks are natural, and you won’t feel shattered every time things don’t go your way.
• If you blame rejection entirely on yourself, you might never want to try anything new. Taking small risks helps you avoid retreating into your shell.

Recognize when you’re ready to move on. There’s no set timeline for getting over unrequited love. However, there are signs that you’re ready to leave behind someone who doesn’t love you.

• You start noticing what’s happening with others. Sometimes, grief makes you focus only on yourself. When you begin caring about others’ lives, it’s a sign you’re recovering well.
• You stop wondering if every phone call is from them (especially from unknown numbers).
• You no longer relate every song or movie to unrequited love. In fact, you’ve started paying attention to things unrelated to love or heartbreak.
• You stop imagining scenarios where they suddenly realize they’ve always loved you.

Don’t let the pain 'relapse.' Even when you’re ready to move on, there may be moments when, if you’re not careful, the pain resurfaces. It’s like removing stitches from a wound too early. The wound has mostly healed but isn’t ready for intense activity.

• Avoid working with or being around that person until you’re sure it won’t emotionally affect you again.
• If the heartache returns, don’t panic. You’ve worked hard to move on, and your efforts will pay off. Emotions may flood back, but giving in to them will only make things harder later.

Return to a positive life. Go out, meet people, flirt, and remember how wonderful it feels to be pursued. Your confidence needs rebuilding—and in the process, you’ll meet other interesting people. In fact, whenever you meet someone better than the person you once pursued—whether more attractive, funnier, smarter, or more grounded—acknowledge it. You’ll gain a more accurate perspective.

• You don’t have to rush into a new relationship. Enjoy the company of new friends. It’s incredibly helpful.
• Be cautious with rebound relationships. Sometimes, finding a replacement is advised, but it only works if you’re ready. Be honest with yourself and the person you’re dating that this is just a temporary connection. Don’t let someone fall desperately in love with you the way you once did with the other person.

Stay courageous. Forgetting someone you love is never easy. Every step you’ve taken to move forward deserves recognition. Remember, just because they didn’t love you doesn’t mean no one else ever will.