How to Stop Verbal Abuse from Your Husband

Choose a different way to react. While you can't change his behavior, you can prevent your emotions from overwhelming you to the point of depression. If this happens frequently, you may start feeling terrible when subjected to verbal abuse. Reflect on the situation—your beliefs about what's happening and why. Likely, the issue stems from his frustration and anger. Redirect the problem back to him instead of internalizing the failure. For example:

• He gets upset because I take too long in the bathroom—I shouldn't feel bad for taking time to shower and get ready. He could easily use another bathroom.
• He refuses to eat the food I cook, saying it looks disgusting. The problem isn't my cooking—he just wants me to feel bad about myself. I won't fall into that trap.
• He criticizes my outfit, saying it makes me look fat. I know that's not true. He just wants to make me insecure.

Assess your emotions. To prepare for confronting your husband, you need to evaluate your feelings and figure out how to explain them to him. Are your emotions healthy—sadness, disappointment? Or are they unhealthy—like self-blame for not being good enough, anxiety, or self-loathing? Shift your emotions toward healthier ones and decide how to express them to your husband. Try asking yourself these questions:

• How should I feel about being mocked by my husband just because my friends and I enjoy watching silly movies? I shouldn’t care. It’s sad that he can’t be happy seeing me have good friends.
• I’m disappointed because he won’t go hiking with me, even though he used to complain when I didn’t join him. I don’t want to spend my entire Sunday just cooking and cleaning for him—he’ll probably find something to criticize anyway. I should spend my time away from that negativity.
• I’m not good enough for him. He keeps saying that, but it’s not true—it’s just his insecurity and issues at work.

Redirect your husband’s attention to his words. Since he’s the one causing the problem, he’s the one who needs to change. It will take more than just making him think about his words, but you can prompt him. Sometimes you need to clarify the issue instead of staying silent and ignoring the abuse, which can make him realize what he’s doing. Continuously ask him to reconsider his language. Sometimes they don’t yell in your face but belittle or name-call to make you feel small—you don’t have to tolerate that. Here are some ways you can respond:

• “I feel really hurt when you mock my appearance. Can you please stop doing that?”
• “I feel sad and anxious when you get angry just because the laundry isn’t done. Can you help me instead of getting upset?”
• “Calling me stupid makes me feel terrible. I’m not stupid, so please don’t call me that anymore.”

Confront your husband when he verbally abuses you. Sometimes knowing how to respond instead of ignoring it can change the situation. But remember, this approach doesn’t always resolve things. Verbal abuse often follows a script, and you can disrupt it by responding:

• “Stop talking to me like that.”
• “Write down what you just said to me so I can read it back to you.”
• “I’m not talking to you anymore. When you calm down, we can continue.” (Don’t say this if it might escalate the situation).

Don’t try to reason with him. Verbal abuse is inherently irrational. You won’t be able to understand the root cause on your own, and he may not want to discuss why it’s happening. Recognize that this behavior is irrational and don’t try to figure out why it’s happening. Don’t suggest marriage counseling—it’s not a good solution for an abusive relationship.

Establish boundaries. When your husband resorts to verbal abuse, clearly state that you will no longer tolerate it. Explain that you have set limits on what you are willing to hear from him and choose not to listen to abusive language. If he continues, you may leave the room, unless doing so would escalate the situation. Turning away and engaging in another activity is also an option to demonstrate that you have set boundaries. Additionally, inform him that you are considering ending the relationship if he refuses to change.

Create an exit plan. Let your husband know that you will not remain in a toxic relationship. Understand that verbal abuse can escalate to physical violence, and you will not tolerate any form of abuse. Be prepared to leave when necessary. Develop a plan for yourself to exit when the time comes. You will need:

• Separate your finances from your husband.
• A bag containing essential documents (such as your passport), social security card, clothes, medications, bank information, legal documents (car registration, marriage certificate, birth certificate), and store it with a trusted colleague or someone your husband does not know.
• If you have children, bring their birth certificates, social security cards, vaccination records, clothes, medications, and identification (if applicable).

Build a support network. This can include family, friends, and colleagues. You need someone to talk to about your current situation. Even if you feel like you are tormenting yourself, it is important to have others validate your reactions and understand that the abuse is not your fault, and that such behavior is irrational.

Consult a therapist. Verbal abuse is not something you should endure alone. It can be beneficial to find a skilled therapist who can listen to your story and help you develop a plan to address the situation.

Have a safe place to go if you need to leave home. A verbally abusive relationship can create dependency, with both parties having few external connections. It can be challenging to leave the relationship if you don’t have friends or family nearby. Plan ahead if you lack a support system. Staying at a hotel temporarily or finding another way to remind yourself that you don’t need to stay close to an abusive partner can be a valid response.

Avoid using the same tactics as your partner. While it might feel satisfying to retaliate with insults, resist the urge. This approach won’t improve the relationship.

Accept that you cannot change him. If he agrees to seek help and therapy, there is hope. However, if he refuses to change his abusive behavior, the best course of action is to leave the relationship, even if temporarily, until you can engage in a therapeutic program.

Know when it’s time to leave. You might feel satisfied with an ultimatum—such as threatening to leave if the abuse continues—but think more practically. Would you stay if he tried to change? At what point should you walk away? Share your plan with your support network so they can assist when it’s time to execute your exit strategy.

Leave according to your plan. Often, abusive relationships are difficult to repair. Avoid threatening to leave and then staying—depart immediately when he crosses the boundaries you’ve set. Share your contact information with trusted family and friends and inform them of your departure.

• Change your phone number and share it only with close friends and family, instructing them not to disclose it to him.
• Clear your browser history to prevent him from discovering your plans on shared devices. If you fear retaliation, create false trails by searching for locations hours away from your actual residence and noting down fake hotel phone numbers in those areas.
• Go to a prearranged safe place—a shelter, the home of someone he doesn’t know, or a hotel.
• Leave a note explaining that you’ve moved out and outline your next steps (e.g., filing a restraining order, initiating divorce proceedings). Provide a way for him to contact you through a family member or friend, but warn him against direct communication.