How to Strengthen Your Bond with Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend

• For example, you could say, "I would like to be more connected with you and share more of my thoughts and experiences." If you sense a wall between you and your partner, you might express, "I feel like you're emotionally distant, and I would love for us to grow closer. Do you want to talk about it?"
• When you communicate indirectly or drop hints, there's always room for ambiguity. If your partner misinterprets the hint and feels uncomfortable, you might backtrack, saying you didn’t mean it that way. While this might avoid conflict, it also leaves emotional distance between you.

Consider seeking professional help if communication is challenging for you. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner explains: "I work with many clients, particularly men, who haven't been encouraged to express themselves verbally, and as a result, they struggle to do so. I guide them through the process of learning how to communicate, and once they do, they feel more satisfied with their lives and more connected to others."

• For instance, if you attend a dance class twice a week but don't feel comfortable sharing that with your partner, perhaps out of fear of judgment, keeping it secret only builds a wall between you.
• While it's acceptable to keep surprises, like a birthday gift or a party, a secret, be mindful that your partner will likely notice you're withholding something, which may lead to suspicion.

• This doesn’t mean you must stop doing everything while communicating. For example, they might want to talk while you're doing chores, like washing the dishes or making the bed. But when it comes to important conversations, pause what you're doing and listen closely.
• Make eye contact (if culturally appropriate) and nod to show you are actively engaged in the conversation.

Tip: Body language plays a key role in communication. If you're constantly looking away, checking your phone or watch, or fidgeting, it may send a message to your partner that you're uninterested or distracted by what they’re saying.

• For instance, you could admit that you always tear up during the opening scenes of the movie "Up." If your partner responds by saying, "I totally get it. That scene is so emotional, especially when you realize it’s a cartoon without words," you’ve built a deeper emotional bond.
• You can also share past experiences that shaped who you are today and your beliefs.
• However, be cautious about sharing too much if your partner isn’t reciprocating with equally personal disclosures. For example, after revealing your emotional connection to a movie, your partner might either share their own similar experience or admit that they've never been moved by a film in that way.

• For example, instead of saying "You never want to do anything," try saying "We always have so much fun when we go out together."
• Make use of plural pronouns like "we" and "us" to avoid making the conversation feel like a confrontation. Using "I" and "you" may create a divide, while "we" emphasizes that you are a team and in it together.

Tip: Before criticizing, try to understand the reason behind your partner's behavior. They might have a valid explanation that you hadn’t considered before.

• Remember, if you insult your partner or let anger lead to curses, you'll likely regret it later. It can also harm them deeply. Losing control can escalate into verbal, psychological, or even physical abuse.
• If you're too upset to have a calm discussion, tell your partner that you need some time to collect yourself before talking. Take a few minutes alone, maybe in another room or by going for a walk, to calm down.

• This curiosity applies to both the big and small aspects of your life together. For example, while watching a TV show, you could ask what character they like most and why, or what part of the show they enjoy the most.
• Ask open-ended questions to give your partner room to surprise you. For instance, asking “What’s your favorite quick dinner?” will reveal more about their preferences than simply asking “You like pizza, right?” which can be answered with a yes or no.

• For example, you could ask, "How is your research for your history paper going?" or "Did your boss like your presentation this morning?"
• Asking general questions about work or school is less meaningful. Using details from their day shows you care and were truly paying attention to what’s going on in their life.

• For example, if you enjoy holding hands in public but your partner prefers their hands to remain free, they may be okay with you placing a hand on their back or lightly wrapping your arm around them instead.
• If your partner isn’t open to physical affection at all, have an honest conversation to understand their reasons. You might uncover something that, once addressed, could help them feel more comfortable being affectionate.
• Pressuring your partner into accepting physical touch that crosses their boundaries is disrespectful and will create distance in your relationship.

• If you know your partner has an important event coming up, like a big test or a work presentation, send them a quick note or text to cheer them on, such as, "You've got this! I believe in you!"
• Leave little love notes hidden in their bag or around the house. For example, slip a note into their pants pocket with a message like "I’m thinking of you" or "You always bring a smile to my face."

• If you must check your phone due to an important email or call, let your partner know beforehand. You could say, "Sorry, I need to check my phone occasionally as I’m waiting for an urgent email" or "I’m expecting an important call, so I might need to step away for a moment."
• This doesn’t mean you can’t watch a movie or TV show together, but once it’s over, take the time to talk about it rather than retreating into your own worlds.

Tip: Body language can show your partner you’re fully engaged with them and not distracted. Face them when you speak, lean in, and gently touch their arm or leg to communicate your attentiveness.

• For example, if you have a washer and dryer at home but your partner has to go to a laundromat, offer to let them do their laundry at your place. This not only saves them money, but it gives you both a chance to spend an hour or two together.
• Don’t draw attention to the fact that you did the task or expect something in return. Do it simply to show your love and affection, without expecting a favor in return.

• For example, if your partner is learning to play the guitar, say something like, "I really admire how dedicated you are to learning this new instrument. Your practice is paying off, and I can feel the emotion in your playing."
• While compliments about appearance are always nice, acknowledging your partner’s efforts or achievements shows you’re truly paying attention to what matters to them.

• For instance, if you always show up looking perfectly put together, your partner might feel pressured to do the same. If they’re not feeling well or want a more relaxed day, they might feel like they can’t spend time with you unless they’re dressed up.
• If you never let your vulnerability show, it will be difficult to become truly close, as your partner won't be able to connect with the real you.

• Remember, your partner may not be aware of the effort you’re putting in either. They might assume that the things you do come easily to you, when they actually take considerable work.
• By opening up about your struggles, you can help your partner understand what you're doing without making them feel like they’re not doing enough.

• For example, if you enjoyed a dance class before meeting your partner, continue taking that class if it brings you joy, even if your partner isn’t interested in joining.
• It’s important to spend time with your friends outside of your relationship, too. Both of you should maintain individual friendships that are separate from the ones you share. This can be challenging if you met through mutual friends or were friends before you started dating, but it’s important to nurture individual connections.
• Keeping your own hobbies and interests can help prevent resentment. If you stop doing something you love just because your partner isn’t into it, you may later feel deprived and blame them, even if it was a choice you made independently.

Work on growing together as a couple. Youth often comes with uncertainty, and as you both evolve, your aspirations and objectives may shift, leading to moments of conflict. Embrace the possibility that your future plans could change, and approach life's challenges with flexibility as you grow side by side.

• For instance, imagine your partner is receiving an award, and it means a lot to them that you attend the ceremony. Even if you have prior commitments, if you reschedule or leave early to support them, your partner will appreciate the gesture.
• These sacrifices might sometimes be small, but even in those moments, taking the time to honor your partner’s preferences demonstrates your love and acceptance without expecting them to change for you.

Tip: People have different values. What seems insignificant to you might be deeply important to your partner. If something matters to them but not to you, it’s worth taking the time to respect their wishes and do things their way.

• If your situation doesn’t allow for public acknowledgment of your relationship, like in cultures where dating isn't accepted, show curiosity about your partner’s friends and family instead. Encourage your partner to share stories about the people they care about, demonstrating your genuine interest in their world.

• For instance, if you’re deciding between two job offers, you might say "I’ve got offers from Alpha and Omega. I’ve made a list of pros and cons for both, but I’d love your take on it."
• If you think you’ve made up your mind about something, such as whether to go on vacation with your family or stay home, you might say "I’m leaning toward going with my family, but I’d really like to hear what you think before I make my final choice."
• Once you’ve made your decision, circle back and share with your partner, especially if you didn’t follow their advice. Explain your reasoning for the final choice.