Buzz
A person's sexual orientation is private, so it’s essential to respect their confidentiality. Yet, you may feel the need to understand whether someone is gay, especially if you’re interested in dating them or want to be supportive as a friend. Approaching the subject can be intimidating, leaving you feeling anxious. While you can't always judge someone's orientation based on their appearance, paying attention to their behavior may provide some clues. However, to be certain, the only way is to have a direct conversation with them. If you're thinking about dating them, start by inviting them to hang out as friends to build a connection.
Disclaimer: The term ‘queer’ is used throughout this article to refer to various orientations and is not intended to offend or disrespect anyone.
Steps
Noticing Their Actions
Listen to their remarks about other people's looks. Individuals who are queer are often more inclined to notice and compliment those of the same gender. Pay attention to the conversations they have regarding other people, specifically the gender they seem to focus on. Also, note the nature of their comments, particularly regarding someone's physical appearance.
- For example, your male friend might comment, “Did you check out that guy’s abs?” or “He looks amazing in that suit.”
- However, remember that this alone is not a definitive sign that the person is gay!
Think about their previous relationships and crushes. It’s possible that the person identifies as bisexual or pansexual, or even as gay but is not yet ready to come out. However, showing an interest in the opposite gender typically indicates someone is straight. To determine their gender preference, consider who they’ve dated, who they've had crushes on, and which gender they often compliment.
- For example, a guy who enjoys dating girls is likely straight, although he may be bisexual or pansexual.
Pay attention to their use of 'they' when talking about dates or crushes. If they're dating someone of the same gender, they might use the pronouns 'they' and 'them' to avoid revealing they're queer. Listen carefully to how they speak about their dates to see if they tend to use 'they.' If they do, consider having a conversation with them about their orientation.
- They might say, “My date went great last night. They were so interesting, and I hope they’ll say ‘yes’ to a second date!”
- Remember, they could be using the pronouns 'they' and 'them' because those are their date’s preferred pronouns. Don’t make assumptions before talking to them.
Think about whether they never discuss their love life. If someone is in the closet, it might be difficult for them to talk about their romantic life. They could be worried that others will figure out their orientation, which they may not be ready to reveal. Share details about your own dating life first, then ask them about theirs. If they choose not to share, don’t push them to reveal more than they’re comfortable with.
- You could say, “I’ve been seeing this guy lately, and I think there’s potential for our relationship. How about you—how’s your dating life going?”
- Remember, not sharing doesn’t mean they’re gay.
Don’t make assumptions based on their appearance, style, or voice. In the past, people wrongly believed that you could identify a queer person by their face, clothing, walk, or voice. But that’s simply not true! Both gay and straight people can look, dress, and speak however they like. Ignore the media’s stereotypes, as they aren’t accurate.
- For instance, a guy who paints his nails isn’t necessarily gay. Similarly, a girl who prefers a short haircut doesn’t have to be a lesbian.
- Furthermore, straight guys can have high-pitched voices, just as straight girls can have deep voices.
- Ultimately, it’s always better to ask than to assume!
Talking to Them
Bring up the subject of sexuality to begin the conversation. Discuss a book, movie, TV show, or a current event related to sexuality. Share your positive views on LGBTQ+ topics, then listen as they share their own thoughts.
- You might say, “I loved Hayley Kiyoko’s new video for ‘Girls Like Girls!’ It inspired me to wear my rainbow bracelet today. What did you think?”
- Before asking about someone’s sexuality, reflect on why you want to know and why it matters. Are you coming from a place of openness or judgment? If your curiosity comes from a desire for connection, empathy, or support, it’s a good indication your question may be received positively.
Show your support for the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re out of the closet, share with them that you’re proud of your identity. If you’re an ally, let them know that you stand with the community. Then, watch how they respond.
- Say, “I came out to my family last year, and it was really difficult! But it’s amazing to finally live authentically and be proud of who I am,” or “I believe everyone should feel accepted, so I’m an ally for the LGBTQ+ community. Together, we can create meaningful change.”
Ask them directly if they’re gay if they seem open to talking about it. If the person seems eager to discuss LGBTQ+ topics, they likely won’t mind if you ask about their sexuality. Be straightforward when you ask, and respect their answer, even if they choose not to respond.
- Say, “Have you ever questioned your sexual orientation?” or “Do you identify as gay or queer?”
Allow the person to come out on their own terms. It’s essential to remember that a person’s sexuality is their private matter. If they don’t wish to share, respect their boundaries. Likewise, if they confide in you, keep it confidential and let them decide who knows.
- Don’t push them to reveal anything they’re not ready to.
- If someone asks you about their sexual orientation, respond with, “If you're curious, why not ask them directly?”
Don’t inquire about the person’s sexuality with others. Even if you’re nervous about talking to them, it’s not appropriate to discuss their sexual orientation with other people. This can lead to gossip and may create false rumors. Keep the conversation private.
- For example, avoid asking, “Do you think Todd might be gay?”
Asking Them on a Date
Invite them to hang out as friends if you want to date them. You might feel eager to start a romantic relationship, but asking them to spend time as friends is actually a great way to get to know each other and see if they’re open to something more. Use this opportunity to create a solid foundation for a possible relationship.
- Say something like, “Want to play mini golf this Friday?” or “I know you enjoy live music. Want to catch a local band with me?”
Spend more time together to get to know them better. Invite them to do fun activities and communicate with them regularly to strengthen your connection. Be open about your own sexuality and pay attention to how they talk about theirs.
- Ask them to join you for dinner, a movie, or even a round of bowling.
- Share personal details like, “I’ve known I was into girls since I was 12 and had a crush on a girl in my dance class. Have you ever liked a girl?”
Flirt with them once you’ve spent some time together. Start with small compliments and observe their reactions. If they seem open, try using a cute nickname or getting a little closer physically.
- For example, you might say, “You look amazing today! That shirt is really flattering on you,” or “Every time you walk into the room, I can’t help but smile.”
Warning: Make sure to respect their boundaries. If they seem uncomfortable, pull away, or hug themselves, it’s important to give them space.
Ask them on a date if you believe they’re open to the idea. After spending enough time together, assess whether they seem open to a romantic relationship. If they do, take the next step and invite them out on a date. You can do this face-to-face, through text, or with a thoughtful gesture.
- Say something like, “It’s been so much fun spending time with you! Would you be interested in going on a date? If not, no worries, I’m happy to remain friends.”
- Or text, “Getting to know you over these past few months has been amazing. How about we try a date? If not, game night is still on!”
- Consider sending flowers with a note that says, “Would you like to go on a first date with me? If yes, send me a picture of the flowers. If not, our friendship remains unchanged.”
Handle rejection by celebrating who you are and leaning on friends for support. You may develop feelings for people who don’t feel the same way. While it’s a universal experience, it can be especially hard when it feels like everyone you like is straight. If rejection happens, remember it’s not a reflection of your worth. Remind yourself that you’re an incredible person deserving of love, and then spend quality time with your friends to lift yourself up.
- Don’t hesitate to put yourself out there again! Go out, meet new people, and soon enough, you’ll find someone who catches your eye.
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Sexual orientation exists on a spectrum, so it's possible that the person doesn’t identify as strictly straight or LGBTQ. That’s completely fine! Avoid forcing labels on them.
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Regardless of how they identify, treat them with the same respect and kindness. They’re the same person they’ve always been!
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Remember, it’s their choice whether or not they disclose their sexual orientation. Respect their decision, whatever it may be.
This advice is based on the lived experiences of Mytour readers like you. If you have any valuable tips or insights to share, please submit them in the field below on Mytour.
- If you discover that they are gay, avoid overreacting. Simply continue to support your friend and don’t share their sexual orientation with others unless it’s for their well-being, not out of curiosity. Respect their decision whether they choose to tell others or not. If you share this information without their consent, you risk damaging their trust and making them feel more insecure about their sexual identity.
- If they’re openly gay or have a different sexual orientation, don’t make every conversation about LGBTQ+ topics. While it’s nice to show support, overdoing it can make them uncomfortable, especially if they’re closeted around family or other friends.
- If you’ve been a good friend, they might already have told you. The more you show that their sexual orientation doesn’t matter to you, the more comfortable they will feel opening up. Directly asking them can often be more harmful than helpful.
- Don’t assume anything based on stereotypes, such as thinking that a man with a more feminine voice is automatically gay. It could simply be a result of being raised by female figures or other personal experiences. Don’t judge based on appearances or assumptions.
Important Warnings
- If your friend confides in you about their sexual orientation, don’t overwhelm them with intrusive questions. Allow them to share only what they feel comfortable revealing.
- Just because someone is open with you about their sexuality doesn’t mean they’re ready for everyone to know. Never out them, as this could place them in an uncomfortable or potentially harmful situation.
- Be mindful that they may be upset if they feel you’re prying into their personal life or relationships.
- Never try to change or judge someone for their sexuality. If you care about them, you’ll respect who they are.
