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Whether your friend is navigating a painful breakup, struggling with depression, or working towards personal goals like losing weight, being there to offer your support can make all the difference. You don’t need to overwhelm them with gestures, just knowing that you’re there can be a source of strength for them.
Steps to Take
Supporting a Friend Through Challenging Life Events
Reach out. If you learn that a friend is going through a tough time, such as a breakup, illness, or the loss of a loved one, it's important to contact them as soon as you can. During difficult times, people often feel disconnected and alone.
- If they are far away, give them a call, send a message, or reach out via email or text.
- You don’t need to directly address the problem—they may not be ready to talk about it. Simply checking in, asking how they’re doing, and letting them know you're available to support them can make a huge difference.
- While it’s important not to show up uninvited, visiting them in person can be especially helpful if they're dealing with something like an illness that makes it hard to leave the house.
Listen without passing judgment. It's essential for people to express their feelings in their own time, especially when facing a crisis. While you may have thoughts on their situation, it's not always necessary to share advice unless asked.
- Focus on your friend and offer them a space to confide in, helping them process their emotions.
- If you've experienced something similar, your personal story can offer valuable insight.
- You can ask if they'd like advice, but be prepared that they may just need someone to listen.
Provide practical assistance. Instead of giving advice, sometimes the best support is offering tangible help. Little acts of kindness can have a big impact when someone is struggling with life’s challenges.
- Assist with tasks like grocery shopping, tidying their home, or walking their dog. These simple chores often get neglected during tough times.
Allow your friend to process their emotions at their own pace. Emotional responses to major life changes, like illness, loss, or a breakup, often come in unpredictable waves. One day they may be managing, the next, they may feel overwhelmed.
- Avoid saying things like "You seemed fine earlier, what changed?" or "Isn't it time to move on?"
- Be mindful of your discomfort when faced with their emotions. It’s important to remember, this is about them, not you. Let them feel safe to express themselves around you.
Offer to be a reliable support buddy. Make sure your friend knows you're there for them. It's important for them to have multiple people they can rely on, but you can be one of their key support pillars.
- Reassure your friend that they’re not a burden. Say something like, "Feel free to reach out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed—I’m here to help you through this."
- This is particularly critical during breakups or divorces. As a support buddy, you’re the one they call when they’re struggling to resist the urge to contact their ex.
- Remind them of their worth and the unique qualities that make them special.
Encourage your friend to maintain basic routines. During difficult times, people often forget to care for themselves. This may include neglecting their physical needs, such as eating, showering, or leaving the house.
- Encourage them to do simple activities like showering or exercising. A good way to motivate them is to suggest a walk together or to treat them to coffee, which encourages them to make an effort with their appearance.
- If they’re not eating, consider bringing over a meal or taking them out to eat—anything that relieves them of the need to cook or clean up afterward.
Don’t take control of their life. While you may have the best of intentions when offering support, it's important not to overwhelm your friend or take away their autonomy. In difficult times like divorce, illness, or the loss of a loved one, feelings of helplessness can arise.
- Give them choices. Instead of just taking them to dinner, ask where they’d like to go and when. Allowing them to make even small decisions can help them regain a sense of control.
- Avoid overspending on them. While treating them to a budget-friendly outing is thoughtful, going overboard might make them feel indebted to you and as though they’re incapable of caring for themselves.
Look after yourself. A friend’s crisis can stir up emotions in you as well, especially if you’ve experienced something similar.
- Set boundaries. While it’s natural to want to be there for your friend, it’s vital that your life doesn’t become centered solely around their problems.
- Be mindful of your triggers. If your friend is dealing with something that you’ve personally gone through, such as escaping an abusive situation, it might be necessary for you to take a step back at times.
Keep checking in. Many people show concern right after a major life disruption, but gradually stop reaching out. Don’t fall into this pattern. Ensure your friend knows they can rely on you, and keep up with how they’re doing even as time passes.
Supporting a Friend Through Depression
Identify the signs of depression. While some people may just be going through a tough period, others may be showing signs of depression, which requires closer attention to prevent it from escalating.
- Do they often feel sad, anxious, or emotionally numb? Are they expressing hopelessness, as if things will never improve?
- Do they display excessive guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness? Are they fatigued, lacking energy, or struggling with focus, memory, or decision-making?
- Have you noticed changes in their sleep patterns, such as insomnia or oversleeping? Has their weight fluctuated significantly? Are they more irritable or restless?
- Have they mentioned thoughts of death or suicide? Do they say things like the world would be better off without them?
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Recognize their pain, but don't linger there. Acknowledge that their pain, feelings of helplessness, and hopelessness are valid. After acknowledging their emotions, try to shift their focus to more positive topics or activities.
- Distractions can be helpful for those who are depressed. You don't have to make it too obvious. For example, during a walk, casually mention the beauty of the sunset or the vibrant colors around you to change the subject.
- Revisiting the same negative emotions repeatedly can deepen their sadness, so steer the conversation in a more positive direction.
- Reader Poll: We asked 305 Mytour readers, and 50% of them reported that the most difficult symptom of depression to handle is intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness. [Take Poll] Offering support and distractions can help your friend feel better.
Don't internalize their depression. Depression can make it hard for someone to connect emotionally with others. It's important not to take their behavior personally, as it’s a manifestation of their condition.
- Someone who is depressed may say hurtful things or act out in anger. Remember, it's the depression speaking, not the person you know.
- However, this doesn't mean you have to tolerate abusive behavior. If your friend is not just depressed but also abusive, they need professional help. You can offer your support, but you shouldn't allow yourself to be mistreated.
Understand the severity of depression. Depression is often rooted in a chemical imbalance in the brain, making it much deeper than just sadness or unhappiness. It can feel like being engulfed by emptiness or despair.
- Avoid saying things like “Just get over it” or “Do yoga” or “Lose weight” thinking they will help. These remarks can make your friend feel misunderstood and increase their guilt.
Offer assistance with small tasks. Depression can make it extremely difficult to accomplish basic tasks, like cleaning, cooking, or working. Offering help with these simple activities can be a significant relief for your friend.
- People dealing with depression often feel overwhelmed by their mental health struggles, leaving them with little energy for daily chores.
- Consider bringing a home-cooked meal or offering to help with chores. You could also offer to take their dog for a walk to give them a break.
Be a compassionate listener. Depression is not something that can be easily fixed, and sometimes the best way to help is simply by listening. Your willingness to listen can be more beneficial than offering advice or solutions.
- Start the conversation gently, such as by saying: "I've been worried about you lately," or "I noticed you've seemed down recently, and I just wanted to check in."
- If they're having trouble expressing themselves, encourage them by asking, "What happened that made you feel this way?" or "When did these feelings begin?"
- Let them know they are not alone with words like: "I'm here for you," "I care about you and want to help you through this," and "Your life means so much to me. You're so important."
Keep in mind that you're not their therapist. Even if you’re professionally trained as a therapist, it’s important to remember that you're not meant to counsel your friend, especially outside of professional hours. Being a supportive listener does not mean you bear the responsibility for their mental health.
- If your friend frequently contacts you in the middle of the night or shares thoughts of suicide, or seems stuck in a negative place for extended periods, it’s time for them to seek a therapist's help.
Encourage your friend to seek professional guidance. While your support and encouragement are valuable, you can't provide the professional care that your friend needs, nor can you simply will their depression away. Having this conversation might be tough, but if you care about them, it’s essential.
- Gently ask if they’ve ever considered or sought help from a professional.
- Provide them with information about available resources or recommend trusted professionals if you know of any.
Understand that depression can be intermittent. Depression isn’t a one-time thing that goes away with some medication—it's a complex and often ongoing struggle, even with the right treatment.
- Don’t give up on your friend. Depression is isolating and can make someone feel mentally unstable. Having consistent support can make a big difference in their recovery.
Establish your personal boundaries. Of course, you care deeply about your friend and want to support their healing process, but it's vital not to lose sight of your own well-being in the process.
- Take time for yourself and ensure you're looking after your own needs. Spend time with people who don’t require your emotional labor.
- If the relationship feels unbalanced or one-sided, where you're constantly giving and not receiving, it could lead to an unhealthy dynamic. Protect yourself from such situations.
Supporting a Friend Through Weight-Loss
Don't tell them they need to lose weight. It's not your place to dictate what others should do. Suggesting that a friend needs to lose weight can damage your relationship. People are entitled to make their own decisions, and it's important to respect that.
- Even if their weight is affecting their health, they are likely aware of the issue. If they decide they want to address it, they'll do so in their own time.
Become actively involved in their weight-loss journey. A friend committed to losing weight needs your support. If they’re open about their goals, take an interest in their diet and exercise routine.
- Join them in their activities. Offer to bike to work together or go for evening runs. Attend the gym with them and offer positive reinforcement.
- Eat some of the meals they prepare, or join them in their diet food choices, so they don’t feel isolated in their decisions.
Focus on what they're doing right. Your role isn't to track their every move. Unless they ask for your input, avoid monitoring their food intake or workouts. You're not there to criticize but to offer encouragement.
- Celebrate their small achievements and the progress they make.
- Don’t scold them if they slip up. If they deviate from their diet or skip a workout, that's not your responsibility to correct.
Celebrate milestones along the way. Whenever they reach a weight-loss goal or increase their exercise routine, make sure you recognize and celebrate these achievements. Keep the celebration focused on something other than food.
- Take them out for a movie, treat them to a pedicure, or buy them that book they've been wanting.
Care about the person, not the diet. When talking to them, don't make it all about their weight or their progress. Focus on them as a person—ask how they've been doing, how their dog is, their studies, or any new developments at work.
- Remember: whether they succeed or struggle with weight-loss, they are your friend. Their life should not be defined by their weight or their diet.
Don't overwhelm them with excessive help. While it may seem like a good idea to offer plenty of advice, exercise routines, or weight-loss books, it’s important to avoid going overboard.
- It's more effective to simply ask them what they need and offer your presence, rather than pushing unsolicited suggestions that might not be welcome.
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Avoid using judgmental language when supporting a friend through tough times, depression, or weight-loss. Comments like “you should’ve been more careful” or “you wouldn’t be so depressed if you ate better” only add to their stress.
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Nighttime can be especially difficult for those struggling emotionally. Be there for them when they need support most, offering comfort and presence when it’s hardest.
Warnings
- Never tell someone you understand how they feel. Even if you think you know, it’s better to let them express their emotions themselves rather than assuming you know their experience.
