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Self-esteem, or how we view ourselves, plays a crucial role in shaping our personal emotions. If you possess high self-esteem, it can be deeply unsettling to see a friend or loved one struggle with low self-esteem and harbor negative feelings about themselves. While you can't directly improve their self-perception, you can offer support, encouragement, and serve as a positive role model to help them develop a healthier self-image.
Steps
Offering Help
Be a Good Friend. A good friend can provide support by listening attentively to what their friend shares from the heart. While maintaining a friendship with someone emotionally unstable can be challenging, remember that this is often a temporary state, and they are working to improve their situation.
- Make an effort to spend time with your friend. Individuals with low self-esteem often hesitate to initiate plans. Take the lead in organizing activities and stick to them. The difficulty in socializing and planning can reflect underlying anxiety, fear, or depression in those with low self-esteem.
- Regularly scheduling "meet-ups" can be highly beneficial, reducing the need for constant planning and ensuring consistent social interaction. Whether it's a Sunday afternoon coffee, a Wednesday evening card game, or a daily swim, these meet-ups play a vital role in strengthening your friendship.
- Listen to your friend, maintain eye contact during conversations. Discuss their concerns, ask if they're facing any challenges, and offer help or advice (only if requested). A little care can have a lasting impact. Showing that you care can significantly contribute to improving their self-esteem.
Avoid imposing specific ways of thinking on them. It can be risky to make the person you're trying to help resent you by directly telling them how they should think or act. Instead, support them by accepting who they are, encouraging them, and modeling positive thinking and self-care.
- If you confront their negativity head-on, they may not respond well. This isn't a rational way to solve the problem.
- For example, if they say, "I feel so stupid," responding with, "No, you're not; you're very smart," won't help. They might feel even more convinced of their stupidity—exactly what they already believe.
- Instead, try responding to "I feel so stupid" with, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What made you think that? Did something happen?" This approach can foster a constructive conversation.
- Listen to their emotions. Simply listening can empower them. While you might argue that their negative feelings are unwarranted, avoid doing so.
- Agree: "You seem really disappointed about not having a semi-formal date. I can imagine how tough that must be. I've been through something similar."
- Disagree: "You shouldn't be so upset about not having a semi-formal date. It's not a big deal; just forget about it. It happened to me, and I turned out fine."
Address the issue if they are capable. People with low self-esteem often personalize problems, believing the issue lies within themselves and is unsolvable. It can be helpful for someone to offer a clearer perspective. Remember, the problem can only be resolved after some negative emotions are acknowledged.
- For the earlier example: "Many couples attended the semi-formal, but I also know plenty of people who went alone. You're definitely not the only one."
- Or: "Many of us are carpooling if you'd like to join. We'd love to have you. In fact, I could introduce you to my roommate—I think you two would get along really well..."
Volunteer together. Helping others is a great way to build self-esteem. By encouraging and supporting others, you can help your friend strengthen their own self-worth.
- Alternatively, ask them to help you. People who think negatively about themselves are often more willing to help others than themselves. Create opportunities for them to do something that builds their self-esteem.
- For example, asking them to help you with a relationship issue or fix your computer can be beneficial.
Be a shoulder to cry on. If they want to share their feelings or explain what led to their low self-esteem, the best thing you can do is listen. Often, identifying the root cause of their self-esteem issues helps them realize that their negative feelings stem from external factors, not themselves.
Suggest adjusting their inner voice. Ask your close friend what their inner voice says about them. You might discover it's a stream of negativity. Guide them to treat themselves better by stopping negative self-talk and replacing it with positive, optimistic thoughts.
- For example, if their inner voice says, "I ruin every relationship I'm in," it shows they feel deeply unworthy in a relationship. It also suggests they can't learn from mistakes or develop skills to improve. As a friend, you can help reframe this negativity with statements like:
- "This relationship didn't work out, and it's better to know sooner rather than later. Thank goodness I found out now instead of after marriage and three kids!"
- "Maybe I need to go through a few relationships before meeting the right one. Almost everyone does."
- "I know I need to communicate better. I'll work on that—it's something I can improve."
Gently suggest therapeutic options if you find them beneficial. If you notice the other person's issues worsening and feel unequipped to assist, recommend they seek professional help. Both cognitive behavioral therapy and psychomotor therapy can be effective for addressing feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
- You might want to delicately steer the conversation. Avoid making the other person feel alienated or as though you think they are losing their sanity.
- If you have personally undergone therapy, share how it has positively impacted your life.
- Don’t be surprised or disheartened if your suggestion is initially rejected. You may be planting a seed that will grow and nurture in their mind, eventually leading them to seek professional advice.
Be a Role Model for Healthy Self-Esteem
Spend time with those who have negative self-perceptions. Being around individuals with high self-esteem can benefit those struggling with low confidence and self-worth. If you embrace the opportunity to connect with your own self-awareness, you can serve as an ideal model for healthy emotions and happiness.
Demonstrate goal-setting, risk-taking, and adaptability. People with low self-esteem often hesitate to make bold decisions or set personal goals due to fear of failure. By setting ambitious goals and taking calculated risks, you showcase a healthy approach to life. Additionally, proving that failure is not catastrophic helps illustrate how one can recover and move forward after setbacks. If possible, share your thought process with someone who has low self-esteem. You might emphasize:
- What goals you are setting and why. (I want to run a 5000-meter race to improve my physical health).
- What you will do upon achieving your goal. (Once I complete the race, I might consider running a half marathon).
- How you will feel if you don’t achieve your goal. What happens if I give it my all but still fall short? (I’ll be disappointed if I don’t finish the race, but there will always be other races. Besides, my ultimate aim is to get in shape. If I become healthier, I’ll still be a winner. If running doesn’t work out, there are other activities to improve my fitness).
- The outcomes of taking risks. (I might get sick. I could injure my knee. I might feel out of place at the gym. I might feel better. I might actually enjoy it).
- How you will feel about various outcomes. (I’ll be thrilled if I succeed and feel more confident. Even if I get injured, I’ll hate feeling out of place).
Express your inner voice. We all live with our own internal dialogue, and it’s hard to recognize if yours is unhealthy without a point of comparison. Talking to someone with low self-esteem about how you speak and think about yourself can help them understand what a positive inner voice sounds like.
- Emphasize that even when things don’t go as planned, you don’t blame or criticize yourself.
- Share how you never assume others are judging or thinking negatively about you.
- Explain how you praise yourself for achievements and take pride in them without arrogance.
- Modeling your inner voice demonstrates your support for your loved one without causing harm.
Explain that you are not perfect. For someone with low self-esteem, a confident person might seem perfect. Those who think negatively about themselves often criticize themselves harshly and tend to compare their worst traits to others' best. Clarify that you are not—nor do you aim to be—perfect, and that you cherish yourself over a long journey, which can be beneficial for someone with low self-esteem.
Show that you accept yourself. Use words and actions to let others know that you are true to yourself. Even when you have goals or ambitions, you are content with who you are.
- Try using phrases like 'I am good at…' 'I hope to continue growing in…' 'I cherish…' and 'I feel comfortable when I…'
Explain the importance of setting personal goals. Share with them that you also have areas to improve, but you don't necessarily see them as flaws. This can help them understand a healthy way to accept themselves.
- Unlike someone with low self-esteem who might think, 'I am a failure because I don't have a job,' you can approach it better by saying, 'I am a great employee, and I am looking for a job that fits me.'
- Instead of thinking, 'I am hopelessly disorganized,' you might say, 'My strength lies in envisioning the big picture rather than focusing on details, but I am working to be more organized and detail-oriented.'
Understanding Low Self-Esteem
Acknowledge that your abilities are limited. Fundamentally, self-esteem is a personal issue, and individuals with low self-esteem must help themselves truly improve. You can encourage and support them, but you cannot enhance their self-esteem for them.
Identifying signs of low self-esteem. Recognizing the symptoms of low self-esteem can help you support and assist your loved ones. Some key signs to watch for include:
- Frequently making negative comments about oneself.
- Struggling to accept imperfections in life.
- Feeling anxious or panicked around strangers.
- Giving up without trying due to fear of failure.
- Reacting defensively to minor provocations.
- Believing others always think the worst of them.
Discussing the concept of 'self-talk'. A clear indicator of low self-esteem is the presence of harsh internal criticism. Often, individuals with this issue speak negatively about themselves. If someone you care about exhibits this behavior, they likely harbor negative thoughts about themselves. Examples include:
- 'I'm an ugly, fat pig; no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend.'
- 'I hate this job, but no one would hire someone like me.'
- 'I’m such a failure.'
Intervene before the problem worsens. Be aware that low self-esteem can deteriorate over time if left untreated. If you believe someone needs help, speak to them as soon as possible. Individuals with declining self-esteem often exhibit behaviors such as:
- Enduring abusive relationships.
- Becoming bullies or self-abusers.
- Abandoning dreams and goals due to fear of failure.
- Neglecting personal hygiene.
- Engaging in self-harm.
Practice Self-Care
Set appropriate boundaries if necessary. Someone with low self-esteem may become overly dependent or pitiable. If you want to help them, you might face challenges like late-night calls, exhausting conversations about their issues, or demands on your time when you have other obligations. Therefore, it’s important to establish boundaries to prevent the friendship from becoming toxic. For example:
- Your primary responsibility is to your children. This doesn’t mean friends aren’t important, but listening to your child’s dance recital story takes precedence over reading a friend’s poetry.
- Calls after 10 PM should be reserved for genuine emergencies. A car accident is an emergency, but a breakup is not.
- Allocate time to nurture other relationships. While you value this friend, you also need to spend time with other friends, family, partners, and even yourself.
- Discuss what’s troubling them, but also share your own life, interests, and experiences. Friendship is a two-way relationship based on give-and-take.
Remember that you are just a friend, not a specialist doctor. A specialist doctor is not an ordinary friend, and a friend is certainly not a specialist doctor. While trying to help someone with very low self-esteem, a friend might spend a lot of time and effort assisting their unfortunate companion, but it may not be effective. This can lead to both parties feeling extremely unhappy and unbalanced. However, a specialist doctor can improve the situation in ways that even the closest friends often cannot.
Do not tolerate abuse. Unfortunately, individuals with low self-esteem can become negative towards others. Sometimes, this escalates to a severe level, such as abuse. No one is forcing you to help someone who harms you physically, verbally, or in any other way.
- Low self-esteem does not grant anyone the "freedom" to be cruel or harsh towards others, regardless of the reasons behind their low self-esteem.
- You have the right to protect yourself from further harm. You can choose to end the friendship in a proper manner.
