Buzz
If you're unsure whether your friend is truly loyal or not, it often indicates that something has happened to make you question their reliability. The fact that you're uncertain shows that the friendship is under scrutiny, and your instincts must be acknowledged before deciding if it's worth maintaining. So, is this friend truly on your side or not?
Steps
Is Your Friend Interested in Being with You?
Spend quality time with your friend. Spending time together is a fundamental part of any friendship. Start here, as it offers the clearest indication of whether your friend is willing to invest in the relationship. Consider how your friend responds to your desire to hang out together:
- If your friend is willing to make time for you, that's a great sign. True friends prioritize spending time with each other and don’t avoid it as though they have better things to do. While they may occasionally be genuinely busy, they still make time when it’s appropriate, such as during breaks, weekends, or holidays.
- If your friend constantly avoids plans or offers endless excuses, it’s a clear red flag. If they bail on plans you've made together repeatedly, it indicates they don’t prioritize your time. Remember, no one is “always busy”—it’s just an excuse that shows they don't value the friendship.
- If your friend consistently ditches you, and it’s not in a joking manner, that’s a sign they’re not truly a good friend.
Observe what occurs if you attempt to spend time with a friend who seems to be signaling they don't want you around. Tag along with them. This might feel uncomfortable, but you can casually ask, "Hey, how's everything going today?" and walk alongside your friend. Pay attention to their response and comfort levels. If they’re genuinely your friend, they’ll be happy to have you by their side. If not, they might grunt, avoid conversation, shrug a lot, or speed up to get away from you.
Invite your friend to a party or a special event at your home. Extend an invitation to your friend and see if they accept. If they come, observe whether they’re being friendly or simply stuffing their face with cake and soda, grabbing the goodie bag, and leaving early. As the host or center of attention, a true friend should engage with you and be sociable. A false friend will use the event to take what they want and then quickly disappear without a word.
Mytour Quiz: Is Your Friend Toxic?
Friendships should be about offering support, spreading love, and keeping things positive… but lately, your friend just doesn’t seem to be passing the vibe check. Is the friendship turning toxic, or is it just going through a rough period? Take this quiz to find out!
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How often does your friend cancel on plans?
How Supportive Is Your Friend?
Remember, friendship isn’t just about those who are loyal when you’re around. It’s also about those who stay true when you’re not there to defend yourself. In this section, you’ll find several "tests" you can try to see how your friend acts when you're not in the room. You can do one, two, or all of them—or skip this part entirely. Your comfort is what matters most, so if you need to, feel free to move on to Part 3.
- It’s important to assess the balance in your friendship. It shouldn’t be one-sided, where you're constantly giving your time while feeling drained.
Pay attention to how your friend behaves when they don't realize you're around. This gives you a chance to see what kind of people your friend associates with, or whether they say anything negative about you or someone close to you. Position yourself in the background, quietly observing without drawing attention to yourself. Don’t give away any hints that you're watching. If they're not being a good friend, they likely won’t notice you. They might talk poorly about you or someone important to you.
- Listen for verbal signs and pay attention to physical and emotional cues as well.
Consider how your friend handles your personal secrets. A trustworthy friend will keep your secrets safe and won’t spread gossip or, worse, lies. Does your friend honor your privacy? Have you ever heard something you shared in confidence from someone else?
- Test your friend. Share a fake secret with them and see if they talk about it or spread rumors. Make sure the secret is something harmless but sensational enough to be noticed.
Conduct the trolling test. This is completely optional, so if it feels uncomfortable, strange, or undesirable, feel free to skip it. However, if you think it might help and you have someone willing to assist, it could provide additional insight for your decision. The test is simple: Have a colleague or classmate say something negative about you to your friend and ask them to either record the conversation or tell you what was said. If recording isn’t possible, you can observe the interaction yourself while it unfolds. If your friend stands up for you, it’s a good indication of loyalty. But if they agree and join in with the criticism, you’ll know that this person isn’t a true friend.
How Does Your Friend Treat You?
Be cautious of a friend who insists on doing everything their way or only when it's convenient for them. If they expect you to go along with whatever they want, regardless of how you feel or what you’d prefer to do, it suggests they don’t value you. Instead, they see you as a tool to serve their needs. This is a typical sign of a controlling personality. Building a healthy friendship with such a person is nearly impossible because you’ll never know if they value you for who you are or what you can do for them.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work
Never lose your sense of self. "I feel like I belong everywhere I go, no matter where I am or who I'm with, as long as I stay true to myself. The moment I start becoming who someone else wants me to be in order to fit in or make people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere."
Consider how you feel when you’re around this person. Do you feel comfortable being yourself, or do you feel like you have to act a certain way or be overly cautious with your words? A true friend is someone you can be completely yourself around, without the fear of being judged for your quirks, spontaneous comments, or unique perspectives. A true friend accepts you as you are and won’t require you to tiptoe around them or censor your words. When you can speak freely and be yourself, that’s when you know you’re with the right person.
- A true friend gives you the freedom to be yourself. Anything less isn’t genuine friendship.
Take a break from your friend for a while. Pay attention to their reaction. Do they express concern about your absence or ask if you’re okay? Or do they seem relieved to be rid of you? How they respond can reveal how much they care, as only someone who notices your absence and hears your silence truly values you.
Reflect on what happens when you're in need. True friends are the ones who stay by your side, especially during difficult times. Hardships can truly reveal the nature of your friendships. The friends who vanish when you’re struggling are the ones who were only pretending. These fair-weather friends are unworthy of your time, as they are always looking for what they can get. Real friends stay, support, and love you no matter what. A real friend shares both your happiness and your sorrows, offering comfort in all moments.
- A true friendship is one where each friend values the other for who they are, not for their wealth or influence. It’s about the unspoken connection of “I understand you, and you understand me.”
- 'Reader Poll: We asked 237 Mytour readers to share what behavior most clearly indicates that someone isn’t a true friend, and 50% of them said: only reaching out when they need something. [Take Poll] If your friend isn’t there for you when you’re struggling but expects you to always come to their aid, it’s a clear sign they might not be a genuine friend.
Making Your Choice
Consider everything you've discovered by evaluating your friendship with the tips above. Does your friend seem trustworthy or not? Do you feel comfortable, happy, and at ease with them, or do you feel controlled, awkward, or uneasy? Does your friend motivate and uplift you, or do they cause you anxiety and stress? Do you have proof that they support you, or do they talk negatively about you? Keep in mind that no friend is better than a fake friend. If this one proves untrustworthy, new, genuine friendships await. Sometimes, your circle of friends may shrink, but it will become more valuable, so trust the process.
- If you’re questioning this friend’s loyalty, that’s a red flag. The people you owe loyalty to are those who never make you question theirs.
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A true friend is someone who values you, even when you’re not present. If your friend is the type to gossip behind your back or talk ill of others, they likely aren’t a true friend.
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If you believe your friend is lying, gather concrete proof of their words or actions so you can confront them directly.
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If you feel your friend wasn’t there for you during tough times, there’s a good chance they’re not a true friend.
The suggestions provided in this section come from the firsthand experiences of Mytour readers just like you. If you have a piece of advice you’d like to contribute to Mytour, feel free to share it in the field below.
- Some friends might apologize for hurting you, even if they don’t truly feel sorry. Before accepting their apology, take a moment to reflect. Are they genuinely remorseful or simply trying to make you stop being upset? Is this a recurring pattern? Do you feel good when you're around them?
- If your friend asks deeply personal questions but refuses to open up about themselves, ask why. They could be feeling anxious or they might not fully trust you. A true friend is open about who they are and what they're going through.
- If you notice you're always the one initiating contact, your friend may not be giving you the attention you deserve in the relationship.
Important Warnings
- If you ask other friends to speak with this person on your behalf, they might accuse you of invading their privacy.
- Reading your friend's diary is a risky move. Diaries are often a space where people work through their thoughts, which can fluctuate frequently depending on their mood, and might not accurately represent their true feelings towards you. It’s complicated and shouldn’t be the basis for judging the status of your relationship.
- If your friend discovers you’ve been scheming, they may accuse you of betraying their trust, saying something like, "I always liked you until now." If trust is broken, then perhaps it’s time to reconsider the friendship.
