How to Tell if Your Partner Is Upset with You

Observe how he interacts with you. Anger often shows up as avoidance, irritability, negative body language, hostility, or inconsistent moods. This means that anger doesn’t always come across as an argument.

• If he’s usually reserved, avoidance might not mean he’s angry. If he’s very talkative, being snappy could just be his form of sarcasm. Take note of these behaviors only if they differ from his usual mannerisms.
• He might outright tell you if something is bothering him.

Watch how he behaves in group settings. If he starts avoiding direct interactions, showing extra respect to others, focusing more on other people than usual, or making subtle remarks, he could be bottling up his anger. Overthinking these signs might lead to misunderstandings, so it's helpful to talk to friends who were part of the group. Make sure to ask someone who has consistently been around both of you in these settings for a more accurate perspective.

Observe his willingness to make plans. This doesn’t mean he’s upset just because he hasn’t proposed yet. However, if he’s unwilling to commit to something like a date night or an upcoming event, it might be a sign of underlying anger. When someone is angry, they often don’t feel like making future plans with the person they’re upset with.

Pay attention to his body language. Anger doesn’t always show up as outward aggression. While aggression and violence are obvious signs of anger, body language can sometimes give more subtle hints. For example, crossing his arms could signal that he's blocking you out emotionally. The more tightly his arms are crossed, the more closed off he may be. If his hands form fists, and his legs are crossed, it could indicate additional tension.

• However, not all crossed arms indicate defensiveness. Sometimes people cross their arms simply because they’re cold, so take this body language cue in context rather than jumping to conclusions.

Test his reactions. Positive actions should generally lead to positive responses. If you do something thoughtful, like making him a snack or giving him a gift, and his response is cold or unenthusiastic, there could be an issue. Make a note of how he reacts to small gestures of kindness to see if there’s any tension.

Select the right location to talk. Choose a quiet, private setting where both you and he can feel at ease. This creates an environment that allows for more open communication compared to a public setting. If you prefer having friends around for support, make sure not to overwhelm him. Avoid ganging up on him, as it might cause him to shut down.

• Have the conversation in person, rather than over the phone. This ensures he responds quickly and directly. A phone call could give him too much control, allowing him to delay his responses, which might lead to more conflict.

Practice what you’ll say first. Whether with a trusted friend, a pet, or even in front of a mirror, rehearse the opening moments of your conversation. This can be a tricky situation for your partner, and if he feels cornered, misled, or ambushed, it will be harder for him to open up. Keeping your tone neutral and direct will help him feel more at ease.

• ”I’ve noticed you might be upset about something, and I’ve been reflecting on it. Can we talk and clear the air?”
• ”I’ve felt that we’ve been a little distant lately. I’ve seen you pulling away. Is there something bothering you?”
• ”Something seems different with you lately. I’d love to know if anything’s troubling you.”

Stay consistent. Avoid intensifying the emotions by displaying fluctuating feelings. Keep your tone steady and positive to maintain a productive conversation. Reassure him that you care about him and are there to help him work through any emotions or issues he may be dealing with.

Be actively present in the conversation. Show that you care by maintaining eye contact and using natural gestures while speaking. A gentle touch on his hand or shoulder can help create a sense of closeness and encourage him to open up. Steer clear of eye-rolling, as it may come off as frustration and could make him more upset with you.

Prepare to be empathetic. If he is angry, it's crucial that you don’t become defensive. Be ready to acknowledge any mistakes you may have made. You’ve asked him to share his feelings, and being dismissive or combative could prevent him from opening up in the future.

• If you'd like more advice, Kelli Miller, a psychotherapist and Mytour Brand Ambassador, recently wrote a helpful book — Love Hacks — which offers valuable guidance for handling relationship conflicts.

• Don't let the issue linger for too long. If you notice a shift in his behavior, address it before it has a chance to escalate into something more serious.
• If this behavior happens frequently, it may be time to reassess the relationship. Consider whether it’s worth continuing if unresolved issues are a constant presence in your daily life.

• If he ever becomes physically aggressive, leave the situation immediately.