How to Tell Someone That You Are Abusing Yourself

Confessing to someone that you're harming yourself can be an extremely frightening experience, but it is an act of bravery that you can be proud of. At first, you might not get the response you expect, but discussing your self-harm is an essential step toward healing. Sharing your emotions and issues will become easier if you take the time to reflect on them first.

Reflect on who has supported you during difficult times in the past. Consider sharing with someone who has previously helped and supported you.

• A friend who was once there for you may no longer be by your side. Sometimes, that friend might be so shocked that they don't offer the sympathetic response you were hoping for.
• Understand that while they were there for you in the past, if they don't react the way you expect, it could be because they are in shock.

Choose someone you trust. This is the most important factor. You need to feel completely comfortable with this person and know that you can talk to them and trust that their presence is for your well-being.

• However, you should be aware that just because this person has kept your secrets in the past doesn't mean they will do the same now. People often get scared when they hear a friend is hurting themselves and may feel compelled to tell someone else because they want to help you.

Think about your purpose for talking to the person. If you just need to unload your feelings, you'll want to choose a trustworthy friend. If you feel you need medical help, you might consider speaking to a doctor first. Reflecting on what you hope to gain from the conversation will help you decide who to share this with.

• If you're a teenager, you should first consider talking to an older adult you trust before confiding in your friends. Try talking to your parents, a school counselor, or a teacher. This way, you'll get the proper support before talking to your friends.
• If you've already received treatment for any issue, consider speaking to your specialist first. They can work with you to figure out the best way to talk to your friends and family. If you're not receiving treatment, now is the time to seek help, as the best course of action is to go through this process with a professional who is experienced in dealing with self-abuse.
• If you're struggling with trust issues, you might want to talk to a priest or pastor.
• Before speaking to a doctor, consider some of the services they might recommend to help you decide what you want: therapy or personal counseling groups, home visits from nurses, or discussing medication options if you're dealing with depression or anxiety.
• If your school performance is being affected, you could consider speaking to a school counselor or teacher for guidance.
• If you're not of marriageable age and are talking to a professional or school staff, you may need to know that it is their responsibility to report any information you share about self-harm. First, ask them about the rules regarding sharing any information you tell them.

Practice in front of a mirror. Telling someone you are abusing yourself can be extremely frightening and difficult. Practicing some conversations beforehand can help you explain your message more clearly when you talk to your friends and give you the confidence and strength you need.

• Practicing at home can also help you mentally prepare what you plan to say and allow you to practice responses to potential reactions. Think about how your friends might respond and prepare your responses.

Speak to them privately in person. Speaking face-to-face is always harder, but it allows you to express yourself in real-time. Moreover, serious emotional issues deserve your direct attention. Hugs and shared tears when meeting in person can be comforting.

• Talking to someone face-to-face can empower you.
• The initial reaction may not be what you hoped for, so be prepared to face anger, sadness, or agitation.

Choose a place where you feel comfortable. Telling someone in person is a significant step, and you deserve to be in a space that makes you feel at ease and private when sharing this with them.

Write a letter or email. Although this method means the person you're communicating with will have to process the shocking news without an immediate chance to react, sometimes the delay is exactly what both you and they need. You can carefully choose what to say and how to say it without interruptions. This also gives the recipient time to process the information.

• After sending the letter or email, be sure to follow up with a phone call or in-person conversation, as the reader may be worried about you. Waiting for further news might make them anxious. End your message by scheduling a call within two days or suggesting they email you when they're ready to talk.

Call someone on the phone. Talking to a friend or someone you trust over the phone still allows for real-time conversation with the support of not having to face their immediate reaction in person.

• You won't benefit from non-verbal communication, so be careful to avoid any misunderstandings.
• If you're talking to someone far away, they may feel powerless to help. Try suggesting ways they can support you even from a distance.
• Calling a helpline is also a great way to start a conversation with someone and may give you the strength, courage, and confidence to talk to those you're familiar with.

Show someone you trust your scars. If you can't find the right words to begin the conversation, simply showing someone what you've done to cope can create an opportunity to discuss the issue.

• Try to get them to focus on the meaning behind the behavior immediately, rather than focusing on the scars themselves.

Write, draw, or sketch about it. Expressing emotions creatively not only helps you articulate yourself and feel relief, but it is also another way to convey your feelings to others.

Never talk to someone when you're angry. Saying something like, "You made me cut myself" can shift the focus away from your feelings and put the listener on the defensive. An argument may start, ruining this very important conversation.

• Even if your emotions stem from a personal issue with them, self-harm is always your choice, so blaming someone while angry won't help you.

Be ready to face questions. The person you confide in will likely have many questions for you. Make sure to choose a time for the conversation when you have plenty of time to talk.

• If they ask a question you're not ready to answer, simply decline. Don't feel pressured to answer all their questions.
• Some questions they may ask include: Why are you doing this? Do you want to kill yourself? How does it help you? Is it something I did? And why don't you stop?

Self-harming through alcohol. You may feel tempted to build false courage and reduce inhibitions by drinking alcohol before confiding in someone, but alcohol can amplify emotional reactions and instability in what is already a difficult situation.

Talk about why you're harming yourself. Cutting is not the problem—it's the underlying emotions behind each cut. Understanding the reasons for your behavior can help both you and the person listening to you address the issue.

• Be as open as possible about how you feel and why you self-harm. Gaining someone else's understanding will ensure you have the necessary support in the long term.

Don't share graphic details or images. You want others to understand, but not to become scared or lose focus because the details are too difficult for them to hear.

• You might need to delve deeper into the specifics of your self-harming behavior when talking to a doctor or therapist. These professionals will need this understanding to better assist you in coping.

Explain why you're telling them. Some people admit that self-abuse stems from feeling lonely and isolated, not wanting to face it alone. Others fear that the self-harm will worsen and seek help. Explaining to your friends why you’re sharing this now will help them understand how you’re feeling.

• You might be planning a vacation or want to get closer to someone but fear showing scars for the first time.
• Perhaps someone discovered your self-harm and threatened to tell your parents, so you want to tell them first.
• Maybe you haven’t told them before because you feared being labeled or invalidating your coping mechanisms.

Show that you accept yourself. Your friends will find it easier to accept you if they see that you understand your reasons for self-harming, why it happens, and why you're sharing this with them.

• Don’t apologize. You’re not sharing this to make them upset, and you don’t harm yourself to make them uncomfortable.

Prepare for shock, anger, and sadness. When you reveal your self-harm to someone, their initial reaction might be anger, fear, guilt, shame, or sadness. Remember that this response is because they care about you.

• Initial reactions are not always an indication that someone won’t support you. Your friend might react negatively, but it’s not a criticism of you; it's due to their own coping skills and emotions.
• Understand that the person you're confiding in will need time to process this information.

Consider requests that might make you stop. Your friend might ask you to stop self-harming in an attempt to protect and care for you. They often feel they are doing the right thing by making this request.

• They might threaten not to support you or speak to you until you stop. Your friend could cut ties with you or even resort to threats.
• Explain that their request is not helpful and adds more pressure on you. Instead, ask them to show support by staying with you through this journey.
• Clarify to your friends or family that this isn’t something that can be resolved overnight, and healing takes time. You need their support throughout this process. Remind them that as they’re learning about you, you’re also learning about yourself.
• If you’re seeing a doctor or therapist, let your friend know. This may reassure them that you’re receiving proper care.

Anticipate misconceptions. Your friend may automatically assume that you want to die, harm others, seek attention, or that you could stop if you really wanted to.

• They may also speculate that your self-injury is just a trend or a phase.
• Be patient and understand their confusion, and share resources to help them understand self-harm better.
• Explain that self-harm is not the same as suicide, but a coping mechanism you're using.
• Let them know that you are not trying to gain attention. In fact, most people conceal their self-harm for a long time before they decide to talk about it.

Take responsibility for the conversation. If your friend is shouting at you or threatening you, politely tell them that yelling and threats won't help. This is your issue, and you will do your best to face it. End the conversation if necessary.

Keep focusing on yourself. Depending on who you choose to talk to, their reactions may vary. Your parents might think it's their fault. Your friends might feel guilty for not noticing sooner.

• Understand that it may be difficult for them to listen, but gently remind them that you need to share your feelings now.
• Let them know that you're confiding in them because you trust them, not because you want to blame them.

Provide them with resources. Prepare some websites or books that you can share with the person you're talking to. They might be hesitant about what they don't understand, so you can offer tools to help them assist you.

Tell them how they can help you. If you want alternative coping strategies, ask for them. If you just need someone to sit with you when you're feeling like harming yourself, let them know. Tell them if you'd like someone to accompany you to see a doctor.

Process your emotions afterward. Take pride in the strength and courage you've shown by opening up about your struggles. Give yourself time to reflect.

• You might feel relief and happiness now that you've shared your secret. This sense of ease can serve as motivation to talk more about your self-harm with a counselor or doctor. While you may not always feel comfortable discussing it, this is an important step toward healing.
• You may feel anger or frustration if your friend didn't respond as you expected. Remember, their reaction is more about their emotional challenges and coping skills. If their response negatively affects you, it could make things worse and potentially worsen your self-harming behavior. Instead, remember that your friends have just received surprising news, and they need time to adjust. People often regret their initial reactions to unexpected news.
• If you haven't yet sought professional help, now is the time to pursue it. Sharing this with someone close to you is a great first step. However, you likely have many emotional issues to work through, and it's best to address these with someone trained and experienced in this field.