How to Train Discipline in Children

Training discipline involves teaching children to behave properly instead of resorting to punishment. Depending on your child's age, you will choose the most appropriate method of discipline. Start by setting clear and understandable rules. Consistency is key when applying discipline, along with establishing principles that help your child succeed. Don't forget to acknowledge their good behavior and always encourage them to do the right thing.

Establish Family Rules. Regardless of age, children need to understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Let your child know your expectations by establishing family rules. They should be aware of behaviors that are unacceptable and the consequences of breaking the rules.

• Rules and punishments should vary depending on your child's age and maturity. Younger children need rules without corporal punishment, while older children may need guidelines related to 'curfew.' Adjust the rules flexibly as your child matures or requires new boundaries.

Establish a Routine. Children thrive when they have a structured routine, as it provides them with a sense of security and predictability. If you notice your child isn't cooperating at certain times of the day or becomes uncontrollable when tired, make a note of this and create a schedule that fits your child's needs.

• Make the morning and evening routines familiar so your child knows what to expect throughout the day.
• If there are any changes in the child's schedule (like a dentist visit or family gathering on the weekend), inform your child in advance.
• Some children may feel frustrated when transitioning between activities. If your child needs time to adjust, factor that into the schedule.

Make Your Child Aware of Natural Consequences. Allowing natural consequences to occur helps children understand the cause-and-effect relationship and teaches them to take responsibility for their actions. When you let natural consequences unfold, provide choices and explain the outcome of each. The child is the one who decides what happens and experiences the result.

• Ensure the consequence is appropriate and offers a valuable lesson for the child to learn from their mistake.
• For example, if a child takes too long to get ready to go to the park, they may lose playtime at the park.

Be Consistent with Discipline. Many parents tend to make exceptions or allow certain behaviors without consequences. Children need to understand that discipline will always be applied, and they can't avoid it. Show your child that you're serious by applying consequences whenever the rules are not followed.

• Don’t be surprised if your child makes excuses or justifies their behavior. Simply be firm and say, 'You didn’t follow the rules, so you must face the consequence.'
• If you have multiple children (or a big family), consistency in handling each child is important. Otherwise, children may feel treated unfairly.

Set Realistic Expectations. Setting expectations that are too high for your child’s behavior may create pressure; on the other hand, setting them too low can lead to undesirable behavior or a lack of potential development. Each child grows in their own unique way with individual strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, don’t expect younger children to act or behave like older ones.

• Take the time to understand and become familiar with age-appropriate behaviors for your child.

Redirect Your Child's Attention. Toddlers (ages 1, 2, or 3) can create chaos in an instant! If your toddler is behaving inappropriately or refuses to share with others, you can guide them to a different activity. Redirect their focus to something else, and be sure to praise them when they accept the new activity.

• However, if the child is engaging in behavior that could harm their safety or the safety of others, immediate intervention is necessary. Prioritize safety over redirecting attention.

Give a Warning. Young children need reminders. If your child is about to break a rule or behave inappropriately, issue a warning. When your child hears the warning, they will understand the consequences of their actions. Use the 'If... then' format to help your child recognize the outcome of their behavior.

• For example, you might say, 'Hitting is not good. If you continue hitting, you will be punished by standing/sitting still.'

Use the Time-Out Punishment. This is an appropriate method for young children and helps them calm down. If your child becomes uncontrollable or disobedient, a time-out can help them regain composure. This punishment is often effective because it gives the child time to calm down and reflect on their actions.

• Many parents use the time-out method for a duration based on their child's age. You can also allow your child to stay in time-out until they calm down.

Keep Explanations Short and Gentle. Since your child is still developing their vocabulary, avoid long explanations about their behavior and punishment. Keep it brief using simple words that toddlers can understand. Explain what the child did wrong and why they must face the consequence. Don't forget to guide them on what they should do in the future.

• For example, you might say, 'Because you hit An, you will be punished with a time-out. We don’t hit others. Next time, if you’re upset, come to mom.'

Give Your Child Basic Choices. Toddlers enjoy the feeling of control as they begin to develop their independence. If your child is refusing to follow instructions because they don't want to do something, give them a choice. This approach helps them focus and decide what will happen next.

• For example, let your toddler choose their clothes or decide which bedtime story to read. If they refuse to wear shoes, offer them a choice between blue or red shoes.
• Choices can also be simple, such as wearing a jacket or facing a time-out. For instance, you can say, 'It’s your choice. What do you want to do?'

Suggest alternative behaviors. Instead of telling your child that what they are doing is wrong, guide them on what they should do instead. Children may not know the correct behavior, so they need guidance.

• For example, if your child is playing roughly with the puppy, say, 'We should gently pet the puppy like this, dear.'

Implement appropriate punishments. Even if a child has faced the natural consequences of their actions, you can still apply an appropriate punishment. A logical connection between the behavior and the punishment can help the child understand the consequences of their actions.

• For example, if your child lies about completing their chores, assign them additional tasks.

Discuss your child's actions. Children of school age are old enough to understand their actions. Take this opportunity to show empathy and explain why certain behaviors are inappropriate or negative. It’s time for children to realize how their actions affect others and themselves.

• For example, many children start lying to gain attention or push boundaries. If your child begins lying, explain how lying hurts others, makes them untrustworthy, and negatively impacts friendships.

Allow your child to choose their responsibilities. Children in school age enjoy having choices to feel a sense of control, motivating them to complete tasks. If you struggle with getting your child to do chores (or homework), try asking what they would prefer to do. For homework, let them decide the order of completion or what to do during a specific time.

• For chores, offer six options and let them pick four tasks they'd like to do.
• Some parents offer gifts or money for extra chores. If your child desires something, let them earn it by choosing a chore through a lottery. The harder the task, the greater the reward or money!

Help children who struggle or lack responsibility succeed. Some children face difficulties in completing their responsibilities at home or school. While this could be due to laziness, you can create an environment that fosters success. Pay attention to your child's challenges and find ways to support them.

• If your child struggles with homework every night, set aside dedicated time for them to work on it.
• If your child often takes too long to get out of bed and prepare for school on time, create a schedule that allows them to take their time in the morning. You could ask them to organize their notebooks and uniform the night before.

Praise your child when they do well. When your child accomplishes something, let them know you are proud! Praise and recognition are incredibly meaningful to children. This tells them that you are always paying attention to their actions and are proud of them. Most children seek approval and attention from their parents, so don't hesitate to offer it!

• For instance, you might say, 'I know you didn’t want to clean your room, but I’m so proud that you did it. Now you can go play at your friend's house.'

Involve your child in setting limits. It is very helpful to listen to your child's perspective on what is fair and reasonable. When your child has ownership over their behavior and the limits associated with it, they will be more likely to follow through on them. While you have the final say, your child will feel that their opinion is valued and considered.

• Let your child know that you welcome their input regarding family rules. If they want to change something, give them the opportunity to present their case or suggest alternatives.

Take away privileges. When your child resists, you can revoke certain privileges. This could include TV time, phone use, or computer access. Your child can earn these privileges back through positive behavior.

• For example, if your 13-year-old talks back, you might keep their phone for a day. If they continue to talk back when it's time to return the phone, keep it for another day. Let them know that they can regain their privileges with positive actions.

Teach your child to stop arguing and disrespecting you. Teenagers often argue with their parents, but it's important to teach them to respect their parents even during disagreements. You should allow your child to change their tone, but if they don't, stop the conversation.

• You need to show your child how to express respect and speak up when they cross a line. For example, instruct them not to raise their voice or use profanity at home.

Listen to your child's opinions. While children need to respect their parents, parents should also respect their children. When your child has something to say, listen carefully. There might be a reason or an exception behind their behavior if you give them a chance to explain. Let your child know you care about what they say and how they feel.

• For example, you could say: 'You came home late last night, and I want to understand why.'

Make agreements with your child. Teenagers often break rules or act rebelliously. If you enforce strict rules, prepare to see some of them being broken. If your child regularly breaks the rules, try negotiating so both sides feel heard.

• For instance, if you want your child to keep you updated on where they are and who they’re with, agree to buy them a phone on the condition that they use it to keep in touch. If they don't, you'll take it back.

• Don't threaten your child. When your child makes you angry, you might say things you don't mean. However, this undermines your authority as a parent and disciplinarian.
• Avoid harsh punishments.
• Never resort to hitting or spanking your child. Using force doesn’t effectively correct behavior; it teaches children that problems are solved through violence. It also leads them to develop aggressive habits.
• Pay attention to your child regularly. If you think your child acts out to get attention, set aside time each day just for you and your child.
• Disciplining toddlers is a broad topic, especially since it helps establish good habits for later stages of discipline as they grow older.
• If your child has disabilities or significant concerns, do not discipline them as you would a typical child.