Buzz
If you're having difficulty understanding the women in your life, don't worry – it's not as complicated as you think. The secret to understanding women is to put aside your assumptions and take the time to get to know each person. Whether she's an acquaintance, family member, or partner, if you spend time talking to them and truly listen to what they say, you will soon gain a better understanding of them and what matters to them. You'll also recognize the value of becoming familiar with women's issues and how to identify and question certain stereotypes related to gender.
Steps
Learn about a woman
Avoid making assumptions about her. It will be difficult to understand someone if you assume you know everything (or something) about them. When trying to understand women, you should begin by eliminating any assumptions about her thoughts or feelings. Don’t jump to conclusions thinking you know her life, interests, or core beliefs.
- For instance, if she is single, don’t assume she is lonely and looking for a relationship. Not every woman wants to be in a couple.
- You might find it hard to recognize your own assumptions. If you have a thought about the woman in your life, stop and ask yourself: “Why do I think this? Is there a legitimate reason for me to believe this?”
See her as an independent individual. Remember that every woman is a unique person with her own story, circumstances, and personal experiences. These things shape her identity. When you start getting to know her, you need to view her as an individual first, before letting gender or preconceived ideas about how women 'should' be come into play.
- This doesn't mean ignoring gender – after all, it plays an important role in shaping many people's identities. However, be mindful that gender does not entirely define who she is.
Ask about her feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. One of the best ways to understand and connect with someone is through conversation. If you want to understand women better, ask questions. However, avoid asking too personal or intrusive questions, especially if you're not very close with her. For example, here are some questions you can ask:
- “What do you usually do in your free time?”
- “How do you feel about this issue?”
- “Why did you choose to pursue that field?”
- “What are your goals for the near future?”
Pay close attention to what she says. Asking questions and having conversations will only help you understand women if you genuinely care about what they say. When she shares something, make an effort to listen and grasp the meaning. Don’t just focus on what you’re going to say in response during the conversation. Instead, listen first, then think about how to respond.
- If you don’t understand something, try repeating it in your own words or ask questions to clarify.
- For example, you might say, “It sounds like you don’t want to use this brand because they haven’t provided a solution to environmental issues, is that right?”
Pay attention to her body language. Listening to someone's words isn't the only way to understand them. Paying attention to non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions and posture, is also crucial. When you're with a woman or talking to her, observe how she expresses her emotions through her face and body.
- For example, if she looks at you, smiles, and relaxes her hands by her sides, she might be feeling comfortable and at ease.
- If she looks down at the floor and crosses her arms, she could be feeling nervous, shy, or anxious.
Take time to meet her when possible. Spending time with someone can help you understand them better. If you can meet her, you’ll have a chance to observe how she behaves in different situations and with different people. Depending on how close and comfortable she feels with you, you could try arranging a one-on-one meeting or invite her to hang out with a group of people.
- Make a clear invitation. For example, instead of asking vaguely, “Do you want to go somewhere with me sometimes?”, you could say, “A few friends and I are attending an event on Friday. Would you like to join us?”
- For a one-on-one meeting, try inviting her to an activity with less pressure, so you have time to chat and get to know her better. For example, you might invite her to grab coffee or have lunch.
Have a conversation with her acquaintances for a different perspective. If someone's behavior confuses you, talking to their friends or acquaintances can sometimes provide valuable insights. These individuals can help you understand her actions, thoughts, or words better.
- For example, you might say: “You've known Lan for a while. Do you know why she seems upset whenever parrots are mentioned?”
Put yourself in her shoes. Empathy is an essential part of understanding someone deeply. Try to picture yourself in her situation and ask yourself how you would feel and think in a similar scenario.
- For example, you might think, "Mai occasionally forgets things, but she works two shifts and takes care of a young child. She must often feel exhausted and drained."
Learn about the challenges women face. Even if you live in a place with legal and social gender equality, both men and women deal with unique issues and challenges. To truly understand a woman, you need to consider the bigger picture and understand the pressures and biases she faces that you may not experience.
- For example, you could read articles, books, or opinions on issues such as the differences in how healthcare providers treat men and women, or the challenges women face in the workplace.
- If she complains about the struggles and frustrations women face, resist the urge to dismiss or act indifferent. Be open and try to understand things from her point of view.
Become more understanding in romantic relationships
Give her your full attention when you're together. Even in a romantic relationship, it's hard to understand her if you don't focus on her. You don't need to be completely focused on her 24/7, but give her your attention when you spend time together. Set aside your phone and distractions and really listen to what she says.
- When talking, try to fully understand what she is saying before responding. Ask questions to clarify what she's sharing.
- She will likely do the same if she realizes that you're genuinely paying attention and trying to understand her.
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Clinical psychologist
Clinical psychologist
Try out different romantic gestures based on what she enjoys. The key is to discover what she finds truly romantic. Some women love receiving flowers at the office on Valentine's Day, as it makes them feel special and noticed. On the other hand, others may find such gestures cheesy or intrusive to their personal space.
Take an active interest in her likes and interests. You'll understand your partner better and build a stronger relationship by showing interest (even a little) in the things that matter to her. Ask her about her favorite activities, her goals, dreams, and what values and beliefs are most significant to her. From there, you can plan to engage in some of her hobbies.
- For instance, you might watch her favorite TV show together or occasionally join her in playing her favorite video games.
- Ask questions about what interests her. For example, “What do you like most about this book?” or “What made you interested in rock climbing?”
- Learning about her interests not only brings you closer but also helps you understand her better.
Avoid making accusations or jumping to conclusions during disagreements. If your partner does something you don't understand or disagree with, refrain from complaining or accusing them immediately. Doing so will cause her to become defensive, making it harder for you to understand her perspective and work through the issue. Instead, express how you feel and calmly and respectfully ask for her explanation.
- For instance, you might say, “I feel hurt and confused when you talk about my brother like that. Why did you say that?”
- Avoid using accusatory language or making assumptions. For example, don’t say, “You always try to put me and my family down to feel better about yourself!”
Check in with her. If you're unsure how she feels or what she's thinking, the best way to find out is to ask. Make sure you're genuinely interested in her response and follow up with more questions if you're unsure.
- You could ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling?” or more specific ones like, “Are you upset about our argument earlier?”
- If she gives a vague answer or says she doesn't want to talk about it, don’t push or act frustrated. Instead, you could say, “I understand. If you want to talk about it, I’m always here to listen.”
Connect with your thoughts and emotions. This might sound unusual, but understanding yourself better can help you relate to your partner more easily. If you're unclear about what's going on in your mind and heart, it will be harder to connect with her thoughts and emotions. Take some time each day to mindfully observe your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.
- Don’t try to judge or analyze your thoughts and feelings. Simply observe and label them. For example, you might quietly think, “When I argue with Lan, I feel scared. I’m afraid of losing her. My shoulders feel tense and my heart is racing.”
Did you know? Research shows that people who practice mindfulness meditation tend to empathize and feel compassion for others more easily.
