How to Work with Your Ex

Working alongside an ex can be a difficult and messy situation. Breaking up is never easy, even if you don't see each other frequently at work. However, you can handle this situation and maintain a normal working relationship with your ex. With openness and clear focus, you might even transform potential tension into motivation to care for yourself and achieve work-related goals more effectively.

Clarify Your Priorities. You need to be clear about your intentions when it comes to prioritizing and maintaining focus at work, even when your ex is nearby. Consider your options carefully and remember that you have the right to make decisions; you don't have to work at the same company as your ex.

• Is this job easily replaceable or just temporary? There may be factors indicating that working with your ex could do more harm than good, causing unnecessary emotional stress and chaos that aren't worth the sacrifice for your career.

Be open and honest with yourself about the feelings that linger. When we try so hard not to think about something, it can be incredibly difficult to stop thinking about it. This phenomenon is known as the 'white bear effect,' and it works similarly with all kinds of temptations. Therefore, don't attempt to force the image of your ex out of your mind when it unexpectedly arises. By doing so, you're removing the feeling of the 'forbidden fruit' that could distract you from your work and pull you back into your past relationship. Additionally, allowing yourself to think about that person might lead you to thoughts that help clarify the relationship (and make it easier to end it).

• The less you resist the truth that your ex still exists in your life, the better. Sharing a workplace means you have to accept their presence and the inevitable feelings you may encounter when you meet them regularly. Let this emotion fade naturally rather than forcing yourself to forget about them. Trying to eliminate these thoughts will only build up negative aggression, sadness, and your feelings will become even more intense at unexpected times.
• Just because you allow yourself to process the emotions related to your ex does NOT mean you need to share them at work. You can write them down in a journal, and if you need to talk about your issues, seek conversations with friends or family members who don’t work with you.

Focus on your own goals. Write a journal, outline career-related objectives, and start small by thinking of ways to improve work efficiency each day. Gradually, expand your goals to a monthly target, then for your company, etc. Remember to include how your career goals contribute to what you desire in life (such as joy, physical health, or stress relief). By establishing this connection, you’ll notice the link between career goals and personal happiness. This new perspective will motivate you to dedicate more time to your work, helping to nurture your sense of purpose.

Seek help. Even if you occasionally chat with your ex, remember that you should NOT call them in moments of desperation. Since they are close to you, you may feel like calling them to vent about a bad day or share exciting news about an achievement or opportunity. However, you should reserve these moments for someone with whom you have a deeper relationship.

• Continuing to let your ex occupy space in your life will only bind you to them more than necessary when trying to build a successful professional relationship. It will make you feel dependent on their presence, both in the office and outside. The key is to face your ex but always remember that they no longer serve the same purpose in your life as they did when you were in a romantic relationship. Instead, entrust that role to others (a confidant, someone who can help with technical issues your ex used to solve) to maintain strength and support during times of stress or excitement.

Focus on the present. Especially during tough times, it's easy to idealize your past relationship with your ex. No matter how much you've moved on, our instincts will often search for comfort and temporary hope. Practicing mindfulness will help you stay grounded in the present moment, diverting your mind from idealizing the past you shared with that person.

• Continuously remind yourself that everything between you has changed by focusing on what’s happening right now. Is your ex presenting in a meeting? Acknowledge that your attention is shifting from work to their beautiful eyes and past memories. Then, refocus on the task at hand without judging yourself for drifting off. It may also help to collaborate closely with a dedicated colleague who can help you stay “laser-focused” on the work at hand.

Set clear boundaries at work. Take the first opportunity to address the situation and your past relationship's role in the workplace. Have this conversation in a private setting, away from curious colleagues, ideally outside of the office. Let your ex know that you do not wish to bring past issues into the workplace. Make a positive impression by emphasizing how important a sincere relationship is to your work and your well-being. By maintaining politeness and respect from the very start, your ex will respond accordingly. Try to reach an agreement on the following:

• How to communicate with colleagues together.
• Whether to collaborate closely on a project or avoid it.
• Not bringing personal issues into the office.
• Being open to resolving issues outside of work hours, if needed.
  • However, situations at work may require you to remain flexible, especially when you unexpectedly encounter your ex in the hallway. Some factors, like the boundaries between you during office interactions, are within your control, but others, like how often you meet them, are not.

Express the space you need. If you feel the need to distance yourself from the closeness you’re maintaining for the moment, don’t hesitate to do so. Give yourself the same respect you would offer to anyone else in a difficult situation. While you may discuss the need to maintain distance with your ex, you are the one in charge of directing the situation and acting as you see fit. This includes being clear about your intentions with everyone involved. By expressing your desire for space, others won’t be left to speculate or gossip about what’s going on.

• For example, if a colleague invites you out after work and you know your ex will be attending as well, rather than seizing the opportunity to let everyone know you don’t want to be near them, kindly let them know you prefer some personal space. Remind yourself that this need for distance won’t last forever.

Pay attention to your body language. Unsure how to act with your ex and colleagues? Your posture, attitude, and gestures in front of others will clearly signal discomfort or awkwardness. By paying attention to your body language, you can reflect how others perceive you and adjust accordingly.

• For example, if you’re discussing a work-related matter with your ex, you might notice that you avoid making eye contact or start fidgeting. Both of these actions send signals that you’re not comfortable with the situation. In these moments, you can 'pretend' and adjust your body language to make both yourself and your ex more at ease.
• If you recognize that your body language frequently signals anxiety or discomfort, spend more time reflecting on your emotions. While adjusting your body language during interactions is a good way to cope, it could lead to deeper issues that might need to be addressed outside of work hours.

Talk about differences. Even if you and your ex have agreed to maintain a friendly work environment, issues may still arise that bring back old frustrations. In such cases, you can speak with them privately to express what you don't like. Remember to focus on expressing your feelings rather than criticizing or judging your ex. Depending on the scope and urgency of the issue, the two of you may need to discuss it after work or arrange more space between you.

• Before initiating a conversation, think carefully about whether this is a matter you can resolve on your own. The basic rule is to address issues only when you have a clear and reasonable request to make. For instance, if you want your ex to respect your personal space and not enter your office unannounced, this would mean your need for distance isn’t being met, and you have the right to bring it up. If you cannot make a reasonable request (such as asking your ex to 'stop being a jerk'), you might just be looking to vent your frustration.
• If you decide to discuss an issue with your ex, remember to behave professionally, purposefully, and realistically about your role in the matter.

End the 'playing dirty' behavior. Is your ex trying to sabotage you at work, like spreading embarrassing rumors or hiding deadlines? Do the right thing and provide an opportunity to clarify the relationship and breakup.

• It may be uncomfortable, but identifying the root cause will show your ex that there are better ways to handle their frustration than mistreating you. Since they are the ones who need this closure, not you, be open to acknowledging things you typically avoid. The goal here is to stop the workplace sabotage, not to express your deep emotions.
• Discussing financial matters at work can be awkward. So, if your ex starts talking to you (or is about to discuss) salary raises or bonuses, avoid engaging by staying silent or showing indifference to the topic. Don't give them the satisfaction of trying to 'outdo' you.

Know when enough is enough. Another option to handle a highly upset ex is to meet privately with your superior and present evidence of harassment in the workplace. Keep in mind that while this choice allows you to continue with your work, it might temporarily damage your reputation.

Separate work life from personal life. Working in the same company as your ex means you also need to be mindful of your other relationships at work. If you're interested in flirting with other colleagues, consider the chaos this could add to the situation, introducing jealousy and disdain.

• To evaluate whether your current actions will trigger excessive negativity between you and your ex, think about how you'd feel if you were in their shoes. Wouldn’t you dislike seeing your ex leave with a colleague they're attracted to? Avoid engaging in similar actions to maintain the peace and ensure everything goes smoothly.
• What about sharing an elevator with your ex? Not all friendly conversations should revolve around your perfect personal life outside of work. Instead, discuss work-related challenges or share playful jokes about mutual colleagues.

Don't bring emotions into your professional relationship. If you and your ex are working on a project together, avoid bringing up guilt or blaming each other for the past. Remember to focus on your decisions and actions, and ask yourself whether lingering emotions are helping to motivate you or if it’s the nature of the work itself. Treat your career aspirations as your sole passion and ensure that every decision you make keeps you on track.

• For instance, if your ex is making coffee for everyone and brings you the perfect cup just the way you like it, simply smile politely, thank them, and let them know you’re not seeking any special treatment. While it's a kind gesture, avoid rekindling past behaviors from when you were together.

Rely on your colleagues. Avoid depending too much on your ex, and remember that there are others who can support you at work. This doesn't mean seeking someone to vent to every time you're bothered by seeing them. Regularly connect with those you can talk to about work-related matters, and the more you distance yourself from your ex, the better. Find someone with a similar sense of humor or even someone who shares similar career goals. After all, this is what you should be focusing on as you pursue your career.

Don't involve your colleagues in your remaining pain. Misery attracts attention, and revealing to others that you're struggling with your ex will turn the issue into office gossip. Some coworkers may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed by your situation and may start distancing themselves from you. It's best not to disclose personal matters and share them only with a support system outside your company. This way, you can prevent people from turning your life into an emotional drama at work.

• This doesn't mean you need to hide your past, but avoid making it an open topic. If you feel the need to mention that you've had a relationship, make it clear that it ended, and you don't wish to discuss further details. Let everyone know you want to be left alone and that this is not a topic for conversation.

Stay on topic with work-related matters. The best part of working with your ex in the same company is that it can motivate you to put all your effort into your work. If you find yourself drifting into memories of your time together or getting nostalgic for certain qualities, remind yourself to take time outside of work to deal with any feelings that keep popping up in your mind. You don’t need to suppress thoughts of them, but you should ensure you set aside other moments to reflect on your feelings and appreciate the past.

• Avoid sensitive topics. Since it’s hard to predict what might trigger different emotions around your breakup, it’s best to keep away from sensitive subjects. At least in the beginning, avoid talking about relationships, breakups, or past experiences that you both shared.

Boost your social life outside of work. The new stress of working with your ex might drive you to engage more in outside activities and build connections beyond work. Don't hesitate to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while or turn it into a chance to meet up at a bar. When you’re satisfied with your social life in general, you’ll be less inclined to bring it into work or view your job as an opportunity to spend meaningful time with others.

• Be patient. It will take longer than you think to change your feelings toward someone you care about. Focus on the gradual shift in your emotions and listen to advice from others on how to manage yourself at work.