Buzz
When it comes to relationships, it's surprising how common arguments can be. It's rare for two people to always agree on everything, if not impossible. However, if you're just beginning to date and already having disagreements, you might feel it's a bit too soon. This article will help you understand relationship conflicts better. We have some information about the time frame when serious differences may begin to appear (it might happen sooner than you think) and some tips on how to argue in a healthy way. If you're worried about conflict in your relationship, we also have a list of red flags to watch out for.
Steps
Is it normal for couples to argue frequently right at the start of their relationship?
Some conflicts are normal and may not be a bad sign. Most couples, if not all, argue at some point. If disagreements happen earlier than you expected, it might just be because both individuals are confident and have strong opinions (which are positive traits). As long as both are empathetic and understanding, early arguments are not necessarily a bad sign.
- On the other hand, if you and your partner insult or mistreat each other, or if your arguments involve serious issues like cheating or lying, this may be a red flag.
When do couples typically start arguing?
Couples often begin to argue after the honeymoon phase ends. While every couple is different, this phase generally lasts from 3 months to 2 years. During the honeymoon period, dopamine and oxytocin levels in the brain of those in love are typically higher. These chemicals are responsible for creating the passionate feelings we associate with love. As two people become more familiar with each other, this intensity may fade, and differences will begin to surface.
- If your first argument happens before 3 months of dating, it doesn't mean your relationship is on the brink. Just make sure both of you are actively listening, understanding each other’s perspectives, and working towards solutions.
When do couples usually start fighting?
You may begin to notice things about your partner that you don't like. During the honeymoon phase, it's easy to overlook your partner’s flaws. Even when you notice differences, you might brush them off (after all, they’re charming, funny, and smart—why focus on the fact that they leave things scattered around?). After the first disagreement, you realize that your partner is human, with strengths and weaknesses like anyone else.
- If their flaws aren’t too severe, it’s better to let it slide and focus on their positive qualities. Remind yourself that you're not perfect either and learn to accept them as they are.
- If their flaws are serious (such as reluctance to commit or lying about big matters), you need to have a constructive conversation to see if they are willing to change their behavior.
- You could say, “I understand that you're still friends with your ex, but I would appreciate it if you’re honest with me whenever you meet up with them.”
You might feel more at ease if you both become more open with each other from now on. When you first start dating, you're still getting to know each other, so you might hesitate to express your worries or set boundaries for fear of scaring them off. After the first argument, both of you realize that conflicts can be resolved and you still want to stay together. This understanding will make it easier for you to be yourself and openly express your needs.
- Be open and straightforward about boundaries and needs in the relationship, even if you’ve only been dating for a few months. The early stages are a great opportunity to establish what works for you and what doesn’t.
- You might say, “Sometimes I’m a bit sensitive. It's really important to me that if we ever disagree, we don't yell or shout at each other.”
- If you wait too long to voice your concerns, it can harm the relationship even more than an argument, leading to resentment and misunderstandings.
Bạn sẽ học được cách xử lý xung đột. Mỗi người có cách dàn xếp bất đồng khác nhau. Cuộc tranh cãi đầu tiên có thể là một dịp để bạn biết bạn và nửa kia của mình tranh cãi như thế nào, và hai bên có học được gì trong việc này không.
- Có thể bạn nhận mình không thể lắng nghe đối phương khi đang tức giận chẳng hạn. Thay vì tự trách mình, bạn hãy xem đây là một kinh nghiệm giúp bạn trưởng thành hơn và từ giờ trở đi sẽ học cách lắng nghe người yêu.
- Hãy cân nhắc nói chuyện với người yêu về trận cãi nhau vừa qua sau khi cả hai đã nguội bớt. Bạn có thể nói “Em xin lỗi vì vừa rồi em có hơi gay gắt. Lần sau nếu không đồng ý với nhau chuyện gì thì em sẽ cố gắng giữ bình tĩnh.”
Làm sao để cãi nhau một cách lành mạnh?
Nhìn sự việc dưới góc độ của đối phương. Cho dù hai bên có bất đồng, bạn hãy cố gắng đặt mình vào vị trí của người kia. Xem xét những gì người yêu nói dưới góc độ của họ và cho họ biết rằng bạn tôn trọng quan điểm của họ.
- "Anh hơi buồn vì em không mời anh cùng đi xem bộ phim đó với em, nhưng anh hiểu là em cần có thời gian dành riêng cho mình."
- "Em hiểu là anh bực bội khi em không trả lời tin nhắn của anh. Nếu là em thì em cũng cảm thấy như vậy.”
Lắng nghe những gì người yêu bạn nói. Tắt điện thoại và hoàn toàn chú tâm vào họ khi hai bên đang cố gắng giải quyết bất đồng. Thay vì tập trung suy nghĩ mình sẽ phản hồi như thế nào, bạn hãy chú tâm nghe đối phương nói và những điều họ chia sẻ với bạn. Để làm rõ ý của họ, bạn hãy thử nhắc lại bằng lời của bạn. Điều này có thể giúp bạn tránh hiểu lầm và chứng tỏ rằng bạn đang cố gắng hiểu suy nghĩ của họ cho dù hai người không có cùng quan điểm.
- "Anh hiểu rồi. Lẽ ra anh phải cố gắng nghĩ ra nhiều ý tưởng hẹn hò hơn.”
- "Em hiểu là anh bực mình vì em tốn quá nhiều thời gian cho điện thoại."
Nếu bạn không hiểu ý người yêu nói gì thì hãy hỏi lại họ. Như vậy, đối phương sẽ thấy bạn cố gắng nhìn sự việc từ góc độ của họ. Điều này cũng có thể giúp bạn hiểu thêm về người yêu để tránh những bất đồng trong tương lai.
- "Anh biết là em giận vì anh không dành đủ thời gian dành cho em. Bây giờ anh có thể làm gì cho em vui hơn?”
- "Có chuyện này em không hiểu. Có phải em đã nói gì làm anh giận không?”
Pause the argument when both of you start to get heated. Imagine that after a while of back-and-forth, both of you become more and more frustrated. In this situation, try to stay calm and tell your partner that you need a break. Step away for a few minutes or let them know you'll continue the conversation later. This can help both of you avoid saying things you might regret, and it also gives you time to cool off.
- "I want to work through this with you, but I think we both need a break to calm down first."
- "Right now, I can't express how I'm feeling. I need a few minutes to think before we continue our conversation."
Find a compromise. To move past a disagreement, you need to find a solution that works for both of you. Each person should express their needs in order to feel more comfortable, and then make plans for change moving forward. This way, both of you can reconnect happily and harmoniously.
- Maybe your partner enjoys texting every day, but you don’t like spending much time on your phone. You could agree to text each other once or twice a day.
- Perhaps you're frustrated because you're always the one paying when you go out. You and your partner could agree to either split the costs or take turns paying for each outing.
Apologize when necessary. Everyone makes mistakes, so if an argument happened because of something you did, don't be too hard on yourself. Sincerely apologize to your partner, promise to change, and forgive yourself.
- "I'm sorry for forgetting to pick you up from work. I was really forgetful today, but I can't use that as an excuse. I’ll definitely remember next time."
Learn to forgive if you want to move forward. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you want to keep your relationship going, you need to forgive your partner. However, if they've made a serious mistake or hurt you deeply, it’s okay to take time to think about it.
- If you're struggling to forgive, try to see the situation from their perspective or remind yourself of a time when you also made a mistake. This may help you forgive more easily.
- Alternatively, you may decide you can't forgive them for what they did. In this case, it might be time to end the relationship. It will hurt, but remember there are other people who will treat you better.
Red flags to watch out for
Conflicts about important aspects such as core values. Values can include the level of commitment you expect in the relationship, political and religious views, or beliefs about social issues like marriage. While it is possible to date someone with different beliefs, conflicts due to fundamental differences that arise early on may signal that you and your partner aren't a good match.
- Perhaps one of you wants a monogamous relationship, but the other prefers an open relationship. This conflict over such an issue reveals that you two are not aligned in your goals.
- It’s also possible that you could work through the differences with empathy and compromise. However, ensure that neither of you sacrifices core values or needs just to keep the relationship intact.
Disagreements about your shared future. Basic differing ideas about the future of your relationship that surface early on are unlikely to change. While you may grow more mature and realize you want a serious relationship, it’s best to date someone who fits your vision for the future now, not someone you hope will change into what you want.
- Maybe your partner wants children, but you don't want to start a family.
- Perhaps you plan to move to a different city, but your partner is content staying where you are.
Serious issues like infidelity or dishonesty. We all make mistakes, but these issues are red flags when they occur early in a relationship. If you or your partner find it difficult to remain faithful or honest, it indicates that the relationship may not be built on a solid foundation.
- Whether or not to forgive is entirely up to you. Some couples manage to overcome infidelity and their relationship becomes even stronger.
- If you've forgiven your partner, but the issue happens again, it might be time to consider ending the relationship.
Frequent criticism, mistreatment, or abuse. Emotional and physical abuse at the beginning of a relationship is a serious red flag, and it’s likely to get worse over time. If your partner belittles you, disregards your boundaries, threatens you, or physically hurts you, it’s time to end the relationship. Warning signs of abuse include:
- Belittling you and making you feel like nothing you do is right
- Excessive jealousy or attempts to isolate you from friends and family
- Lying, manipulating, and using tactics to control you
- Forcing you into sexual activities or actions you’re uncomfortable with
- Threatening or physically harming you in any way
Advice
- If the two of you seem unable to find a solution but still want to be together, consider seeking the help of a relationship, marriage, and family counselor. They can assist you in resolving issues and provide effective communication strategies.
