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How to identify resentment and find a way forward
It feels like just yesterday your child was eager to spend every moment with you, sharing their every thought and experience. But now, it seems like they can barely stand to be around you — and you're wondering if there's something more beneath the surface, perhaps resentment. Resentment is the feeling of anger or disappointment over past events, especially when someone repeatedly relives their frustrations. If your child is holding onto resentment, often triggered by perceived unfairness or imbalance, we’re here to help you understand the situation and guide you toward a better way forward.
Key Points to Keep in Mind
- If your child avoids spending time with you, shows a lack of respect, and gets irritated when you ask for help, it may indicate resentment.
- Resentment in children can stem from unresolved trauma or unmet emotional needs from their past.
- If you suspect your child harbors resentment, initiate an open conversation and truly listen to their concerns with an empathetic mind.
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Signs That Your Child May Be Resentful Toward You
They avoid spending time with you. Spending quality time together is crucial for maintaining a strong bond with your child. If your child seems distant and reluctant to be around you, it might be a sign that they are upset or hurt by something you've done. When every interaction feels tense or frustrating, they may be distancing themselves because you trigger painful emotions.
- Typically, adult children start to become more independent after the age of 25, but they will still visit for holidays or special occasions. They may also reach out occasionally to check on their parents.
They avoid discussions about their childhood. If your adult child holds resentment toward you, it could be tied to their childhood memories. Younger generations often interpret their experiences with family differently than previous generations. What was once considered normal behavior may now be seen as harmful, neglectful, or even abusive.
- If your child confides that they have experienced abuse or trauma, take their words seriously. Acknowledge their feelings and listen to what they wish to share with you.
They seem frustrated when you ask for something. It's common for older children to feel resentful of the caretaking role. This shift can feel like an imbalance of responsibility. While your child still loves you, they might not feel the deep connection necessary to empathize and treat you with the same compassion they once did.
They frequently bring up past arguments. Resentment often arises from unresolved conflicts. If your child constantly references old arguments, it indicates that they haven't fully forgiven you, and the issue remains unresolved.
- Even if the disagreement seems trivial to you, respecting your child's emotions and acknowledging their perspective will help improve your relationship.
They squint at you while you’re speaking. The muscles around the eyes tighten when we're skeptical or doubtful. If you notice your child squinting at you, it could be a sign that something you’re saying conflicts with their beliefs. Consider what types of discussions trigger this reaction from your child.
- Another sign of anger is gritting teeth or a clenched jaw, indicating frustration or irritation.
You feel a lack of mutual respect. If your child is carrying resentment, they may have a negative view of your decisions. Respect is essential for any healthy relationship, even if you don't always agree. A lack of respect can be addressed through empathetic conversations. However, it is unacceptable if your child expresses their feelings by belittling or hurting you.
They don’t accept you as you are. A child who resents their parents often rejects traits that they associate with them. Whether it's your identity, interests, or dislikes, your child may gravitate toward the opposite. This resentment casts a shadow over your entire being, not just your role as their parent.
- At times, you may also struggle to accept who your adult child has become. The best approach is to support your child as they discover their own path, even if their choices don’t align with your values.
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Initiate a conversation with your child. Open communication is key to understanding one another. If you want to address tough emotions like resentment, ask your child to sit down and talk at a specific time and place. Set clear expectations for the conversation, reflect on your own assumptions, and be open to the possibility of having made mistakes.
- You could say, “I’ve noticed a change in your mood and interactions with me lately. Can we talk about this after you’re done with school/work?”
- Start with “I felt” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when we didn’t talk today.”
Forgive both yourself and your child. The remedy for resentment is forgiveness. True forgiveness is more than just words; it’s a deep, internal shift in how you view a situation. Even if you’ve made poor decisions before, dwelling solely on past mistakes will prevent progress.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing hurtful actions. You must take responsibility for your own behavior, accept it, and move forward without blaming others.
- When you forgive, you make the conscious choice to release negative emotions toward someone, regardless of whether they deserve it or not.
Make an effort to rebuild if both you and your child desire a better relationship. Respect the boundaries your adult child sets. You can establish your own boundaries too. Listen attentively to each other, and when conflicts arise, treat them as threats to your relationship, not personal attacks.
- Pick up shared hobbies, such as learning pickleball or trying a new craft like pottery, to engage as equals.
- Communicate often. Reach out by email, text, or voicemail—even if they don’t always respond. It shows you care and are thinking of them.
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Honor your child’s desire for space if they request it. There are times when adult children may choose to distance themselves from their parents. If this happens, it’s important to respond calmly rather than reactively. If they ask for no contact, it's essential to respect their decision, as disregarding it could prolong the estrangement. Estrangement often indicates an issue that needs understanding and resolution.
- The average duration of estrangement is about 9 years, although many are resolved in under 5 years. The way you handle the situation and use the time apart will significantly influence the outcome.
- Consider focusing on personal growth during this time. Therapy and self-reflection can help you process your emotions.
- If you feel lonely, joining a club or community group may provide the social support you need.
If your child’s resentment escalates to abuse, walk away. Abuse is never acceptable. If your child disrespects you, belittles you, or inflicts harm, either physically or emotionally, it may be time to remove them from your life to ensure your safety.
- Grief often accompanies the end of this type of relationship. Many parents feel deep regret over losing the bond, history, and family connection.
- Keep a written record of the reasons why continuing the relationship is no longer viable. This can provide clarity when you experience doubts about your decision.
- Seek support from other family members or friends to help process your emotions, and invest time in hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Reasons Children May Harbor Resentment Toward Their Parents
They have endured emotional abuse within the family. Emotional abuse is a leading cause of estrangement between parents and children. This type of abuse may involve manipulation and intimidation, and describes any relationship where one person diminishes the other’s sense of importance or respect.
They have specific expectations for the parent-child dynamic. Many adult children expect to be treated by their parents with the same respect and empathy that they would offer any other family member. Perhaps you were raised to view your parents as authority figures who never offered apologies, but this may not be the norm today.
They have been impacted by their parents’ own trauma. Children are deeply affected by their parents' struggles. If you went through a difficult event with your child, both of you may have experienced lasting emotional and psychological consequences. Your child was dependent on you during that time, and you may have failed to recognize or address their emotional responses and needs.
They have experienced trauma themselves. Your child may hold you responsible for certain traumatic events in their life. Children can heal from trauma if they feel supported and safe within their families. However, if they didn’t feel that protection, they may come to realize as adults that you were expected to do more to help them.
- Trauma can encompass abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional), neglect, natural disasters, witnessing harm to a loved one, separation from family members, or poverty.
Their personality doesn't align with that of their parents. When there’s a disconnect, it can become challenging to understand one another. If you and your adult child frequently disagree on various issues, whether it’s politics or your favorite TV shows, it can erode any sense of camaraderie that might have once made your relationship easier to navigate.
