Buzz
Show your narcissistic ex exactly what they’re missing, and they’ll be the ones pleading for you to take them back.
If you’ve ever been with someone who thrives on admiration, craves attention, and shows little empathy, you’ve likely encountered a narcissist. While it’s often best to walk away, we understand if you want them back. This guide will show you how to make them realize what they’ve lost and make them come crawling back. Just remember, not everyone who displays narcissistic traits has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which can only be diagnosed by a therapist. Also, having NPD doesn’t automatically mean a person is toxic or abusive.
Important Points to Consider
- Get your ex to crave your attention by ignoring them completely and acting indifferent – they’ll long for your validation.
- When they see you flourishing, they'll grow insecure. So, date other people, focus on your passions and career, and show them that you're thriving and happy.
- After taking time to distance yourself, draw them back in by stroking their ego: compliment them and take responsibility for the breakup.
Actionable Steps
Give them the cold shoulder.
By shutting them out, you send a powerful message that you’re no longer under their influence. After the breakup, your ex might expect you to chase them or constantly be at their beck and call. But by ignoring their attempts to contact you—whether calls or texts—you make it clear they no longer control your attention. The longer you stay silent, the more anxious they’ll become, worrying that they've truly lost you.
- If they bombard you with messages, consider blocking their number.
Flood your social media with pictures.
Let your ex see just how amazing your life is without them by posting about it online. Social media is often a platform where people look for validation. If you know your ex is lurking online, use this to your advantage. Whether you’re hanging out with friends or having an adventure, share photos to let them know you’re living your best life without their presence.
- Many narcissistic individuals expect you to wallow in sadness after a breakup. By showing indifference and enjoying yourself, you’ll leave them fuming.
Spend time with your friends.
Spend time with others to show your ex that you no longer rely on them. If your ex tried to keep you away from your friends or isolate you in any way, seeing you reconnect with your social circle will hit them hard. Enjoy quality time with loved ones and have fun, proving that you can live a fulfilling life without their presence.
- Additionally, leaning on your support system is an excellent way to heal after a difficult breakup.
Start seeing new people.
Insecure individuals often feel uneasy when they witness someone else’s happiness. If you truly want to make your ex uncomfortable, get back into the dating scene. You don’t have to dive into a serious relationship if you’re not ready, but expect your ex to get jealous and probably try to win you back.
- If your ex is overly self-centered, they’ll want you to obsess over them just like they do themselves. By dating someone new, you’re showing them that you’re capable of moving on.
Clearly signal that your relationship is over.
Make them believe they’ve lost you forever. If there’s one thing controlling individuals hate, it’s the idea of losing their influence over someone. If the breakup was mutual, make sure your ex knows that you won’t change your mind just because they now regret it.
- “We’re not together anymore, remember? You’ll have to find someone else to help you.”
- “Sorry, I’m swamped. Plus, we’re not dating anymore.”
Keep your emotions in check around them.
If your ex tries to provoke you, don’t let them succeed. Your ex might insult you or spread false rumors to get a reaction out of you. The best way to stop them from manipulating you is to remain composed and show no emotional response. It can be challenging, so try taking deep breaths and counting to 10 whenever you feel anger or frustration rising.
- A helpful technique to stay calm is the gray rock method. This involves responding in a boring, neutral manner, such as saying “Uh-huh” or “Okay” in a flat tone.
Set firm boundaries.
Enforcing your boundaries sends a clear message that they no longer have control over you. If you were with a manipulative or controlling person, they might have walked all over you in the past. It’s time to make it clear that you won’t tolerate that anymore. Set firm boundaries and enforce them consistently. Since the relationship is over, you can tell them to limit their contact with you or only reach out when absolutely necessary.
- “We’re not together anymore, so I’ll only respond to your messages if it’s urgent. Please stop texting me daily.”
- “Don’t call me during work hours. If you keep calling me while I’m working, I’ll have to block your number.”
Stop craving their approval.
People with fragile egos crave your constant validation. Self-centered individuals often try to make others feel inferior to boost their own self-worth. When you stop seeking their approval, they’ll panic, fearing they’ve lost their influence over you for good. If they try to criticize you or undermine your choices, let it roll off your back and act unfazed.
- Use neutral responses like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or, “I don’t need your opinion,” to quickly shut them down.
- To permanently stop seeking their approval, focus on your own value. Practice positive affirmations like, “I deserve happiness,” or, “I’m enough just as I am.”
Focus on self-improvement.
Make personal growth your priority to show your ex that you’re resilient. Toxic people often expect you to fall apart after they leave, thinking you can’t survive without them. Prove them wrong by immersing yourself in your passions, hobbies, and career. By showing them you’re thriving without them, they’ll soon want you back.
- Show off your progress on social media or tell mutual friends about the positive changes in your life.
Give them compliments.
Flatter their ego to draw them back in. It may seem strange to compliment the ex you're trying to make jealous, but for someone with a massive ego, this is the perfect way to remind them of what they're missing. After you’ve spent some time ignoring them and living your own life, reach out with a few kind words. They won’t be able to resist your charm.
- “Hey, it’s been a while! How’ve you been? I saw that picture you posted on Instagram—you look fantastic.”
- “Hey, how’s everything? I saw you completed that certificate you were working on—congrats!”
Take responsibility for the breakup.
To win them back, you may need to accept responsibility for the situation. Keep in mind that many self-centered individuals struggle to admit when they’re at fault. If you’re talking to your ex and truly want to reconcile, let them believe that you’re the one who made the mistakes, not them.
- “I should’ve thought things through before ending things. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
- “I know I messed up. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
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Remember, not everyone with NPD is abusive, and many individuals with clinical NPD can manage their behaviors through therapy and/or medication.
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Similarly, not all abusers have NPD. Ultimately, whether or not your ex has clinical NPD, if they’ve hurt you, they’ve hurt you—and you’re likely better off without them.
Important Warnings
- Reuniting with your ex isn’t advisable if the relationship was toxic or abusive. If you’re in an abusive situation and need assistance, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
