Buzz
As individuals grow older, they may experience a decline in their ability to control their thoughts, leading to comments that are inappropriate, offensive, or shocking. Interacting with a family member who lacks a verbal filter can be awkward, irritating, and occasionally painful. You may find it difficult to know how to react or manage their behavior. When you're with them, try to divert their focus or change the subject. Avoid taking their words to heart if they say something offensive or extreme. If you suspect their behavior might be linked to health or cognitive changes, consult a doctor.
Steps to Follow
Handling the Situation with Care and Sensitivity
Address the comments tactfully. Hearing a relative make an inappropriate or shocking remark can be startling. When they lose their verbal filter, avoid reacting with surprise, anger, or mockery. Politely inform them that their behavior is unacceptable and then move on. There’s no need to revisit the incident after it’s been addressed in the moment.
- For instance, you could say, “It’s not okay to talk about people like that. We don’t use such language.”
- Sometimes, it might be best to overlook the remark entirely and not respond. However, this approach may not work well for someone experiencing cognitive decline.
Steer them away gently. If the situation becomes awkward, calmly guide your relative to a different location. Speak to them in a composed and straightforward manner as you move. You can also anticipate scenarios that might trigger their inappropriate remarks and proactively divert their attention before they notice something or someone.
- If you’re aware that your relative tends to make inappropriate comments in specific settings, such as large gatherings or around children, lead them away beforehand to avoid any issues.
- For instance, if your relative makes a racist comment at the grocery store, guide them to another aisle or leave the store entirely.
Take a short breather. If the stress of managing your older relative becomes overwhelming, step away briefly to calm down. Go for a walk or step outside to get some fresh air. If you’re feeling frustrated or need a moment to collect yourself, temporarily remove yourself from the situation.
- Excuse yourself and go to another room. You might even prepare a snack to give yourself a reason to step away and return later.
Address bystanders. Relatives often make inappropriate remarks when others are present. How you handle the situation is your choice. You can apologize on their behalf (“I’m sorry for my aunt’s comment”), explain the situation (“My grandmother sometimes says inappropriate things because of her dementia”), or use humor to diffuse it (“Guess all those times I embarrassed my uncle as a kid are coming back to haunt me!”). Whatever approach you take, consider what your relative would prefer.
- For example, if your relative values privacy, they might not want you discussing their condition with strangers. On the other hand, if they enjoy humor, you might handle the situation with a lighthearted response in public.
Employing Distraction and Redirection Techniques
Shift their focus. If your relative is fixated on saying something offensive or inappropriate, redirect their attention to something else. Change the topic or draw their interest to another subject. Bring up photos or introduce a topic they enjoy. Use humor or tell a joke to lighten the mood.
- Say, “Let’s move on and look at pictures of the grandchildren instead.”
- Alternatively, say, “I heard a funny joke recently. Would you like to hear it?”
Engage their senses. Redirecting attention can sometimes be achieved through physical touch or sensory stimulation. If your relative is shouting, yelling, or screaming, they might be struggling to express discomfort or pain. A gentle touch can help soothe them and make them feel secure.
- Offer a small treat, like a piece of candy they enjoy, to provide comfort and distraction.
- Incorporate calming scents, such as lavender or rose oil, using an oil diffuser to create a relaxing environment.
- Use soft colors and dim lighting in their room to foster a peaceful atmosphere.
Engage them in a familiar task. Encourage your relative to participate in an activity they can do independently and feel confident about, such as coloring or playing with a pet. Choose something they recognize and enjoy, avoiding anything new or complex.
- Suggest, “Let’s go for a walk. Would you like to join?” or “Can you help me put the dishes away?”
- In private, give them a soft object, like a stuffed animal or a plush ball, to hold or toss. This can shift their focus away from inappropriate remarks.
- In public, steer the conversation toward a topic they love. For example, ask, “What dessert should we bake when we get home?”
Addressing Persistent Issues
Consult a healthcare professional. Unusual behaviors may stem from underlying health conditions or medication side effects. Schedule a visit with a doctor to rule out any medical causes influencing their actions.
- Inform the doctor about the changes in your relative’s behavior, how long they’ve been occurring, and any potential links to their health.
- Behavioral and personality changes can sometimes indicate Alzheimer’s or dementia. Watch for additional signs like memory loss, difficulty solving problems, confusion about time or place, and mood swings.
Recognize warning signs. To ensure your elderly loved one’s safety, be alert to behaviors that may require professional intervention. Key indicators include:
- Changes in body language. Observe shifts in posture, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, or physical proximity to others.
- Environmental triggers. Note if their behavior changes in specific settings or around certain people. Does removing them from the environment or introducing calming elements like scents or colors help?
- Unmet basic needs. Check if they are hungry, thirsty, in pain, or experiencing discomfort due to temperature.
- Behavioral changes post-diagnosis. If they have dementia or Alzheimer’s, compare their current communication and behavior to their baseline. Identify what has helped or worsened their condition.
Get professional assistance for concerning behaviors. If your relative’s actions escalate to a point where you feel uneasy or threatened, it’s crucial to seek help from a therapist or behavioral expert. When their words or actions turn abusive or hazardous, explore ways to ensure your safety and manage their anger. A home health nurse can be beneficial, as elderly individuals often behave more harshly with family than with strangers.
- A therapist can collaborate with you and your family to develop effective coping strategies.
Avoid taking it to heart. Your relative’s comments might cause embarrassment or pain, but remember their intent is likely not to hurt or humiliate you. Focus on the positives and minimize the negatives. If you feel overwhelmed, step away and take a break from the situation.
- If this behavior is new and uncharacteristic, remind yourself, “These words are hurtful, but they don’t reflect my relative’s true feelings toward me.”
Address the behavior directly. If your relative’s words or actions upset you, have an open conversation with them. Explain how their remarks are inappropriate or hurtful. For example, say, “When you speak to me that way, it hurts my feelings. Please avoid insulting me or the efforts I make for you.”
- If talking doesn’t resolve the issue, reduce the support you provide. This can convey the message, “Treat me with respect and kindness, and I’ll continue to assist you willingly.”
