Buzz
Discover effective ways to regain control from a narcissist
Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often use manipulation, flattery, threats, and other tactics to dominate others. If you’re dealing with such a person, you might wish to reverse the dynamic and take charge. While controlling someone else isn’t healthy, there are methods to improve your interactions with a narcissist. This article will guide you on setting boundaries, addressing harmful behaviors, and seeking support while managing a narcissistic individual in your life.
Handling a Narcissist
- Set clear boundaries to prevent them from overstepping.
- Enforce consequences when they disregard your limits, and stay consistent.
- Remain composed when they attempt to provoke you.
- Communicate using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
- Defuse tension by showing empathy and practicing active listening.
- Seek help from friends, support groups, or professionals if necessary.
- If you’re in danger or experiencing abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Steps to Take
Establishing Healthy Limits
Determine what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable. Reflect on past instances where your boundaries were crossed and identify what changes you’d like to see. This could involve their communication style, expectations, or overall treatment of you. List specific actions or words that have breached your boundaries. Examples of such violations include:
- Using derogatory names
- Making threats
- Raising their voice or yelling
- Holding you responsible for their issues
- Mocking or belittling you
- Insisting you fulfill their demands
- Lying and later denying it
Communicate your boundaries clearly but kindly. It’s crucial to articulate your needs directly to ensure clarity. However, when dealing with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits, avoid making demands and instead frame your boundaries as choices.
- For instance, you might say, “I value our time together, but I’ll have to leave if you use that name again.”
- Alternatively, “I appreciate your call, but I’ll need to end it if the yelling continues.” Maintain a calm and friendly tone.
- Avoid reacting with anger, such as saying, “You can’t speak to me like that! I’m leaving!” or “Stop yelling, or I’ll hang up!”
- Such forceful responses may escalate the situation with someone prone to narcissistic reactions.
Enforce consequences when boundaries are crossed. After clearly stating your boundary and its associated consequence, observe whether they respect it. If they violate it, immediately implement the consequence you outlined.
- For example, if you’ve warned them about leaving if they use a specific name and they repeat it, follow through by leaving.
- If you’ve stated you’ll hang up if they continue yelling and they persist, end the call.
- Ensure you act on the consequence promptly without hesitation, second warnings, or yielding to apologies or flattery.
Prepare for shifts in your relationship due to boundary-setting. As you consistently enforce boundaries, you may notice changes in their behavior or a decrease in their desire to interact with you. This indicates they recognize the shift in dynamics and can no longer manipulate you as easily. While this is positive, it may feel challenging initially.
- For instance, after setting boundaries regarding their tone, they might speak to you less or ignore you altogether.
- Even if the change is evident, avoid acknowledging any differences in their behavior or your relationship.
Reassess and strengthen your boundaries if they weaken. There may be moments when you fail to enforce your limits or when the person finds a loophole. When this occurs, take time to analyze the situation and determine how to better uphold your boundaries moving forward.
- For instance, if you’ve decided to leave the room when they insult or threaten you but didn’t follow through once, consider why this happened.
- Were you preoccupied? Did they manipulate you into staying? How can you ensure this doesn’t happen again?
- Remember, maintaining boundaries is a continuous process in your relationship. Stay consistent and enforce your limits regularly.
Handling Their Actions
Remain composed and don’t react to their provocations. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often make inflammatory remarks to provoke a reaction—don’t fall for it. Respond to their comments with calmness, and if you feel anger rising, pause, take a deep breath, or step away to regain composure before re-engaging.
- It’s completely acceptable to remove yourself from the situation if they’re being abusive. Whether they’re criticizing, blaming, insulting, threatening, or otherwise distressing you, you have every right to walk away.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK
Do you believe walking away is an effective strategy for dealing with narcissistic behavior?
18 total votes
This feature is coming soon! Thanks for your interest.
Thanks for answering our poll!
Take QuizExplore More Quizzes
Pay close attention when they speak. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often crave attention, so they may dominate conversations. Demonstrate active listening by engaging with them. Here are some ways to show you’re listening:
- Maintain eye contact while smiling and nodding.
- Use verbal cues like “Yes,” “I see,” or “Mmhmm” to encourage them.
- Ask clarifying questions, such as, “What did you mean when you mentioned having a tough day?”
Redirect their focus by discussing their interests. Narcissistic individuals enjoy talking about themselves, so steering the conversation toward their passions can help defuse tension. This is especially useful if they’re upset or arguing with you.
- For example, if they’re knowledgeable about cars, ask them a related question. If they pride themselves on financial expertise, seek their advice on money matters.
- Wait for a calm moment to engage them, such as after they’ve stopped sulking or giving you the silent treatment.
Express empathy to calm them down. While those with NPD may struggle to empathize with others, showing them empathy can help soothe their emotions. Acknowledge their feelings and show concern.
- For instance, say, “It must have been frustrating to wait so long for a ride.”
- Or ask, “You seem upset. What’s bothering you?”
- Remember, NPD is a complex mental health condition. While their behavior may seem egotistical or manipulative, it often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a lack of control over their empathy.
Don’t fuel their inflated self-image. Narcissistic individuals often project superiority to mask their insecurities. Avoid feeding this image by refraining from excessive compliments or engaging with their bragging. Redirect the conversation instead.
- For example, if they boast about their sales skills, respond with, “That’s great. By the way, any plans for the weekend?”
- While sincere compliments are fine, avoid overpraising them, as it can exacerbate their sense of superiority.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work
Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."
Express yourself using non-confrontational "I" statements. When conflicts arise with someone displaying narcissistic behavior, avoid direct criticism, as it may provoke defensiveness. Instead, frame your concerns as personal feelings rather than accusations.
- Using "I" language minimizes defensiveness and aggression, which are common reactions from narcissistic individuals. This approach gives you more control in conversations.
- For example, say, "I feel upset by what happened" instead of "You were careless and hurtful."
Verify their statements, as they may not always be truthful. Narcissistic individuals often lie to protect their self-image. If their stories seem inconsistent or exaggerated, seek additional perspectives to confirm their accuracy.
- For instance, if they portray themselves as the hero in a workplace story, ask others who were involved for their version of events.
Seeking Help & Support
Lean on friends and family for emotional support. Managing a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or exhibits narcissistic traits can be draining. If the person is a close contact, such as a family member or coworker, it can be particularly challenging. Share your experiences with trusted loved ones and ask for their support.
- For example, say, "I’m struggling with how Sarah has been acting. Can I reach out to you if I need to talk?"
- Avoid labeling someone as a narcissist without a professional diagnosis. Many people display narcissistic traits occasionally, but only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose NPD.
- Mislabeling someone can harm your relationship and perpetuate stigma around NPD.
Connect with others through support groups or online forums. If you need additional support beyond friends and family, consider joining a support group. You can find local groups or participate in online forums if no local options are available.
- Search mental health websites for local or online groups, or explore forums on platforms like Reddit.
Seek therapy to process your emotions. A therapist provides a safe space to discuss your relationships and offers strategies for interacting with narcissistic individuals. They can also help you manage your reactions to their behavior.
- Ask your doctor for recommendations, seek suggestions from loved ones, or search online to find a therapist.
Contact a domestic abuse hotline if you’re experiencing abuse. If the situation escalates to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, seek help immediately. Call a domestic abuse hotline or emergency services if you feel threatened or in danger.
- Abuse can take many forms, including physical (hitting, throwing objects), verbal/emotional (yelling, blaming, controlling behavior), or sexual (coercion or force). No form of abuse is acceptable. If you feel unsafe, reach out for assistance.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 405 Mytour readers who’ve experienced abuse, and 66% agreed that maintaining safe boundaries after leaving an abusive partner—such as blocking their number and social media—is crucial. [Take Poll]
-
Being around someone with narcissistic traits can be challenging, as they may undermine your self-esteem through blame or criticism. Focus on building your self-confidence to better handle their behavior.
-
In some cases, leaving the relationship may be necessary for your safety and mental well-being.
-
Remember, not everyone with NPD is abusive or toxic—and many abusive individuals don’t have NPD. Focus on their behavior and your responses to protect your mental health.
Warnings
- Attempting to control someone with narcissistic tendencies is often ineffective, as they tend to dominate situations themselves. Instead, concentrate on managing your own responses, such as practicing assertiveness.
