Buzz
Craving a break from the office? Faking an illness can be a handy way to snag a day at home. Start by showing mild symptoms a couple of days before your intended day off. As it gets closer, act more fatigued and moody to sell the illusion. On the morning of your ‘sick day,’ inform your boss that you’re feeling unwell. Just don’t make a habit of it, or your cover might be blown. And remember, in times of serious health emergencies like the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s best to stay honest and responsible.
Instructions
Simulating Illness at the Office
Start feigning symptoms 1–2 days ahead of your planned absence. Since most illnesses build up gradually, begin acting slightly under the weather early. Drop hints to your coworkers about minor discomfort—maybe a sore throat or a queasy stomach. As the day progresses, look uneasy and slow your pace to give the impression that your health is declining.
Use mouth-breathing and frequent coughing to mimic flu symptoms. Typical signs of the flu include nasal congestion, coughing, chills, body aches, and tiredness. Avoid nasal breathing to give your voice a stuffed-up tone. Keep tissues on hand to fake frequent nose blowing. Cough or clear your throat every few minutes to mimic soreness.
- For a raspy voice, limit water intake before heading to work.
- Layer up with clothing—even if it's warm—to suggest chills and induce sweat, creating the illusion of a fever.
- The flu can stick around for up to two weeks, so be ready to keep up the act for more than just one day.
Apply petroleum jelly near your eyes to feign pink eye symptoms. Pink eye, or conjunctivitis, leads to redness, swelling, and discharge from the eyes. Rub your eyes lightly to enhance redness, then dab petroleum jelly under your lower lid with a cotton swab to create the look of watery or pus-filled eyes.
- Conjunctivitis can linger for up to two weeks, so plan to sustain your symptoms a while longer.
- Keep the jelly out of your eyes to avoid real irritation. Rinse immediately if contact occurs.
Massage your temples and react to light to simulate a migraine. Migraines are severe headaches that bring intense pain and heighten sensitivity to light and noise. To fake one, rub your forehead and temples, grimacing as if in discomfort. Squint and flinch when exposed to light to seem extra sensitive.
- Overreact to moderate sounds. If someone is loud, say something like, “Sorry, I’ve got a splitting headache. Could you lower your voice?”
- Act slightly distracted or inefficient at work to simulate migraine-related focus issues.
Clutch your stomach and make frequent bathroom trips to fake food poisoning. Food poisoning is caused by contaminated food and brings on nausea, cramps, and digestive distress. Hold your stomach throughout the day and periodically dash to the restroom as though you're battling vomiting or diarrhea.
- Since food poisoning typically lasts just one day, it's a good excuse if you want to leave work early.
Tip: To make fake vomiting more convincing, carry a cup of water into the bathroom and pour it into the toilet while making gagging noises.
Looking Sick Around Coworkers
Use makeup tricks to create a pale face and red nose. Illness often comes with a washed-out complexion, dark under-eyes, and a reddened nose. Apply dark brow pencil under your eyes and smudge it slightly for eye bags. Rub a bit of red lipstick into your nose for a runny look. Finish by applying pale foundation or powder to dull your skin tone.
- If you usually wear makeup, skip it on your sick day to add to your unwell appearance.
Act worn out as if you barely slept the night before. Illness drains your energy, making you look and feel tired. Rub your eyes occasionally and let out the occasional yawn to show fatigue. Don’t overdo it though—being too dramatic can backfire.
- If someone comments on how tired you seem, say something like, “I wasn’t feeling great and had trouble sleeping last night.”
Show signs of reduced concentration and sluggishness. When people are under the weather, their mental sharpness often dips. If someone speaks to you, ask them to repeat what they said, as if you’re having trouble focusing. Throughout the day, stare off absently and slow down your work pace to emphasize your ‘illness.’
- Say things like, “Sorry, I’m feeling a bit off. Can you repeat that?”
- Be careful not to ignore people completely—appearing rude can hurt the illusion.
Show a bit more moodiness than usual. People who are sick tend to be less upbeat. If you’re normally cheerful, tone it down. Stay quiet and maintain a neutral or irritated expression. Complain about small annoyances like squeaky furniture or faulty equipment. If someone points it out, apologize and blame it on not feeling well.
- For instance, if the printer jams, say, “This thing’s always broken! When is someone finally going to fix it?”
Warning: Acting cranky doesn’t give you a pass to be disrespectful. Keep your frustration in check—blowing up could land you in hot water with your boss.
Eat less to mimic having no appetite. When you’re feeling unwell, food often becomes unappealing. Order or bring your usual lunch so it doesn’t raise suspicion. Eat slowly, take tiny bites, and look uncomfortable as you chew. Rub your stomach or make a face like something didn’t sit well.
- To enhance the effect, act like you’re about to gag after a bite or when you smell strong food nearby.
Calling Out of Work
Let your boss know early so they can adjust plans. Call shortly after waking up—your morning voice naturally sounds rough, which helps sell your story. Don’t wait until right before your shift; it won’t give them enough time to manage your absence.
- If you’re lucky, your call might go to voicemail, letting you avoid a real conversation.
- Email is an option too, though it might come across as less convincing.
Say you’re contagious or that your symptoms would affect your performance. Speak slowly and sound tired to make your condition believable. Mention feeling unwell and emphasize that staying home is the best choice to avoid spreading it. Cough softly into the phone a few times while talking for added realism.
- You might say, “I woke up with a sore throat and a nasty cough. I’m worried I’ve caught the flu. I think it’s best if I stay home to avoid infecting others.”
- Practice your script a few times beforehand so it sounds more natural and sincere.
Offer to catch up on missed work to maintain your credibility. Reassure your boss that you’re still committed to your responsibilities, even if you're missing a day. Suggest tackling any unfinished tasks once you return or ask if there's anything you can handle from home. Showing initiative helps reinforce that you’re dependable despite being under the weather.
- If you don’t volunteer to make up work, it might raise suspicion that you weren’t really sick.
Stay in and off the radar while faking sick to avoid suspicion. Although lounging outside might sound appealing, getting caught could cost you your job. Keep a low profile by skipping social media posts and sticking to your story. If your boss reaches out, pick up quickly so you don’t seem like you’re dodging them.
- Getting exposed while pretending to be ill could lead to termination.
- Don’t share your plan with others—they could slip up and expose you.
Still act like you’re recovering when you return to work. On your first day back, don’t bounce in like you’re perfectly fine. Say sorry for missing the day and mention that you're feeling a bit better, but not 100%. Cough occasionally or move a little slower so your story stays consistent.
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If you're taking a sick day for mental health or stress relief, consider being honest with your boss. You might be surprised by how understanding they can be.
Warnings
- Steer clear of faking illness on days packed with key responsibilities, like meetings or client appointments—you don’t want to sabotage your own work.
- During major public health emergencies, like the COVID-19 pandemic, pretending to be sick can backfire. It might alarm your coworkers or be taken more seriously than intended.
- Don’t make a habit of calling in sick too often or in quick succession. It’s a red flag for your boss and could put your job at risk.
