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Rebuild your confidence and reclaim your self-worth
If someone with narcissistic tendencies has discarded you, you’re probably grappling with feelings of rejection, hurt, and confusion. They might have initially overwhelmed you with affection and attention, only to later chip away at your self-esteem before completely abandoning you. Remember, you deserve better. Continue reading for expert advice on recovering from such a relationship. Note that not all individuals with narcissistic traits have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a qualified therapist can diagnose NPD.
This article draws from an interview with Jay Reid, a licensed professional clinical counselor. View the full interview here.
Steps to Recovery
Allow yourself time to recover.
Healing takes time, and that’s perfectly normal. Ending a relationship with a self-centered individual can be particularly distressing because you may have felt like you were constantly revolving around them, sacrificing your own needs to keep them satisfied. While leaving such relationships is often for the best, it’s natural to need time to process the loss.
- Recognize that healing can take weeks or even months—this is a normal part of the journey.
- Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re still struggling months later. Healing is personal, and everyone progresses at their own pace.
Combat negative self-perceptions.
Actively address the harm they may have caused. Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies can be emotionally taxing, even before being discarded. If this person undermined your confidence or made you question your worth, confronting these issues can aid in your healing process. Replace negative thoughts about yourself with affirming ones. For instance:
- If you catch yourself thinking “I’m worthless,” counter it with “I am valuable.”
- If you think “I’m a bad partner,” affirm “I have always shown love and care in my relationships.”
- If you feel “I’m a terrible daughter,” remind yourself “I’ve always tried my best to support my parents.”
Hold them responsible for their behavior.
Some individuals try to convince you that everything is your fault, but it’s not. Those with narcissistic tendencies often struggle to maintain balanced, caring relationships and may shift blame onto others when confronted. Feeling anger toward your ex after being discarded is natural—it’s a response to the prolonged guilt you may have felt for their shortcomings.
- While these feelings of anger may fade, it’s healthier to direct that anger toward them rather than internalizing it.
- Remember, holding them accountable doesn’t always mean confronting them directly—it’s about freeing yourself from guilt and shame to move forward.
Reconnect with friends and family.
Meaningful connections can fill the void left by the lost relationship. Spending time with non-manipulative friends and family can remind you of the positive aspects of relationships: care, security, and happiness. Reconnect with those who genuinely care for you and bring joy into your life.
- When feeling low after being discarded, reach out to a friend or family member for a chat or meet up for coffee or an activity.
- Remember, your loved ones are there to support you. If the person who discarded you lacked empathy and dismissed your feelings, you might have learned to hide your pain. Most people, however, are empathetic and will gladly help you heal.
Prioritize self-care.
Now is the time to focus on your own well-being, not theirs. Ensure you’re eating well, sleeping enough, and staying physically active to maintain emotional resilience. Dedicate time daily to activities that bring you joy, whether it’s watching a movie, working on a creative project, or simply relaxing in a bath.
- In a relationship with a manipulative or self-centered person, you often neglect your own needs to please them. Practicing self-care reinforces the importance of your own happiness and well-being.
Restore your confidence.
Rebuilding your self-esteem is key to moving forward. A relationship with a manipulative individual can erode your confidence in your abilities and strengths. Engage in activities that remind you of your worth, such as meeting new people to showcase your best qualities or pursuing solo endeavors to foster independence.
- Volunteering is another excellent way to boost your confidence and self-esteem. It naturally highlights your strengths and your capacity to care for others.
Reinforce your boundaries.
If your boundaries were disregarded, now is the time to redefine them. Self-centered individuals often overlook the limits you set to maintain your independence. Reflect on and write down the boundaries you want to uphold in your relationships, ensuring they remain non-negotiable. For instance, your boundaries might include:
- “My family is a priority, and I won’t allow anyone to compromise the time and attention I give them.”
- “I won’t be coerced into showing intimacy or affection when I’m uncomfortable. Needing personal space doesn’t make me a bad partner.”
- “I won’t jeopardize my career to please others. I’m passionate about my work and won’t let guilt hinder my progress.”
Grow from this experience.
Even the most hurtful discard can teach valuable lessons. Reflect on your relationship and identify instances where your boundaries were crossed or your trust was violated. Consider how you responded and how you’d like to handle similar situations in the future. With the right perspective, this relationship can provide profound insights into your behavior in relationships and guide you toward healthier connections moving forward.
Sever ties with them.
After discarding you, they might attempt to draw you back in. Resist falling into this cycle. If this person is someone you find hard to detach from (like a parent), and you feel compelled to maintain the relationship, ensure you’ve rebuilt your self-esteem and achieved emotional independence first.
- It’s acceptable to send them a message or call to express your disinterest in continuing the relationship, but you can also gradually reduce contact.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 1223 Mytour readers, and 72% agreed that the best way to ignore a narcissist is to cut off or limit contact. [Take Poll]
Examine your childhood.
If you’re drawn to such individuals, understanding why is crucial. Many are attracted to narcissistic partners because they were raised by a parent with similar traits, seeking the same dynamic in romantic or platonic relationships. Reflect on your upbringing and how it felt to be around your parent. Did you feel cherished and supported, or were you constantly catering to their needs? This insight can help you better understand yourself and regain control over your life.
- Journaling is an effective way to process your thoughts. Write about the type of love you experienced growing up and see if it sparks new realizations.
Move on.
Being discarded is a chance to pursue a happier life. You don’t need someone who treats you poorly, and you’ll likely find greater happiness without them. Seek out healthier relationships built on empathy and mutual respect.
- Moving forward can take various forms depending on the relationship. If it was romantic, it might mean dating again when you’re ready. If it was a friendship, focus on strengthening existing friendships or forming new ones.
Seek therapy.
A therapist can help you navigate and process your emotions. They provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your relationship dynamics and support your healing journey. Many therapists specialize in helping survivors of abuse and can offer effective strategies for recovery.
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Keep in mind that not all individuals with clinical NPD are toxic or abusive—many can manage their behavior through therapy and/or medication.
