Buzz
Restore positive energy with these practical suggestions
Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a disagreement between two friends, where it’s hard to tell who’s right or wrong? It can be incredibly overwhelming, especially when both are close to you. To help navigate this situation, begin by following the first step below.
Important Points to Keep in Mind
- You can either choose to stay out of it or attempt to mediate between your friends.
- Let them know you won’t take sides, and explain how their conflict is weighing on you. Take a step back until the issue is resolved.
- If one of your friends has recently ended a relationship, offer them support to move forward, ensuring they understand you’ll always be there for them.
Steps to Take
Letting Go
Communicate that you don't want to be involved in their dispute. This approach works when neither party is clearly right or wrong, like when someone simply dislikes another person without a clear reason (which can definitely happen). It's crucial to inform them that you won’t take sides, and you prefer to stay out of the drama. This helps avoid getting caught in uncomfortable situations like being asked, "Who's right?" or "Who’s your better friend?"—questions that can make you seem unkind to at least one of them, regardless of your answer.
Refrain from agreeing with either side. This can be tricky because the natural instinct to support a friend often involves saying things like, "That's unfair" or "They’re acting like a jerk." But if you do this with both friends, you risk coming off as insincere, or worse, appearing to take both sides, when you should really remain neutral. Taking sides can create unnecessary tension in your friendships, so it’s best to avoid fueling any more conflict.
Attempt to mediate between the two. If you're neutral and both friends share their sides, you may be able to help them resolve the conflict. This isn’t easy, but it's important to stay fair. If you take sides based on your history with one friend, it won't help. It's crucial to step back, objectively assess the situation, and call out any wrong behavior—this can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. They will likely respect your honesty if you approach the situation with fairness.
- It’s okay if you feel awkward. As long as you're not intentionally being harsh, they'll likely appreciate your ability to look past your emotions and address the issue.
- However, there are situations where this method shouldn’t be used:
- If one of your friends is engaging in harmful behavior (such as self-harm, substance abuse, skipping responsibilities, or anything dangerous), don't mediate. Support them in seeking help by reminding them you're there for them, or involve a trusted adult like a parent, doctor, or counselor. Ensuring they’re safe comes first.
- If the issue persists, a different approach is needed. This method is best for smaller problems. For long-standing issues or those between ex-partners, more tailored advice is required, which you’ll find in the following methods.
Ignore the dispute altogether. Act as though you don’t care. Even if you do, fake it. When they bring it up, pretend to be busy by texting, reading, or listening to music. Do something that signals you're uninterested, and when they’re done venting, re-engage with the conversation. If you're alone with them and they raise the issue, just say something like, "I don’t want to get involved, please drop it."
- Over time, you might find that you truly stop caring. This may even make your friends realize that the fight isn't worth the energy. However, depending on the person, they might feel hurt or angry. In that case, let them know you care about them but have no interest in the conflict.
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Clarify that you don’t want to pick a side. But also, let them know that you’re emotionally detached from the issue. This approach only works when the conflict has been dragging on for a while and is particularly trivial.
- If the pull from both friends is too much, it might be best to detach yourself either from the individuals or the problem itself rather than trying to mediate. It’s often more effective to allow long-standing issues to resolve on their own rather than stepping in to fix things. In cases like this, it’s about stepping back emotionally, which can be tough but may significantly reduce your stress.
- It may be time to reconsider the value of these friendships. If your interactions with them leave you feeling unfulfilled or disappointed, these relationships might not be serving your well-being.
- If you constantly feel the need to intervene or are always the one managing their disputes, it might be a sign that something’s wrong. This should raise a red flag indicating an unhealthy dynamic.
Tell them that you can’t handle their conflict any longer unless they resolve it. If it’s causing you stress, speak up! Make sure they understand the impact it’s having on you. Being caught in the middle of this can sometimes feel worse than being one of the parties involved.
- The guilt factor might motivate them to resolve the issue, in which case, your friends are likely worth holding on to. Give them some time to work things out before deciding how to proceed further.
Start putting some distance between you and them. If the previous step didn’t help, it’s time to take a more active approach in distancing yourself. Begin by connecting with new people. Find individuals who share your interests and whom you feel comfortable with, whether in school or outside of it. Choosing the right friends can be tricky, but these tips can guide you.
- Make sure you’re not simply getting close to others out of spite for your current friends. They should genuinely be people you enjoy being with, or else the friendship will feel forced, and you may end up isolated when they realize you’ve been using them.
Shift the time you once spent with your arguing friends toward your new friends. You can let them know that you can’t be around them because their ongoing fight is stressing you out, and you need to step away from it. This strategy, known as "guilting," can prompt your friends to resolve their issues if they truly care about your well-being.
- If they start to make an effort, ease up on distancing yourself and allow them time to resolve the issue. Support them through their efforts, because when conflicts have lasted for years, it’s often easier to remain in the tension than to break free. It might sound strange, but maintaining the status quo is comfortable for some, and it will take time for your friends to adjust if they begin to reduce the tension between them.
Stand your ground if necessary. If they still don’t try to stop you from stepping away, it shows that they care more about holding onto their grudge than valuing a friend who genuinely cares. You deserve better, and it’s time to cut down on your communication with them.
- Don’t cut them off completely, but stop socializing with them. Be polite when you see them, but don’t go out of your way to engage. Remember, they’re no longer your friend but someone who’s not doing enough to keep you happy. (Just remember, this step typically comes several months after step 3, which highlights that it’s a lengthy process.)
Dealing with an Ex-Couple
- It’s always a bit awkward when two close friends start dating, only to break up, whether the breakup is messy or not. If the breakup is bad, they may get upset with you for spending time with the other person. Keep in mind, while they have valid reasons for disliking each other, it’s unfair to pull you into their issues unless, of course, you were the one who caused the breakup by flirting with their ex or helping with the cheating.
Make sure they understand that it’s about them, not you. It’s not your fault they broke up. Let them know that forcing you to choose sides will not help anyone—neither them nor you.
Help them move on from the breakup. They may never return to being friends, but they don’t have to be enemies. Set him up with someone new. Watch sad movies and binge on ice cream while you help her feel better. Often, the anger between them comes from sadness over the failed relationship, and the best way to resolve that is by lifting their spirits and perhaps introducing them to new people.
If that doesn’t work, tell them it’s time to move on. Dwelling on the past never helps anyone. You care about both yourself and your friends, so encourage them to face it. But, if they refuse to make an effort, remind them that you’re not their crutch—you're a person with your own life to manage.
- If you drop everything to help them, you’ll only make things worse. (It’s like if you broke your arm, and after it healed, someone continued to carry all your things and write for you, you still wouldn’t be able to use your arm.) Ensure they’re still capable of taking care of themselves.
Let them know you’re there for them, even if you're not their crutch. A difficult breakup is tough, and people cope with it at different paces, depending on the intensity and duration of their relationship. Remember to be compassionate and patient with them as they heal.
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Give your friends time to sort things out on their own. Don't rush through all the steps in one day and expect everything to be resolved.
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Remind them how much better it feels to have peace instead of enemies. Help them understand why they should stop fighting and provide reasons beyond "I’ll leave you if you don’t stop!"
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Be kind, but accept that your friends may not want to stop fighting. Don’t give in without reason.
Warnings
- Your friends may not feel as close to you for a while after this. That’s completely normal.
- You might feel guilty, but remember that this will actually benefit your friends in the long run. Fighting is never enjoyable.
- Avoid getting caught up in the drama, or this won’t work, plain and simple.
- These suggestions might not solve everything. Keep that in mind.
- If a friend starts to argue with you because you're trying to stop the fight, that’s just ridiculous. Let them know you feel that way and refuse to engage in the fight. Passive-aggressive behavior can be very effective in situations like this.
