Buzz
Identify future faking, the manipulative strategy often employed by narcissists to control their partners.
You’ve just met someone you're really into, and you're convinced they feel the same way—but some of the things they're saying seem almost too perfect to be true. What does this really mean, and how can you figure out what's actually happening? Individuals with narcissistic traits might use future faking to manipulate you, and we're here to help you identify when it's happening. Keep reading for a thorough guide on future faking, common red flags, and tips on managing it if it starts to become an issue.
Key Points to Keep in Mind
- Future faking is a deceptive tactic commonly used by narcissistic individuals. It involves making exaggerated promises about the future to create a false sense of closeness and trust.
- People with narcissistic traits often bring up the future and engage in love-bombing early on in relationships to gain your affection quickly and make you feel more attached.
- To handle future faking, ask your partner for specifics when they make big promises that sound too good to be true, and call them out when they fail to keep their word.
How to Respond
What is Future Faking?
Future faking occurs when someone makes empty promises about the future. This is a common tactic used by people with narcissistic traits in relationships. They might rapidly devise detailed plans about your future together to create a sense of closeness, manipulating you into feeling emotionally connected. However, these promises are rarely kept, as their goal is simply to win you over in the short term.
- Example 1: You and your partner have dreamed of taking a vacation to Europe since the start of your relationship, but the trip never happens because they always find an excuse not to go.
- Example 2: You and your partner discussed marriage and having children, but years have passed, and they still haven’t proposed. Every time you bring it up, they put it off again.
- Example 3: You've asked your partner to stop working so late every night, but they continue to do it. They promise to do better each time you address it, but nothing changes.
- Future faking can also happen in professional settings. For example, your boss might promise you a raise but always has an excuse when you ask about it again.
Future Faking and Narcissism
Narcissists use future faking as a tool to draw you deeper into a relationship. People with narcissistic tendencies often use future faking because they want their partners to become completely devoted to them. They rely on this tactic to keep you in the relationship, and because they usually lack empathy, they rarely consider the emotional harm it may cause. Some traits of narcissistic behavior include:
- Excessive pride and self-importance
- Constant need for attention
- Insecurity and hypersensitivity
- Manipulative behavior
- Deficiency in empathy
Narcissists depend on future faking to secure narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply refers to all the things that narcissists crave but can't obtain independently—like admiration, validation, power, and control. They also use future faking as a way to mask their true selves, pretending to be considerate and selfless when, in reality, they’re playing manipulative games.
- Since future faking is designed to deepen a narcissist's emotional hold on you, it may blind you to the fact that you're in a toxic or even abusive relationship.
- The stronger the emotional connection, the harder it is to break free, which is why some narcissists use future faking to entangle their partners.
Some individuals engage in future faking intentionally, while others do so without realizing it. Not every narcissistic person is aware that they are stringing you along, but it's a common trait. Even if you point out their empty promises, people with narcissistic tendencies are unlikely to believe you or take responsibility, since they lack empathy and often display arrogance.
- Before jumping to conclusions, observe whether your partner exhibits a lack of empathy.
- Some people overpromise out of wishful thinking, to avoid confrontation, or due to poor judgment.
- In essence, a partner who regrets breaking a promise might have simply made an error, but a partner who shows no remorse is more likely to be narcissistic.
Identifying the Signs of Future Faking
The relationship seems to be moving too fast. While there’s no “right” pace for relationships, most couples don’t start discussing romantic getaways or expressing love within the first few weeks. If someone is frequently bringing up the future early on, they may be future faking.
- If you're dating a narcissist, this behavior is especially common. Narcissists often accelerate relationships to quickly foster emotional attachment and control.
- A narcissistic future faker might say, “I can totally see us being together forever!” or “You’re exactly the person I want to marry someday” after just a couple of dates.
Their promises feel almost too good to be true. When you’re being manipulated through future faking, it might seem like you’re living in a fairy tale. Narcissistic future fakers often make exaggerated claims to convince you that your relationship is extraordinary, even if you’ve only been together a short time. This is typically a way to love-bomb you and draw you deeper into the relationship.
- You might hear phrases like, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else,” or “I felt a deep connection with you the moment we met. It’s like we’re soulmates.”
- Love-bombing and idealization are common tactics used in narcissistic relationships. Love-bombing involves overwhelming someone with excessive praise, flattery, and romantic gestures.
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They refuse to take responsibility for their commitments. In a healthy relationship, partners own up to their actions and apologize when they cause harm. However, someone engaging in future faking might avoid accountability by offering excuses for their failure to fulfill promises. They won’t admit to making false commitments or betraying your trust.
- For instance, if you ask a future faker when they’ll be ready to commit to engagement (or marriage), they might reply, “Let’s plan after I get a job promotion” or “We can wait until my brother’s wedding is over.”
- If you confront them, they might deflect and accuse you, gaslighting you by suggesting that you’re the reason they haven’t kept their word yet.
Their demeanor shifts drastically. When a narcissistic individual tires of future faking, they may suddenly turn from affectionate to cold and detached. This shift often happens if you challenge their excessive promises or if they feel they've extracted what they wanted from you. This behavior reveals that their emotions likely lack sincerity, and their motives are typically manipulative.
- For example, if you bring up a long-postponed trip you’ve discussed, they may become irritable and dismiss your suggestion altogether.
- Remember, this sudden shift isn’t your fault—it's a deliberate manipulation tactic, not a reflection of you as a partner.
They push you to isolate from others. As you get more involved in the relationship, a future faker may subtly encourage you to neglect your friends, family, or career. Narcissistic individuals often wish to be the sole focus of your attention, using future faking to create dependency on the relationship while distancing you from the outside world.
- For example, your partner might ask you to stop hanging out with your friends or to cancel family gatherings, signaling their attempt to control your social interactions.
- This tactic can be dangerous, as isolating you from loved ones makes it harder for you to find emotional support outside the relationship.
- A new relationship should be exciting, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of other important connections in your life.
How to Handle Future Faking Suspicions
Take a step back if they start making lofty promises. If you begin feeling overwhelmed by the grand future plans of a narcissistic partner, it’s crucial to pause the conversation or shift the topic. Afterward, take some time to reflect on how the conversation made you feel. If your gut tells you you’re being manipulated, trust it.
- For example, if you sense your partner might be future faking and you wish to step away, calmly say, “I think we should pause this discussion for now. Let’s talk about something else.”
- It’s essential to trust your instincts and reflect, as it helps you identify narcissistic behavior and the warning signs of future faking in relationships.
Ask for more specifics about their proposed plans. If your partner makes a promise that seems too good to be true or sounds overly ambitious, it’s a good idea to engage them in conversation. Pose some thoughtful questions! If they are sincere, they will be able to provide you with more concrete details. On the other hand, if they are future faking and manipulating you, they likely won’t have any solid information to back up their lofty promises.
- For instance, if your partner talks about moving in together, you could ask, “Do you have a timeframe for this?” or “What kind of place do you envision? Do you have a budget in mind?”
- If they are serious about the move, they might not have all the specifics yet, but they could offer something like, “I’d like to find a place within the next 6 months” or “My budget is around $1,500 per month.”
- However, if they’re just future faking, their response might be vague, such as, “I’m not sure yet. Let’s wait until I know if I get that promotion.”
Track your partner’s promises and check in regularly. If you’re suspicious of future faking or manipulation, it’s important to follow up with your partner after they make a promise to see if they’re genuinely making progress. Ask them how close they are to fulfilling their commitment and whether they’ve developed a plan to make it happen. Checking in ensures your partner stays accountable and reminds them that their promises should be meaningful.
- For example, if your partner agrees to move in together in six months but needs time to save money, check in to see if they’re making progress with their savings or looking for apartments.
- If they aren’t future faking, they will likely be saving money as they said. If they haven’t, a partner who is honest will own up to it and say something like, “I’m sorry, but an unexpected expense came up. Let’s revise our timeline.”
- In contrast, a future faker might say, “Actually, I can’t save up right now. Let’s talk about it next year.”
Call out instances where they’re lying or breaking their promises. If you suspect that your partner is manipulating you or backing out of promises, it may help to confront them directly. Some narcissists may not fully realize what they’re doing, or they may continue to manipulate you because they think you haven’t noticed. Call them out on their behavior by showing that you’re aware and want it to stop.
- For instance, if your partner repeatedly makes excuses for delaying a promised vacation, point this out. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed you keep putting off our Caribbean trip. Is there something preventing us from going?”
- Approach the situation respectfully and stick to the facts. Avoid accusing them of lying or starting a fight, as this could escalate the issue unnecessarily.
Consider ending the relationship if they refuse to take accountability. You deserve a partner who is transparent, makes sincere commitments, and takes responsibility for their actions. If your partner consistently makes empty promises or tries to manipulate you, it may become exhausting. If after addressing their behavior, nothing changes, it might be time to evaluate whether this relationship is right for you.
- Remember, if your partner engages in future faking, this is not a reflection on you or your worth. It’s a problem they need to address, and you aren’t obligated to remain in a relationship with someone who isn’t truthful or committed.
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Take the QuizExplore More QuizzesWhen does future faking typically take place?
The early stages of a relationship are the prime time for future faking. During the initial phase of a relationship, couples are figuring out how well they connect, which is why future faking is most prevalent at this time. Future fakers work hard to captivate potential partners by making grand promises to win them over.
- As the relationship progresses, future faking tends to decrease.
- Over time, future fakers stop making elaborate promises and start offering excuses for not keeping the ones they’ve made.
- Eventually, they may either push their partner away or end the relationship, again failing to follow through on their previous commitments.
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Remember, not everyone who displays narcissistic traits has clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional.
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Additionally, not all narcissists engage in toxic behavior or use future faking. Many narcissists can improve their behavior through therapy and/or medication.
