Understanding Going Dutch on a Date: Meaning, Etiquette, and More

Feeling a bit jittery before a date is totally normal—but the question of who will pay shouldn’t add to the tension. The simplest way to handle this is by going Dutch, but what does this expression really mean and why is it a good idea? In this guide, you'll discover everything you need to know about how to go Dutch on a date and why it’s a practice worth adopting.

Going Dutch means each person pays for their own expenses. The most straightforward interpretation of "going Dutch" is that you cover the costs for what you order or consume during the date. For instance, if you dine at a restaurant, both of you pay for the individual meals you ordered. If you shared an appetizer, the cost would be split equally. Similarly, at the movies, you'd buy your own tickets and snacks.

• This allows both parties to order freely without worrying about exceeding the other's budget.

The term originated as an insult towards the Dutch people centuries ago. In the 1600s, the English viewed the Dutch as overly frugal and business-minded. They were so tight-fisted, in fact, that women were expected to pay for their own meals on dates! Though the phrase has endured, there’s no longer any cultural significance behind it.

• Nowadays, many people view going Dutch on a date as a gesture of mutual respect and equality, though more traditional views, particularly in heterosexual relationships, still persist.

Dividing the check evenly is another form of going Dutch. If you both ordered similarly priced main dishes and shared an appetizer or dessert, simply splitting the bill in half is a fair approach. However, if one person orders something much cheaper than the other, splitting the cost evenly might cause tension.

• If the bill totals $40, it's perfectly fine for both of you to pitch in $20 each. But what if one of you only had a small appetizer and drank water, while the other indulged in steak and wine?
• If you agreed to split the bill upfront, the one who ordered less expensive items might be budgeting carefully, and forcing them to contribute equally doesn't feel right.

Another option is to agree to cover specific expenses. This method works especially well if one person is insistent on paying for everything. Sometimes, your date might be so determined to pay for the whole evening that it becomes awkward. Offering to cover a part of the bill can help balance things out and keep things fair.

• For instance, if your date insists on paying the entire check, you could say, "That’s okay, but let me at least cover the dessert since you only had a small bite of it."
• A common split is for one person to pay for the food while the other covers the drinks. This can be a great compromise, especially if you’ve spent a significant amount of time at a bar or restaurant.

It takes the pressure off deciding who pays. When you agree to each pay your own way, it’s clear what the cost of the date will be for you. You can focus on enjoying the time together without worrying about the expense.

• If you're just getting to know someone, discussing personal finances can be uncomfortable. Splitting the bill keeps financial details private.
• Sharing the cost also makes it easier to go out more often. If one person were always paying, it could become quite expensive over time.
• Going Dutch ensures fairness and comfort. Whether you're enjoying a fine meal or grabbing Chinese takeout, you're only responsible for your portion.

It removes unspoken expectations. Often, the person who picks up the tab might feel they’re entitled to something in return. This belief is more common in heterosexual dating when the man pays, but it can arise regardless of the genders involved. Even if the payer doesn't feel this way, the other person might assume they do, leading to unnecessary pressure to become intimate or go further than they feel comfortable with.

• On the flip side, if one person consistently pays, you might start expecting them to do so next time, or they might think you expect that—whether or not you actually do. Going Dutch from the start sets a precedent where no one is making assumptions.

You won’t feel guilty if there’s no second date. It’s natural to feel awkward if your date picked up the bill and you didn’t enjoy the time spent, or have no interest in seeing them again. By going Dutch, you ensure that they didn’t spend more than they would have if they had gone out alone.

• In cases where the outing wasn’t necessarily a “date,” it’s possible that the other person didn’t even realize that was your expectation. Going Dutch removes that potential for misunderstanding and makes everything feel less uncomfortable.

Paying for your own share levels the playing field. When one person always pays, it can create a dynamic where they feel they hold a position of power, seeing themselves as the provider in the relationship. But when you both go Dutch, no one has that power over the other.

• If one person regularly picks up the tab, they might feel entitled to decide where to go or what to do on dates, since they’re the one spending money. Paying your own way allows you to assert your independence and maintain equality.

It sets a precedent for open and honest conversations about finances. Money can often be a taboo topic, and you might feel it’s not necessary to discuss finances early on in a relationship. But withholding this information can lead to bigger problems later. Paying for your own share on dates helps both of you get a clearer picture of each other's financial situation right from the beginning.

• You can take a page from the Dutch, known for their directness. In Dutch culture, openly discussing money is the norm, so if you're truly “going Dutch,” you shouldn’t be afraid to bring up this topic either.

Bring up the idea of going Dutch before the date. As soon as you both start planning to go out together, make it clear that you’d like to go Dutch. If they ask why, simply explain that it makes you feel more comfortable.

• This approach avoids putting anyone on the spot. When everyone knows the plan in advance, there’s no need for worry.
• You might say, "I’d love to go to dinner with you, but I’d prefer if we went Dutch. I hope that won’t be an issue."
• If they still insist on paying, you can respond with, "I appreciate it, but I’d rather pay my own way this time. We can talk about other options for future dates."

Agree on the destination and activity together. This ensures you're choosing a place that works for both of you financially. There’s no need to dive deep into each other’s finances—just offer a few options. If your date suggests somewhere too pricey for your taste, feel free to suggest an alternative. Choose places that have online menus so you can both review them ahead of time.

• You might say, "I know Virago is popular, but I’m not really in the mood for sushi. How about Sixty Vines instead?"
• If you're the one making suggestions, provide 2 or 3 places in the same area.
• In a large city, it might be best to settle on a neighborhood first, then narrow down your choices from there.

Reconfirm going Dutch at the start of the date. This eliminates the awkwardness when the check arrives. Once you’ve both arrived at the date spot, double-check with your date to ensure you're both still on the same page. This reinforces that you were serious about going Dutch.

• You might say, "We’re still going Dutch, right? Just want to make sure we’re aligned on that."
• If you're at a restaurant, tell the server as soon as you're seated: "We’ll need separate checks." This prevents any potential misunderstanding or awkwardness.

Let your date pay if they’re insistent. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth making a fuss—especially on your first date! Some people genuinely prefer to pay and might be offended if you continue to resist. In this case, just express your gratitude and let the matter go.

• You could say, "Thank you, that’s really kind of you." You might add, "But you’ll have to let me pick up the check next time—I insist."