Buzz
Is it possible for manipulation to happen without intent, and does it still count as abuse?
While gaslighting has been widely discussed online for years, unintentional gaslighting requires a closer look: if manipulation can occur without intent, does that mean anyone is capable of it? Does it still qualify as abuse? Rest assured—we’ve compiled everything you need to understand unintentional gaslighting, including warning signs, examples, and strategies to address it, whether you’re on the receiving end or suspect you might be engaging in it.
This article draws from an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. You can find the full interview here.
Key Points to Keep in Mind
- Unintentional gaslighting occurs when someone causes another to question their reality without realizing it.
- Behaviors like toxic positivity, harmless lies, and justifying actions can all be examples of unconscious gaslighting.
- Address unconscious gaslighting by confronting it, asking clarifying questions to reveal the truth, and examining the gaslighter’s intentions.
Steps to Take
What does unintentional gaslighting mean?
Unintentional gaslighting occurs when someone causes another to doubt their reality without deliberate intent. Gaslighting typically involves one person intentionally undermining another’s perception of reality, leading them to question their own experiences. Over time, this erodes the victim’s confidence and grants the gaslighter greater control. While this behavior is often seen in abusive or narcissistic relationships, unintentional gaslighting happens without conscious awareness or purpose.
- Unintentional gaslighting can be neutral or even well-meaning. For example, if you’re having a tough day and a friend says, “Everything happens for a reason,” it might feel dismissive, even if their goal was to comfort you.
- Despite its lack of intent, unintentional gaslighting can still be emotionally abusive, especially if it happens repeatedly, leaving the victim feeling invalidated and hurt.
Instances of Unintentional Gaslighting
Toxic positivity This is a common example, especially on social media, where overly simplistic and shallow messages urge people to “stay positive” during difficult times, such as battling severe depression or grieving a loss. While the intent behind toxic positivity might be good, the result is often that the person on the receiving end feels dismissed, undervalued, and even guilty for experiencing negative emotions.
- Toxic positivity is frequently used by individuals who feel uneasy around others’ pain. However, it sends a message that they are not a safe space for emotional support.
- For instance, at a funeral, someone might say, “They would want you to be happy,” intending to comfort you, but this can feel invalidating when you’re in the midst of grief.
Ignoring others’ perspectives When someone dismisses your opinion as “incorrect,” even in a joking manner, it can be a form of unintentional gaslighting. By prioritizing our own views over others’, we subtly imply that their experiences are less valid, reinforcing the idea that only our perspective matters.
- For example, if you express enjoyment of a movie and someone responds, “No, you didn’t like it; it was awful,” this can feel dismissive, even if meant playfully.
- While such behavior might seem minor in isolation, consistently invalidating others’ opinions—even on trivial matters—can make them hesitant to share their thoughts or seek your support in the future.
Creating excuses Individuals who gaslight unintentionally might fabricate small excuses to evade accountability, often believing these are harmless. For example, if you ask your partner to assist with the dishes and they remain seated, they might later insist they didn’t hear your request.
- This behavior is usually less about intentionally deceiving you and more about avoiding disruption, like wanting to continue watching TV. However, over time, such actions can significantly damage the relationship dynamic.
Using absolute language Most of us have, at some point, spoken in absolutes (yes, even us). While not everyone does this, many fall into the habit of turning “sometimes” into “always” or “rarely” into “never.” For instance, saying, “You’re always late!” or “You never consider my needs!” dismisses the other person’s reality, where they might only be late occasionally or frequently think about their partner’s needs. This can make them feel unappreciated or misunderstood.
- Absolute statements often arise during heated arguments. In calmer moments, most people recognize that no one is “always” or “never” anything.
Invalidating others’ emotions Similar to dismissing opinions, unintentional gaslighters might undermine your feelings by suggesting you’re too sensitive, emotional, or fearful to interpret events accurately. While intentional gaslighters do this deliberately, unintentional gaslighters might act this way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or to preserve their self-image.
- For example, if your partner mocks your haircut and you express hurt, they might respond, “You’re always too sensitive about your appearance.” This shifts blame and avoids accountability.
- A healthier response would involve acknowledging your feelings and apologizing, such as, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’d never want you to feel bad about yourself.”
Telling white lies People often justify white lies as harmless, believing they protect others’ feelings. However, honesty is typically the better approach. While the liar may convince themselves they’re being kind, they’re often avoiding uncomfortable truths, especially if those truths reflect poorly on them.
- For instance, saying, “The movie wasn’t that great,” to someone who missed it might seem considerate, but it’s still dishonest.
- White lies can also be used to avoid confrontation. If you watched a movie without a friend, you might claim it was bad to downplay your actions.
Refusing to admit memory errors While everyone’s memory is imperfect, unintentional gaslighters may resist admitting when they’re wrong. This reluctance, often rooted in pride rather than malice, can lead to the other person feeling invalidated. If they insist their memory is always accurate, it implies that yours must be flawed.
- This form of manipulation is particularly harmful because it targets your perception of past events. Initially, you might dismiss it, but over time, consistent invalidation can make you doubt your own memory.
Consequences of Unintentional Gaslighting
Erosion of trust Even when gaslighting is unintentional, it still involves manipulation and dishonesty. Over time, the person subjected to gaslighting may lose trust in the gaslighter. Trust is a cornerstone of healthy relationships, particularly romantic ones, so unintentional gaslighting can severely harm the bond between partners.
Hesitation to share Gaslighting creates a divide between individuals over time. If someone is repeatedly told, even subtly, that their feelings, opinions, or perceptions are incorrect, they may stop opening up to the person dismissing their experiences.
Decline in relationship satisfaction Being in a relationship with someone who unintentionally gaslights you can lead to decreased happiness. As trust erodes and the sense of reliable support diminishes, dissatisfaction with the relationship is likely to grow.
Increased depression The combination of relationship dissatisfaction and the inability to rely on someone who should be supportive often leads to heightened depression. Feeling unable to express yourself without being invalidated or belittled can lower self-esteem over time, potentially resulting in significant depressive symptoms.
How to Address Unintentional Gaslighting
Address the behavior directly. If the gaslighting is unintentional, the person will likely stop or at least engage in a discussion once they’re confronted. Pointing out gaslighting when it happens can make the person more aware of their actions, potentially helping them reduce manipulative tendencies.
Use follow-up questions to reveal the truth. Gaslighting often crumbles under scrutiny because it lacks logical consistency or is based on unsustainable lies. When someone gaslights you, calmly question their statements or motives. If they’re sincere, they may reflect on their behavior and strive to improve.
- Ask questions that help uncover the truth or expose inconsistencies in their story. Honest individuals are likely to admit the truth when pressed.
- For example, if your partner claims the store was out of milk, ask, “Did you check the entire milk aisle?” to verify their story.
Hold onto your truth. Regardless of what the other person says, stay grounded in your own reality—your feelings, opinions, and perceptions. While this won’t stop the gaslighting, it can mitigate its harmful effects on you.
Practice patience. Recognize that gaslighting may be a deeply ingrained habit, and breaking it can take time. With patience and understanding, the person may eventually stop their manipulative behavior.
- Try to understand their motives. Often, unintentional gaslighting stems from momentary selfishness rather than a desire to control you.
Remove yourself from overwhelming situations. Even if the gaslighting is unintentional, you are not obligated to tolerate it. You can point out their behavior when it occurs and show understanding when they lapse into old habits, but the decision to stay or leave is yours. If you believe it’s best to leave, it might be the healthiest choice.
- "Leaving the situation" could mean ending contact with the gaslighter or simply stepping away from the conversation.
Mytour Quiz: Am I Experiencing Gaslighting?
Do you think a partner, family member, friend, or colleague might be gaslighting you? Gaslighting involves making someone doubt their reality and experiences, and it’s a form of emotional abuse. It can be deeply confusing, disorienting, and painful—sometimes it’s hard to even recognize when it’s happening. Our quiz is designed to help you reflect on your experiences and determine the best course of action for your relationship.
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How frequently do they refer to you as “crazy,” “overly sensitive,” or use other hurtful terms?
What if you are the one gaslighting?
Pay attention to your behavior. It can be challenging to recognize which actions to avoid until someone brings them to your attention. As a general guideline, steer clear of the behaviors discussed in this article: toxic positivity, white lies, dismissing others’ feelings or opinions, making excuses, using absolute language, and refusing to admit when you’re wrong.
- When someone points out how your actions affect them, listen carefully and strive to improve. Trust that they know their own feelings best, even if it’s difficult to accept that you might be causing harm.
Release your pride. Unintentional gaslighting often stems from excessive pride or a desire to maintain a certain image. For example, admitting a memory error might feel like a blow to your ego. Letting go of pride can help you stop gaslighting others.
Consider professional support. Everyone can be toxic or manipulative at times, often unintentionally. If your gaslighting is harming your relationships or feels uncontrollable, seeking help from a licensed therapist can be beneficial. They can assist you in addressing your tendencies, understanding your motivations, and working to overcome them.
