Buzz
Some people seem to have been born as conversation superstars. They can chat effortlessly and tell stories as if it's second nature. But for introverted or reserved individuals, gathering the courage to speak up may not come easily. Regardless of your personality type, though, you can practice speaking more and even captivate your listeners, eventually becoming a better communicator. Learn how to start and maintain conversations, whether you're talking to one person, a group, or giving a speech in class.
Steps
Starting a Conversation
Start with a topic that both of you are familiar with and can easily discuss. The biggest obstacle to striking up a conversation is the fear of opening your mouth only to realize there’s nothing to say. Fortunately, there are a few simple strategies you can use to choose a topic both parties can comfortably talk about.
- Consider the situation. If you're in class with someone, you can always begin by discussing something happening in the classroom. If you're at a party, talk about the event. You don't need to say anything complicated, just a simple sentence like 'What do you think of this neighborhood?' can open the door to conversation.
- Avoid approaching strangers with cheesy pick-up lines or awkward jokes. While not necessarily 'rude,' a question like 'How much does a polar bear weigh?' won't give you the chance to talk; instead, it will likely leave you in an uncomfortable silence.
Remember the "FORM" principle. FORM is an acronym used in conversation skill classes, helping you recall topics that are always suitable to start a conversation, and suggestions for introducing those topics, whether talking to someone familiar or a stranger. This is the golden rule for choosing an opening question: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Motivation.
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Family
- "How is your mom lately?" or "How are your parents doing these days?"
- "How many siblings do you have?" or "Are you close with your siblings?"
- "What was the best/worst family vacation you've ever had?"
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Occupation
- "What do you do for a living?" or "Do you like your new job?"
- "What's the most challenging part of your job?" or "What's the most interesting thing you've worked on recently?"
- "What's your work environment like?"
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Recreation
- "What do you usually do for fun?" or "Anything fun to do around here?"
- "How long have you been involved here?"
- "Do you participate in any groups?"
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Motivation
- "What do you like to do after school?" or "Do you think you'll pursue this long-term? What's your dream job?"
- "What do you want to do in the future?"
Ask open-ended questions. The key to starting a conversation is creating an opportunity for others to speak and respond. This is the trick to speaking more and not just talking about yourself. Open-ended questions create chances for others to be open, providing you with more ideas to continue the conversation.
- Open-ended questions can also follow up on closed-ended responses. If you ask, "How have you been?" and someone answers "I'm fine," ask "What did you do today?" and follow up with "How did that go?" Encourage them to talk more.
- Open-ended questions usually invite people to share opinions. You can’t answer an open-ended question with just a “yes” or “no.” Avoid asking closed-ended questions like "What's your name?" or "Do you come here often?" as they won’t lead to further conversation.
Recall past conversations. Sometimes talking to someone you know a little is harder than talking to a stranger. If you already know some details about someone's family or background, you can recall previous conversations to find follow-up questions to see what’s new with them:
- "What have you been up to today?" or "What have you been doing since we last met?"
- "How's that project you're working on going? Was it successful?"
- "The vacation photos you posted on Facebook look amazing. How was your trip?"
Develop your listening skills alongside speaking skills. A good conversationalist isn't someone who talks endlessly. If you want to speak more, it's crucial to develop strong listening skills, not just wait for your turn to talk.
- Make eye contact with the other person and use open body language. Nod when you agree and stay engaged in the conversation. Follow up with phrases like "Oh, that's interesting. What happened next?" or "So, how did it turn out?"
- Really listen and respond to what the other person says. You should paraphrase their words, such as saying, "I understand that..." or "It sounds like you're saying..."
- Never try to speak more by dominating the conversation or continuously talking about yourself. Focus on listening and responding.
Read the other person’s body language for clues. Some people simply don’t want to talk, and pushing them to engage won’t help. Pay attention to their closed-off and distracted body language. It's better to focus your conversation skills on someone who is more open.
- Closed body language includes gestures like looking past the person you're talking to or glancing around the room as if trying to find an escape. Crossing arms or pulling them close to the body can also indicate closed-off body language, as can turning your body away from the other person.
- Open body language includes gestures like leaning forward, making eye contact, and actively listening to what the other person is saying.
Smile. A crucial part of conversation is through non-verbal communication. People generally enjoy talking to those who are cheerful, approachable, and appear friendly. You can encourage someone to open up and connect with you by showing open body language and offering a smile.
- You don’t have to grin like a fool! Just appear happy, even if you're not fully at ease. Avoid frowning or scowling. Raise your eyebrows, lift your chin, and smile.
Engage with one person at a time
Look for open doors in a conversation. This becomes easier when you're talking to someone who's eager to chat; however, even with more reserved individuals, you can still identify opportunities to transition to different topics by seeking personal connections that both of you can discuss. This is an art, but there are a few tricks that can help you hone this skill.
- Ask about their personal experience on a specific subject. If they mention running as a hobby, inquire about how long they've been running, whether they enjoy it, where they typically run, and other related questions.
- Ask for their opinion on a topic. For example, if they mention working at a popular bakery in high school, ask them about the bakery. Encourage them to share stories.
- Always follow up on the conversation. You can continue their brief answer by asking, "Why is that?" or "What was that like?" Smile to show that you are interested and not prying, just genuinely curious about what they are saying.
Don’t be afraid to dive deeper into the conversation. People often like talking about themselves, so don’t hesitate to ask for their thoughts and learn a bit about what’s going on in their mind. Some more reserved individuals may hesitate, but many people enjoy sharing their thoughts with curious listeners.
- You can always revisit something previously discussed and say, "Sorry, I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious."
Speak your mind. Don’t stay silent while you’re thinking of an answer. Just start by repeating what the other person just said and respond naturally. If you're shy, you may tend to overthink before you speak, but usually, if you reduce your self-censorship and allow yourself to speak more freely, the result will be just as good, if not better.
- Many people fear that what they say will sound "silly" or "inappropriate", but this worry often leads to unnatural speech and awkward moments in conversation. If you want to speak more, try to respond quickly, even if you're not entirely sure about what you're going to say.
Don’t be afraid to change the topic. Sometimes, a conversation about a particular subject can run out of steam, leading to an awkward silence. If there's nothing else to say on that topic, feel free to shift to something else, even if it's unrelated to the current conversation.
- For example, if two people are having a drink and talking about football, but the football talk starts to dry up, you could pick up your drink and ask, “What do you think of this drink? I forgot what’s in it.” Talk about the drink for a while while you think of another topic to bring up.
- Talk about things that interest you and topics you’re knowledgeable about. You’re more likely to engage others when discussing something you're familiar with, at least for those who care about the subject.
Stay up to date with current events. When the conversation starts to dwindle, bringing up recent news, trending topics, or hot-button issues can be a great way to connect, as the other person might already be familiar with the topic, making it easier to find common ground.
- You don’t even need to be an expert on the topic. You could ask, “Have you heard about the debate in Congress? I haven't caught the details yet.”
- Avoid coming across as condescending. Never assume that the other person knows nothing about a topic, whether vague or specific; otherwise, your behavior might seem dismissive.
Engage in group conversations
Speak loudly enough. If you find it difficult to speak with one person, speaking in a group can be even more challenging. However, if you want to be heard, one of the most important things you can do is ensure your voice is loud enough for everyone to hear easily.
- People who are naturally shy tend to speak less and be more introverted. Larger groups usually favor those who are extroverted and speak up, meaning you may need to adjust your volume to fit in with the group dynamic.
- Try this trick: Raise your volume to match the other voices in the group, but then lower it back down to a normal level when everyone is listening. This way, you won’t have to force the conversation. Let them come to you instead of the other way around.
Don’t wait for everyone to go silent. Sometimes, group conversations can feel like playing Frogger: you're standing in the middle of a busy street, looking for a gap that never seems to appear. The trick in this game is to jump in. The silent moments, when they do happen, are rarely obvious, so it's important to take the risk of speaking up rather than waiting for complete silence to make your move.
- Try not to interrupt by overpowering someone’s words. Instead, start with phrases like “So…” or “Hold on…” or even “I have something to add,” and wait for them to finish their sentence. This way, you’ll seize the opportunity to speak without completely dominating the conversation.
Use body language to show you're ready to speak. If you have something to share, make eye contact with the speaker, lean forward slightly, and adopt open body language to signal your attention and desire to speak. This may encourage them to invite your opinion when they notice your intent to contribute.
- If you're feeling overwhelmed, you might want to retreat, but this only makes it harder to engage, and others might not recognize your wish to speak.
Offer a different perspective. Group conversations can easily become monotonous if everyone shares the same opinions. Occasionally, it's beneficial to play the 'contrarian.' If you disagree with the group, try presenting your opposing view gently.
- Remember to soften your disagreement with phrases like, "I have a slightly different view, but..." or "I think your point is great, but I see it differently."
- You don't have to accept someone else's idea just to participate, especially if you can't defend it. Feel free to express your disagreement, as conversations are meant to exchange ideas, not punish differing opinions.
Have a private conversation, if necessary. Some people find it challenging to communicate in large groups but excel in one-on-one conversations. This is completely normal. Personality research shows that people tend to belong to either the pair group or the trio group, based on whether they are more comfortable in group chats or with individuals.
- Those in the pair group may struggle to speak in larger groups. If you'd like to chat with someone but feel uncomfortable with three or more people around, take them aside for a private conversation. Then, you can engage with each person one-on-one, staying within your comfort zone without seeming rude, as you're still engaging with everyone in the group.
Speaking at school
Prepare your speech ahead of time. Speaking in front of a class is a different experience, and things that may seem unnatural in everyday conversations can be quite suitable in a classroom setting. For example, in group discussions, it's helpful to write down and prepare your thoughts in advance.
- In general, you might find it hard to recall what you wanted to mention during a literature class or the questions you had about your math homework. So, write them down and bring them to class next time. There's nothing wrong with bringing a 'script' to school.
Ask questions. One of the best ways to contribute to class is by asking questions. Whenever you don't understand something or feel unclear about a topic, raise your hand to ask. There's a general rule that for every student who doesn't understand, there are five others who are too shy to ask. Be the brave one to speak up.
- Only ask questions that benefit or relate to the whole group. Questions like "Why did I get a B on this assignment?" are not appropriate in this context.
Agree with another student's opinion. If you can't come up with anything to say during a group discussion, you can always agree with someone else's point to contribute, even if it's not truly your own idea.
- Wait for someone to make a good point, then chime in with, "I agree," and restate it in your own words. It's an easy way to participate.
Rephrase what you've heard. Get into the habit of repeating what you've just heard and expressing it in your own words. This is a great way to contribute without needing any new ideas. Of course, it's better if you add your own thoughts to meet the teacher's expectations.
- If someone says, "I think this book is about family relationships and the dark secrets they are hiding," you can rephrase it and add something like, "I agree. We can see the authoritarian relationship between the father and son in this novel, especially the main character's downfall."
- Support your point with examples. Find a quote or details in the book to illustrate the point just made by someone else.
Set a goal to contribute at least one idea per class. Generally, you don't need to be the most talkative person in class, but you should speak enough to make your presence known. To do this, aim to share at least one idea each class. This will help you avoid being singled out by the teacher when the class falls silent. Prepare your thoughts, speak up, then sit down and listen.
Advice
- Do something that makes you feel comfortable. Dress well, apply makeup, brush your teeth, and chew gum. Wear perfume or anything that boosts your confidence!
- Don't rehearse what you're going to say. Avoid writing your words down or stressing over each phrase, or your mind will run out of things to say.
- Let the conversation flow naturally. Talk about things around you or everyday topics and embrace the freedom of expression.
- Try to be yourself, and come across as friendly and cheerful.
Warning
- Don't engage with people who seem unfriendly just to prove you're good at talking; they may be kind or they may not.
- If you're an introvert, just enjoy your life – don't force too many changes. Stay true to your nature.
- Quiet and introverted individuals shouldn't try to change themselves based on suggestions from this article.
