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Discover the most common gaslighting tactics and how to defend against them
Have you ever felt like you're questioning yourself even when you’re certain you're correct? If that's the case, you might be dealing with gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulative strategy used to distort your perception of reality in relationships. Identifying gaslighting behavior can be difficult, so we’ve compiled a list of common gaslighting phrases and how to handle them. Additionally, we’ll provide you with strategies for responding effectively.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Read the full interview here.
Important Insights
- Gaslighting phrases are designed to make you question your own reality and foster self-doubt, making it easier for the gaslighter to dominate and control you.
- A gaslighter will attempt to belittle you by responding with phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s no big deal” to diminish your feelings and invalidate your experiences.
- How to respond to a gaslighter by ignoring their provocations, standing your ground, or reaffirming your strengths and abilities.
How to Respond
“That’s not what happened.”
A gaslighter will attempt to distort your sense of reality. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to gain control, and to achieve that, they’ll try to convince you that your version of events isn’t true. They want you to disregard your own understanding and accept only their version of reality.
- How to respond: Stick to your truth and stand firm in what you know to be accurate. When they challenge you, respond confidently with statements like, “I was there” and “I know what happened.” It can also help to talk to a trusted friend or loved one for an external perspective.
“You’re overreacting.”
Gaslighters try to invalidate your emotions. They believe their way is the only way, and to manipulate you, they’ll attempt to convince you that your feelings aren’t valid or justified.
- How to respond: Set boundaries in how to handle disagreements. Use “I statements” to communicate clearly what you feel, and invite them to share their own needs: "I need to express my feelings, and I would appreciate you respecting that. What do you need from me?"
“You’re crazy.”
A gaslighter may make you doubt your own sanity. Their goal is to cause confusion and uncertainty, giving them more control in the relationship. They frequently use words like “crazy,” “insane,” or “delusional” to make you question your own reality.
- How to respond: Stay grounded and assertive by saying, “I know what I saw, and I know I’m not crazy. From now on, I’d appreciate it if we could avoid name-calling.” This approach reaffirms your perspective and helps them realize they cannot control your thoughts.
“You’re so sensitive.”
A gaslighter may try to weaponize your emotions. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being emotional or empathetic, but a gaslighter may try to use your sensitivity against you. If you express hurt or frustration, they may label you as “too soft” or overly emotional.
- How to respond: Embrace your emotions, knowing they are a natural part of being human. You can say, “Yes, I have strong emotions, and that’s okay,” or remind yourself of this when needed.
Mytour Quiz: Am I Being Gaslighted?
Do you feel that a partner, family member, friend, or co-worker is causing you to question your reality? Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes you doubt your own experiences. It’s a confusing and painful process, often leaving you uncertain of what’s truly happening. We’ve created a quiz to help you evaluate your experiences, so you can gain clarity and figure out the next steps to take in your relationship.
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How often do they label you with terms like “crazy,” “sensitive,” or other hurtful names?
“Stop exaggerating.”
A gaslighter wants you to believe you’re making a bigger deal out of things than they actually are. Gaslighters often manipulate you by saying things that make you question your perspective. They may use words like “exaggerating,” “overreacting,” or “overthinking” to sow doubt in your mind.
- How to respond: Take a step back to regain control of your emotions and the situation. Say something like, “I need a moment to think things through and ensure I’m not exaggerating. Can we talk about this again after we’ve both calmed down?” This gives you the space to reflect and approach the conversation with clarity.
- Remember, gaslighting is most effective when the person is emotionally charged, rather than when they’re calm and collected.
“It was only a joke!”
To many gaslighters, hurtful comments are often disguised as "jokes." When a gaslighter says something that cuts deep, they may try to downplay it with this common response, especially if they see you getting upset. They'll shift the blame onto you, making you feel like you're the one who can't handle a harmless joke.
- How to respond: Make it clear that you don’t find their “jokes” funny and that they make you uncomfortable: "You might see it as a joke, but I find it hurtful. I know you don’t want to upset me, so I’d really appreciate it if you could be more considerate moving forward." If they continue to dismiss your feelings after this, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
“So, you’re accusing me?”
Gaslighters often deflect blame and avoid accountability. Even the slightest suggestion of fault can trigger a gaslighter. They never want to be wrong, so they'll turn defensive if confronted. Instead of accepting responsibility, they'd rather make you feel guilty for questioning their actions.
- How to respond: Take a calm moment and express yourself clearly using “I statements:” “No, I think we both have things to work on,” or “Yes, I believe you could’ve handled that better.”
“This is your fault.”
Gaslighters often try to shift blame onto you. A gaslighter will rarely admit they’re wrong (even if they are), especially when it doesn’t fit their narrative. They might try to pin the blame for a conflict or negative situation on you, making you feel worse about yourself.
- How to respond: Keep your composure and steer the conversation back on track by saying something like, “Let’s work on this together, without pointing fingers.”
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH US
What approach do you find works best when dealing with a gaslighter?
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Start QuizExplore More Quizzes“Let’s just move on and forget about it.”
If a situation doesn’t align with a gaslighter's agenda, they’ll try to brush it off. When the heat is on, they might shift the conversation to avoid responsibility. They may say something like this to get you to drop the issue, particularly when they start feeling cornered.
- How to respond: Remember, you are not obligated to let them control the situation. If you aren’t ready to let things go, assert yourself by saying, “Before we end this conversation, I need to clarify something…”
“You’re not flawless either.”
A gaslighter may try to level the playing field by dragging you down. During an argument, they may twist everything you’ve said and attempt to deflect by highlighting your imperfections. They might make the case that you expect them to be perfect when, in reality, no one is.
- How to respond: Respond calmly yet assertively with something like, “I’m not claiming perfection, I’m simply asking to be heard.” This makes it clear that they cannot dominate the conversation or your feelings.
“It’s not that important.”
They may downplay the situation to make you feel like you're overreacting. A gaslighter will take something that matters to you and belittle it, trying to make you feel small and question your emotions. This is their tactic to gain control, as you’ll start doubting your own perspective.
- How to respond: Remember, you have every right to express what’s troubling you. Calmly explain why you believe it’s a “big deal” by sharing your thoughts and feelings without hesitation.
Let us know your thoughts
How do you usually feel after being gaslighted?
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Start QuizExplore More Quizzes“I was just trying to help.”
Gaslighters often pretend to be heroes to earn your sympathy. Ultimately, a gaslighter craves attention. They may try to divert your focus, love, and support by making it seem like their actions are solely to benefit you. This way, they can avoid taking responsibility by claiming that their behavior was done out of love or friendship.
- How to respond: Acknowledge their statement briefly but refocus the conversation by saying something like, “That may be true, but…” For example, you could say, “That may be true, but I wanted to make that decision myself.”
“Why can't you be more like __?”
Gaslighters exploit insecurities to maintain control. This tactic is meant to distract you from their manipulation. They may also hope to provoke you, only to accuse you of overreacting.
- How to respond: First, resist the urge to compare yourself to others—you are enough as you are, and their words don’t define you! Then, calmly push back by stating, "I know I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best. It feels like you’re trying to put me down instead of having a real conversation."
“Oh, so you’re always right, huh?”
Gaslighters make you feel like the problem. Even minor critiques can set them off. They want you to believe that you’re the stubborn one when, in reality, they refuse to compromise.
- How to respond: Keep the discussion on track. Don’t get drawn into their attempt to dismiss you. A firm response like, “I’m not saying that, but I do know what I experienced,” can prevent them from shifting the blame onto you.
“And this is why you don’t have any friends.”
When a gaslighter is backed into a corner, they’ll exploit your vulnerabilities. A gaslighter aims to diminish your self-esteem to lift their own. They’ll make you question your worth, making you feel isolated in the process. If no one else seems to value you, they want you to believe they’re the only one who does.
- How to respond: Recognize your incredible worth and strengths—you're extraordinary. In fact, you're so exceptional that you deserve to be surrounded by people who empower you, not tear you down. Let them know that you won’t tolerate such behavior: "I won’t accept being made to feel bad on purpose. This ends now."
“Who do you think they’ll believe?”
A gaslighter may corner you when they feel threatened. If you stand your ground, a gaslighter will use their influence to silence you. If you attempt to expose their behavior, they’ll make you feel powerless by leveraging their status or position. They want you to believe no one will back you up.
- How to respond: Stand firm with phrases like, “I know what happened. I know what I heard and saw.” Know that if they are isolating or manipulating you, it's a clear sign of toxicity. Reach out to someone you trust for support.
“You made me do it.”
A gaslighter will try to shift the blame onto you for their own actions. No matter how badly they behave, they’ll make you feel responsible for their mistakes. They want you to question your role, while excusing their own inappropriate actions.
- How to respond: Understand that you’re not the cause of their behavior. Clearly explain your side of things, and if needed, walk away from the situation. “We’re both responsible for our actions, and I didn’t make you do anything.”
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Not everyone who uses these phrases is a gaslighter. Before you label someone—whether a parent, partner, or friend—as a gaslighter, take a step back and assess the broader signs of gaslighting, as well as the context of your conversation.
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If you believe you're in a gaslighting relationship, write down your experiences so you can reflect on them later when you're feeling more emotionally stable. It's also helpful to reach out to your support system and get their perspective on what's going on.
