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Discover the right way to address someone using they/them/theirs
When someone identifies with they/them pronouns, they choose not to use gendered terms such as he/him or she/her. Individuals of any gender identity might use they/them pronouns, and it’s essential to honor and respect their preferences, regardless of how they choose to identify. If you're unsure about using they/them pronouns or want to make sure you’re addressing someone correctly, we’ll guide you through the process. Keep reading to understand what these pronouns mean and how to use them confidently and appropriately.
Important Things to Understand
- They/them/theirs pronouns are generally used to refer to a single person who does not use gendered pronouns like she/her/hers or he/him/his.
- Anyone can use they/them pronouns, regardless of how they look or their gender identity. It’s always best to ask someone directly for their pronouns to address them correctly.
- If you make a mistake and use the wrong pronouns, it’s important to correct yourself right away and continue the conversation with respect.
Steps to Take
What Do They/Them Pronouns Represent?
They/them pronouns indicate a person prefers not to use gendered pronouns. You might already be familiar with using they/them pronouns for referring to a group of people, but these gender-neutral pronouns can also apply to a single individual who doesn’t use he/him or she/her. While you cannot determine someone's gender or sexual orientation solely from their pronouns, individuals who use they/them might be nonbinary, intersex (someone with anatomical traits that don’t align with traditional male or female categories), transgender, or identify in other ways.
- Example: “I’ve known Alex since high school. They’ve been my best friend ever since.”
- Example: “Julie loves movies, so I got them a gift card to the theater for their birthday.”
- Neopronouns are newer, typically gender-neutral options that can replace they/them. Examples include ze/zem/zemself and ey/em/emself.
- If someone uses both he/they or she/they, it means they use both sets of pronouns interchangeably. People may prefer one set more than the other.
Who Can Use They/Them Pronouns?
Anyone, regardless of their gender expression or identity, can use they/them pronouns. Even if someone appears more masculine or feminine, they might still choose not to use gendered pronouns. It's important not to assume someone's pronouns based on their name or appearance.
- Example: On a dating platform, you might simply find “they/them” listed in their profile.
- Example: In an email signature or on Slack, you may notice “(they/them)” after the person’s name.
- If you are unsure of someone’s pronouns, you can always use they/them or their name until you learn more.
How Can You Determine Someone’s Pronouns?
Simply ask the person what pronouns they prefer. If you're uncertain about someone's pronouns, don’t hesitate to ask directly. It's not disrespectful; think of it like asking for their name! You can also start by sharing your own pronouns to make the other person feel more at ease about telling you theirs.
- Example: “I just want to confirm—what pronouns do you use?”
- Example: “I’m David, and I use he/him pronouns. What pronouns do you use?”
- If a person isn’t comfortable sharing their pronouns, that’s perfectly okay—don’t pressure them. You can simply refer to them by their name instead of using any pronouns.
What should you do if you make a mistake with someone's pronouns?
Quickly apologize and correct yourself without dwelling on it. If you use the wrong pronouns by accident, avoid over-apologizing. Simply say sorry, adjust to the correct pronouns, and continue the conversation. By swiftly moving forward, you demonstrate respect and support for the person’s identity.
- Example: “I can’t wait for you to meet him—sorry—them. They’re hilarious, and you’ll get along great.”
- Avoid justifying your mistake or making excuses. Over-apologizing can make the situation feel uncomfortable and shift the focus away from the person. While misgendering can be painful for someone, a brief, sincere apology followed by the correct pronouns can help them feel understood again.
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For more resources and information on gender identity and sexual orientation, check out GLAAD, The Trevor Project, or the Human Rights Campaign.
