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Get expert tips on managing manipulative people
Interacting with manipulative people can be emotionally draining and harmful. Tactics like gaslighting can make you doubt your own perception of reality, while other manipulative strategies can leave you feeling anxious and guilty. In many situations, ignoring a manipulative partner, friend, or loved one might seem like the best escape, but this can trigger them to escalate their behavior. We’ll guide you through what you can expect when ignoring a manipulator and how to effectively handle the situation for good.
Key Things to Understand
- A manipulator may react aggressively to being ignored, possibly starting a smear campaign against you or bombarding you with calls and messages.
- They might also try to involve your friends or family, using guilt to persuade you to reach out to them.
- The best way to cut ties is to be straightforward and clear about your intentions, offering a brief explanation.
Actionable Steps
What Happens When a Manipulator Is Ignored
They might start spreading malicious rumors about you. Known as “smear campaigns,” manipulators may attempt to ruin your reputation by spreading false rumors or lies. In some cases, this tactic is used to control the narrative or make themselves appear more favorable.
They try to make you feel guilty to get you to reach out. Guilt-tripping is a manipulation technique that seeks to make you feel responsible for something you’re not. If you resist their manipulative efforts, they may:
- Give you the cold shoulder, hoping you’ll initiate contact.
- Use guilt-laden statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you, is this how you repay me?” or sarcastic remarks like “Oh, that’s really mature of you.”
They might bombard you with texts and calls. Manipulators sometimes flood you with an overwhelming number of messages to get under your skin. In extreme cases, they could send dozens or even more than 100 messages to grab your attention.
They could go to great lengths to reach you. An ignored manipulator may resort to unusual methods to grab your attention, such as interacting with one of your old social media posts.
They may try to involve others in your personal disputes. Some manipulators attempt to drag people from your inner circle—such as close friends or family members—into the conflict to gain an advantage. For instance, they may try to win over your parents or siblings, hoping it will force you to engage with them again.
They may act like nothing has happened. The manipulator might initially give you space and acknowledge the end of the relationship, only to reach out later as though nothing ever went wrong. When they contact you, they will avoid addressing any past issues and pretend everything is fine.
- “Hey, it’s been a while! Want to grab drinks tonight?”
- “What’s up? Let’s hang out soon.”
They might fabricate a crisis to re-establish contact. Manipulators may invent a dire situation, such as claiming to be suicidal or inventing an emergency, in an effort to pull you back into their control. This tactic allows them to regain power while also receiving attention.
- They might fabricate a story about a parent’s serious illness or a recent car accident.
They may resort to physical or verbal abuse. When ignored, some manipulators may escalate their behavior to abusive extremes in an attempt to retaliate. Physical abuse involves any act causing physical harm, like slapping, choking, or kicking. Emotional and verbal abuse can include financial control, public humiliation, threats of self-harm, and other harmful tactics.
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They may decide to move on from you. One of the key objectives for many manipulators is to maintain control over their targets in order to prevent themselves from losing power. However, once you stop engaging with their manipulative behavior, they might cut ties and look for easier individuals to manipulate.
How to Handle a Manipulator
Establish firm boundaries with the manipulator. Make it clear what kind of behavior and language is unacceptable to you, and don't hesitate to point out when they overstep those boundaries. The sooner you set these boundaries, the more effective they will be as you enforce them later.
- “I’m open to discussing this with you, but I won’t tolerate being guilt-tripped. If you continue this way, I’ll have to end the conversation.”
- “It bothers me when you make passive-aggressive remarks. I won’t engage unless you express yourself directly.”
- “It’s uncomfortable when you drag our friends and family into our personal issues. Please address me directly if there’s a problem.”
Steer the conversation by sticking to the topic. A manipulator may try to shift the conversation away from the main issue and into a subject they can control or manipulate. When this happens, firmly bring the conversation back to the point you were originally discussing.
- “Please don’t change the subject.”
- “We can talk about that later, but right now I need to focus on what you said yesterday.”
- “Let’s finish what we were discussing before moving on.”
Respond to the manipulator with empathy. Empathy involves understanding your own emotions and using that awareness effectively in your interactions. While you don’t need to agree with everything the manipulator says, you can try to understand their perspective and acknowledge their feelings.
- Practice active listening by allowing them to express their thoughts and maintain eye contact during the conversation.
- You could say something like “I don’t completely agree with you, but I can see how frustrating that must be for you.”
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Remain as composed as you can when dealing with them. Manipulators often seek to disrupt your peace and create negative emotions. Take away their control by staying calm and focused during interactions. You can use relaxation techniques such as:
- Visualization: Picture yourself in a peaceful environment, like a serene park, and immerse yourself in the sensory details to deepen the calmness.
- Deep breathing: Breathe deeply through your nose and slowly exhale through your mouth for a few minutes to regain calmness.
Talk to your friends about what you're experiencing. Share your situation with a close friend or loved one—describe how the manipulator behaves and what they say. Your support network might offer valuable perspectives or advice from their own experiences to help you handle this frustrating challenge.
Reflect on your emotions when you’re around a manipulator. Manipulators often thrive when they create feelings of guilt, doubt, or fear. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them. If you often experience negative emotions, it may be helpful to reflect on why you’re feeling this way and seek clarity.
Put the manipulator's actions in context. While a manipulator’s behavior can be disheartening, it's essential to understand that their actions reflect more about them than they do about you. In many cases, they’re simply trying to fulfill their own desires, like gaining power or control, by using you.
End the relationship by providing a clear explanation. When you choose to end the relationship, make sure to keep your words brief and firm. Express your feelings honestly and make it clear that the relationship is over. Don’t give the manipulator an opportunity to argue—simply state your reasons and conclude the conversation.
- “I can no longer tolerate how controlling and obsessive you are. I’m ending this relationship.”
- “Spending time with you makes me feel awful about myself. I believe it’s best we part ways.”
- “We may be family, but you treat me with nothing but disdain. I can’t continue to interact with you.”
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 1255 Mytour readers, and 72% agreed that the best way to handle a manipulator is by cutting off or reducing contact. [Take Poll]
If the manipulator threatens you, create a safety plan. Your personal safety and well-being should always come first, particularly if the manipulative person is threatening or making you feel unsafe. Develop a plan that ensures your safety and reach out to someone you trust to inform them of the situation.
- If you live with a manipulative person, consider staying with a friend until you can leave safely.
- If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you are not alone. Many resources are available to help, such as HelpGuide, WomensHealth, KidsHealth, National Domestic Abuse Hotline, and Love Is Respect.
What traits make someone manipulative?
They seek power and control. Fundamentally, manipulation revolves around dominating a situation—manipulators want to control the narrative and make things happen according to their desires. They’ll achieve this through any means, even if it requires influencing the thoughts, emotions, and perceptions of others.
- Manipulators dislike being in situations they can’t control and prefer situations they can predict and manage. For instance, someone might pretend to be ill in order to manipulate their partner into staying home rather than going out to a social event, where they can’t predict the outcome or assert control over others.
They’re compensating for their own insecurities. Many manipulators struggle with low self-esteem or have used manipulation as a coping mechanism in various social settings, such as during their upbringing.
- Not all manipulative behavior is intentional—these patterns can emerge from early family dynamics that were later carried over into new relationships.
- Manipulators need to recognize that their negative behaviors stem from their unresolved inner struggles and take responsibility for addressing the deeper emotional needs driving these actions.
Certain mental health conditions may lead to manipulative behavior. Disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can often encourage individuals to behave manipulatively. For example, those with BPD may go to extreme lengths to avoid what they perceive as abandonment.
- Certain attachment styles can also foster manipulative behavior. For instance, an insecure attachment style might prompt someone to test their partner’s commitment by abruptly ending the relationship.
- If you suspect a loved one might be struggling with a mental health issue, encourage them to seek professional help.
Important Takeaways
Your mental and emotional health should always be a priority. Everyone deserves respect and kindness. If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries and manipulates you, it’s your right to assert yourself. Even if it feels difficult initially, you deserve to surround yourself with people who treat you with care and consideration. Here are some affirmations to help you feel more empowered:
- I deserve to be treated with respect.
- I have the right to my personal time.
- I can choose to accept or refuse whatever I wish.
- I am allowed to disagree with others.
You can only control yourself and your own life. Ultimately, we don’t have control over others—only over ourselves. While you can’t dictate how a manipulator behaves, you can manage the influence they have on your life. Setting boundaries or even cutting ties with them might be a powerful way to regain control over your own situation.
Manipulators will eventually move on if they can’t control you. There are many reasons someone might manipulate, including past experiences, certain mental health conditions, or a deep need to feel in control. However, a manipulator is unlikely to continue targeting someone who is unaffected by their tactics and will eventually seek out a new person to manipulate.
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Handling a manipulative individual in your life can be difficult, even long after they’ve gone. Consulting a therapist can be a helpful way to process your experiences and start the journey of understanding and healing from them.
