What is Alterous Attraction?

Alterous attraction refers to a yearning for emotional intimacy that is semi-romantic in nature. It occupies a unique space between romantic and platonic attraction, sometimes even standing as its own distinct category. You might desire a connection that goes beyond friendship but doesn’t quite reach the level of a romantic partnership. While romantic attraction often involves sexual desire and platonic attraction is strictly non-sexual, alterous attraction blends elements of both. This type of attraction can be experienced exclusively, occasionally, or directed towards a specific individual. It may also involve limited romantic feelings, typically without intense romantic desires.

• You can use “alterous” to define your sexual orientation. This label indicates that you primarily experience alterous attraction and seldom or never feel full romantic attraction.
• It’s also possible to feel alterous attraction towards some people while developing deep romantic feelings for others. In such cases, “alterous attraction” describes a specific type of attraction rather than your overall orientation.
• Terms like “bi-”, “pan-”, and “demi-” can be combined with “alterous” to further define your orientation. For instance, a bialterous person might feel alterous attraction towards both male and female partners. The suffix “-flux” can also be used to indicate fluctuations in the intensity of these feelings.
• An alterous “crush” is often referred to as a “mesh.”

Alterous attraction can be part of the “aromantic” spectrum. Aromantic individuals may experience sexual attraction but rarely or never feel romantic emotions (though they can still experience platonic love). Those who identify as alterous, however, experience a form of attraction that lies somewhere between platonic and romantic. Since this attraction differs from traditional romantic feelings, some consider it a variation of aromanticism.

• Not everyone who identifies as alterous considers themselves aromantic. For example, some may feel alterous attraction towards certain individuals and romantic attraction towards others.
• It’s important to note that “aromantic” and “asexual” are not the same. Asexual individuals experience little to no sexual attraction, while aromantic individuals may still feel sexual attraction but lack romantic feelings.
• If you’re unsure whether you identify as aromantic, take Mytour's Am I Aromantic Quiz to explore your preferences further.

The term “alterous” was first introduced in 2015 on a blog discussing the aromantic spectrum. It was suggested by a reader on the Tumblr page “Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week.” The reader defined “alterous” as an “attraction characterized by a desire for emotional closeness, where neither romantic nor platonic labels feel accurate.” The term is intended to serve as an alternative to “romantic” or “platonic.”

• “Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week” is an annual event held in February to raise awareness about aromanticism.

The initial Alterous Pride Flag features four stripes: yellow, gray, pink, and red. Designed in 2016 by the Tumblr user @alterous-albatross, each color holds specific meaning. Yellow symbolizes “platonic” attraction, gray represents the “gray area between romantic and platonic,” pink stands for “affection,” and red signifies “romantic” attraction.

• The creator was motivated to design the Alterous Pride Flag due to the lack of representation for the alterous community at the time.

Other Alterous Flag designs feature similar colors and typically have 4-6 stripes. The most widely recognized is the original 4-stripe version with yellow, gray, pink, and red. Several 5-stripe variations exist, incorporating colors like yellow, orange, dark blue, light blue, pink, red, purple, or white. A 6-stripe version showcases a gradient transitioning from yellow to pink from top to bottom.

• Some designs include symbols like hearts, diamonds, or other shapes over the stripes. The 6-stripe version, for instance, features both a heart and a diamond.
• Certain flags integrate colors from other pride flags. For example, the “bialterous” flag may include purple, blue, and pink stripes inspired by the bisexual pride flag.

The term has sparked debate, and its precise definition remains a topic of discussion. Some argue that the concept of “alterousness” diminishes the significance of platonic attraction. Others, however, embrace the term as a distinct form of emotional intimacy, separate from both platonic and romantic attraction. They view it as equally intense as romantic attraction but not rooted in the same sexual desires.

• While a general understanding has developed since the term’s introduction, the definition of “alterous” may continue to evolve over time.

You have a deep emotional bond, but it doesn’t feel like being “in love.” You care deeply for them and may even love them, but you haven’t developed traditional romantic feelings, nor do you expect to in the future. They hold a special place in your life, but you don’t experience the typical “butterflies” or excitement associated with romantic love.

• You might trust them completely, sharing your thoughts and feelings, just as a romantic partner would, and they might do the same with you.

They’re not a romantic partner, yet they mean more to you than a friend. You spend significant time together, sometimes leading others to assume you’re a couple. Despite your closeness, you don’t view them as a romantic partner, and that’s perfectly okay. You might not even desire a traditional romantic relationship, and that’s entirely valid!

• Identifying as alterous doesn’t prevent you from dating or forming relationships. For example, you and an alterous partner might choose to be in a committed relationship.

You might engage in sexual activity without it leading to romantic feelings. There could be strong sexual chemistry between you, and physical intimacy might even strengthen your emotional connection. However, this hasn’t translated into romantic feelings—and that’s perfectly fine.

• While you might develop romantic feelings for some people, others may only evoke alterous or sexual attraction. The type of attraction you feel can differ depending on the person.

Think about consulting a therapist who specializes in LGBTQIA+ concerns. A qualified therapist can assist you in exploring and understanding the types of attraction you feel and how they connect to your identity. Look online for therapists in your area who focus on LGBTQIA+ clients. If no local options are available or you prefer not to meet in person, consider therapists who provide telehealth services.

• If you have health insurance, contact your provider to locate an in-network therapist. This can help reduce out-of-pocket costs.
• Seek out therapists who offer sliding scale fees if you lack insurance or can’t find an in-network provider.
• Platforms like 7Cups and BuddyHelp are excellent free resources where you can connect with supportive listeners.

Engage with online communities for individuals who identify as alterous. Sign up for Reddit and join the r/aromantic subreddit, where you’ll find numerous discussions about alterous attraction. Tumblr and YouTube also host content exploring alterousness. Share your thoughts, ask questions, and connect with others who experience similar forms of attraction.

• If you already use Reddit, Tumblr, or YouTube and wish to maintain privacy, consider creating separate accounts for discussing alterous topics.
• Platforms like Q Chat Space and TrevorSpace offer safe spaces to connect with supportive members of the LGBTQ+ community.