What is the Three Loves Theory?

The 3 Loves Theory posits that each of us experiences 3 significant loves in our lifetime. This concept is rooted in the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher, who identified 3 essential stages of a healthy relationship: lust, intimacy, and, ultimately, commitment. Her research laid the foundation for the 3 Loves Theory, which suggests that, on average, we encounter 3 major loves throughout life, each one becoming more fulfilling as we grow and discover what we seek in relationships.

• The origin of the 3 Loves Theory is somewhat unclear, though it seems to be based on Fisher’s work.
• Fisher’s theory shares similarities with Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which claims that a healthy relationship contains three primary elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

First love: Lust The initial love in the 3 Loves Theory is often referred to as puppy love. It’s intense, overwhelming, and typically occurs when we’re young, impressionable, and dealing with a surge of hormones. Like a firework, it’s dazzling, intense, and brief, driven primarily by raw physical attraction. However, it’s short-lived, as it’s mostly based on primal urges rather than compatibility.

• The onset of love is frequently sparked by sexual attraction, but attraction alone does not create a lasting relationship.
• This first love usually fades as both partners begin to understand themselves and each other more deeply, realizing that their initial passion doesn’t always translate into long-term compatibility.

Second love: Intimacy After the fleeting intensity of your first love, you become older, wiser, and more aware of the fact that lasting relationships require more than just a physical connection. The second love might begin with sexual attraction, much like the first, but it’s about far more than that—it’s when you and your partner truly connect on a deeper, emotional level. Despite this, second loves often don’t last because, while the intimacy feels genuine and the closeness is undeniable, the relationship lacks lasting commitment.

• According to the theory, your attachment to the second love tends to be stronger than to the first, as it’s built on more than just lust—you share common interests and genuinely enjoy being around each other.
• However, this love is often fueled by the excitement of newness, which fades over time. As the relationship grows stale, the passion tends to dwindle, and the relationship eventually ends.
• The second love doesn’t account for how people evolve over time. If you and your partner begin to grow in different directions or face significant challenges, like a job loss or illness, the relationship may struggle to survive based solely on compatibility.

Third love: Commitment The third love goes beyond just sexual attraction and compatibility; it is about a deep, lasting commitment to each other—both in the present and for the future. While in your second love, you may feel committed to each other for the moment, the third love extends beyond the now. It is grounded in wisdom, understanding that life will bring challenges, and that true love isn’t just about 'vibing'—it’s about making a conscious decision to love one another.

• The third love may involve serious thoughts about shared futures, such as buying a house together or starting a family.
• Couples in the second love might also consider settling down, but since their relationship is often driven by passion and focused on the present, their commitment to a future together is typically weaker.
• Couples in their third love may experience such profound emotional and physical closeness that their bond is so deep they feel like extensions of one another, even syncing their heartbeats over time!

According to Sternberg’s theory, love consists of 3 primary components. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love differs from the 3 Loves Theory in that it focuses on a single love relationship, rather than the progression of three distinct loves throughout a lifetime. Sternberg proposes that a complete, healthy love requires three essential elements: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

• Sternberg’s model is often mistaken for the 3 Loves Theory, but his triangle provides a valuable insight into what the third love in the 3 Loves Theory looks like: it encompasses sexual attraction and compatibility, but its foundation lies in the commitment to love each other over merely the emotional experience of being in love.