Buzz
Occasional arguments are completely normal in a relationship—no relationship is without its flaws. If your boyfriend is upset with you at the moment, don’t panic. Check out the following tips to help you make up with him. You’ll learn how to communicate and understand what made him upset, solve the issue, and continue nurturing your relationship once the tension has passed.
Steps
Give him some time and space to cool off
He may be so exhausted and frustrated right now that it’s impossible for him to resolve anything. You’ll probably want to clarify everything right away, but if he’s not ready, you need to respect that. Both of you should take some time to calm down and think things through. Once he’s ready, you can have a more rational conversation. You could say:
- "I know you're upset, so arguing right now isn’t going to help. Let me know how much time and space you need before we can talk about this again?"
- If you can't stay quiet for a few days, you could suggest texting him every 1-2 days to check in and see if he’s doing okay.
- During the time apart, respect his privacy. Avoid checking his social media for 'clues' or asking your friends to investigate.
Find out what made him upset
Has he suddenly gone quiet with you? You might not have had any major arguments; everything seemed fine, but today he’s acting a little strangely. Clearly, something is bothering him—but what exactly? Don’t jump to conclusions. You can’t solve a problem without understanding what the problem is, so ask him directly what’s wrong.
- You could say: "I know you’re upset with me, but I honestly don’t know why. Can you tell me so I can fix it?"
- If he’s not ready to talk, it’s best to respect his wishes. Things will be easier to work through when he’s ready to share.
Listen to his perspective with an open mind
Try putting yourself in his shoes to understand the issue. Give him the space to express everything he wants to say without interrupting. By doing so, you’ll hear all of his thoughts and feelings about the situation between you two. If you have questions, wait until he’s finished speaking. For now, focus on listening and try to see things from his perspective.
- If you interrupt or jump in to defend yourself before he finishes his point, he may feel like you don’t care about his thoughts.
Acknowledge his feelings
You can acknowledge his feelings without agreeing with his perspective. He may not fully understand the situation, so his point of view could be flawed, but you can still understand why he’s upset. Simply show empathy for his feelings without having to agree or admit fault. You can say:
- "I understand why you're feeling overwhelmed and confused. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel the same way."
- "I’m glad you’ve told me how you feel. I had no idea you thought that way. Now I understand why you’re upset with me about this."
- "I get why you feel this way. Thank you for sharing it with me."
Explain your perspective
Now it’s your turn to share your side. If there’s information he doesn’t have, now is the time to tell him. If you made a mistake, own up to it—don’t blame him or make excuses for your actions. Use "I" when talking about your feelings, as using "you" can sound accusatory. For example, you could say:
- "I know I should have told you about attending that party. Not saying anything probably made you overthink. I just didn’t want you to worry. I spent the whole evening with Hoa and Chang, and we were taking care of each other."
- "I felt a little left out when you chose to hang out with your friends last Saturday instead of having a date with me. I trust you and want you to have fun with your friends, but I shouldn’t have texted you so much, making you upset. I shouldn’t have done that."
Apologize and take responsibility
If you were wrong, take responsibility. It may not be easy, but admit your mistake and sincerely apologize to him. Don’t try to justify your actions—if you were wrong, you have to own up to it. Whether he forgives you depends on how genuine your apology is, so make sure it’s heartfelt. You could say:
- "I’m truly sorry for what I said to you. I was so upset that I didn’t think about my words. I promise I’ll never do that again."
Pay attention to tone and language
We often use absolute terms like "always" and "never". These words can make the listener feel accused (even if that’s not your intention), and he will feel like you’re condemning him. Softer terms like "sometimes" and "It’s not that you always do this, but yesterday…" sound much gentler.
- For example, instead of saying: "You never listen to me," you could say: "I feel like sometimes you don’t really listen to what I’m saying."
Reach a compromise to solve the issue
Agree on a solution that works for both of you. If you’re arguing about who picks the restaurant or what to do over the weekend, consider taking turns. If he picks this week, then next time it’s your turn. Try to find a solution that satisfies both sides. For instance:
- If you're arguing about whether to hang out with your friends or his friends over the weekend, you could alternate plans: go out with your friends on Friday and his on Saturday.
- If he’s frustrated with always paying for food, gas, and drinks during dates, you could suggest splitting the bill.
Accept disagreements if a compromise isn’t possible
You don’t need to "win" every argument. If you and your boyfriend can’t resolve a small issue, it’s often best to let it go. After all, is it really worth spending so much time and energy on a minor matter? You don’t always need to have the final word or reach complete agreement to move past it.
- After a week, will this argument even matter? If you and he can’t agree on something that’s not a big deal, it’s okay to hold on to your differing views. What’s important is that you and he are still together.
Make amends if possible
If you can’t undo what happened, try to make up for it in other positive ways. For example, if you’ve lost, borrowed, or damaged something of his, you can replace it with a new one. Buying a replacement may not solve all the issues, but it’s a kind gesture that he will appreciate.
- If you borrowed his favorite hoodie and ruined it, consider buying him a new one. You could get the same one or even one that’s nicer, or you could offer to let him pick out one he likes.
Avoid repeating similar issues
You can’t change the past, but make every effort not to repeat it. A heartfelt apology is important, but it’s meaningless unless backed by action. See each conflict as an opportunity to understand him better and grow closer. For instance:
- If he’s upset because you’ve been texting with an ex, promise not to do it again. You could even delete their contact and unfollow them on social media. You can’t change what happened, but you can still resolve the issue.
Talk to someone if he often gets angry with you
Does he get upset or start arguments without reason? Just because he "snaps" at you doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. If he intentionally picks fights with you, then blames or punishes you for it, that’s a form of manipulation and abuse. It’s important to confide in someone you trust to hear their perspective.
- If you live in the United States and don’t have anyone to talk to, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for advice and support. For direct texting, visit their website at https://www.thehotline.org/.
