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The mother-child relationship is one of the most unique bonds in life, which is why it feels especially painful when her words cause emotional harm. You might be unsure how to react or what to say to her, but don’t worry—we’re here to help. This article offers expert advice on what to say to your mother and how to take care of yourself during such moments.
Steps
Stay calm
Take deep breaths to manage your emotions and soothe yourself. It’s normal to feel anger rising when your mother says something harsh, but avoid reacting immediately or arguing back—instead, take a few slow, deep breaths to regain composure. You can visualize a calming scene or simply step out of the room to find some personal space.
- If leaving the house isn’t an option, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine a place that makes you feel safe and happy. Use all your senses to bring that scene to life.
Consider why your mother said those things
Understanding your mother’s thoughts and feelings can help you communicate better with her. Before talking to her, ask yourself why she might have said what she did. Take a moment to reflect on her perspective and emotions. This can make the conversation between you two smoother.
- For example, think about your mother’s childhood or how she was raised. She might be dealing with unresolved trauma and unsure how to cope. This way, you might realize her hurtful words stem from an inability to cope rather than anger toward you.
Tell your mother that her words hurt your feelings
Express your emotions to let her know you’re hurt. It might feel scary or overwhelming to approach your mother and discuss what she said, but this is a significant step. Stay calm and use a respectful tone—this makes it easier for her to listen. Explain why you’re upset and what you’d like to change.
- Use “I” statements to avoid putting her on the defensive. For example, “When you say you’re disappointed in me, I feel worthless,” or “I feel a lot of pressure when you call me useless.”
- This might be difficult or intimidating, but you can start small—even a short sentence like “I feel really sad when you yell at me” can highlight the harm in her behavior. With practice, you can build longer and deeper conversations.
Don’t overthink what your mother says
Create emotional distance between you and your mother to protect your feelings. If your mother repeatedly hurts your emotions and says harmful, thoughtless things, it might be time to establish some distance. Practice detaching your emotions from her words. If you can’t physically leave, mentally separate yourself by repeating helpful mantras like:
- "I am not responsible for my mother’s emotions."
- "I don’t need my mother’s approval."
- "I won’t let my mother’s words cause me pain."
Set boundaries with your mother
Identify behaviors you want your mother to stop and establish consequences for her actions. You might feel like you have no control over your relationship, but you can set boundaries. These boundaries are for you—you’re standing up for yourself and declaring her behavior unacceptable.
- You can say, “If you don’t stop yelling at me, I won’t talk to you anymore,” “Please don’t use hurtful words with me,” or “I won’t tolerate being insulted.” Consequences might include not responding or leaving the house.
- If you set boundaries to assert your independence, it’s crucial to follow through. For example, if you say you need time for yourself after school but will be home for dinner, make sure to return on time. This demonstrates your maturity.
Develop a positive mindset
Take care of your mental health by stopping harmful negative thoughts. If your mother often says hurtful things, you might start believing them unless you change your perspective. If you catch yourself thinking, “Maybe I’m a terrible person,” stop and tell yourself, “Actually, I’m kind and good.” Repeat these positive affirmations until you believe them.
- For example, if you think, “I feel like I’m always being criticized,” tell yourself, “I may not be perfect, but I’m doing my best.”
- Turn a negative thought like “I feel angry and unloved” into “I know I am lovable and capable of self-soothing.”
Prioritize self-care
Hearing hurtful words is not an easy experience. Stop focusing on your mother—you can’t change her, but you can make positive changes in your own life. Aim to get enough sleep, stay active, eat healthily, and do things that are good for you! Here are some helpful ways to practice self-care:
- Meditation
- Learning a skill you’ve always wanted to try
- Spending time outdoors in nature
- Treating yourself to your favorite coffee or dessert
Spend time with supportive people
Surround yourself with people who love and respect you to feel valued. Step away from the stress and pressure of interactions with your mother. Reach out to friends and loved ones who genuinely care about you—even a call or text can make you feel better. If comfortable, share about your relationship with your mother, or simply enjoy being around people who love you for who you are.
- If you’re unsure who to talk to or want to connect with others who’ve had similar experiences, consider joining a support group for children of toxic parents. You can find these groups online or through a counselor’s recommendation.
- To build a support network, join an activity or club where you can meet new people with shared interests.
Talk to a trusted adult if you’re being abused
Seek help if your mother is physically abusive or if you fear for your safety. If you feel your mother is toxic and abusive, you need to prioritize your well-being. Reach out to someone who can assist you, such as a school counselor, a relative, or a teacher.
- For example, if your mother yells and throws objects, find a safe place and call a relative to pick you up.
- Don’t hesitate to call the national child protection hotline at 111 if you fear for your safety. If you can’t call emergency services, go to a public area and ask someone to contact a counselor or help you. In the U.S., you can call 911 or visit a facility with a "Safe Place" sign for assistance.
Seek professional help
Talk to a therapist to help you process your emotions. It’s natural to feel hurt and lonely when your mother treats you poorly. You might not know who to talk to about your complicated relationship, but there are people you can rely on! A therapist or school counselor can guide you on how to communicate with your mother or help you move forward if you decide to leave the relationship.
- You can speak with a personal therapist or find someone specializing in family conflict. If you’re still in school, talk to a school counselor to help you find the support resources you need.
Forgive your mother when you’re ready
Let go of anger and resentment to move forward. Forgiveness is complex—it’s not something you can force yourself to do. You’ll know you’re ready to forgive your mother when you no longer need her approval and when you’re in control of your own happiness.
- You don’t have to verbally express forgiveness, but you can say, “I’m no longer upset by what you said. I hope we can move past this.”
- You might simply realize you’ve moved past the hurt your mother caused and forgive her in your heart.
