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Being betrayed is one thing, but being betrayed while pregnant is a completely different matter. Surprisingly, it is quite common for men to cheat when their partner is expecting. As both partners are experiencing significant psychological and physical changes, one might resort to an extramarital affair, even though this is obviously not ideal. However, you are not alone. Many women who are pregnant are facing the same situation. If you've recently discovered your boyfriend’s infidelity, take a deep breath and continue reading to learn what actions you can take. This article is based on an interview with psychotherapist and author Kelli Miller.
Steps
Confront Your Boyfriend About His Behavior
If you haven't already discussed this with your boyfriend, it’s important to have an open conversation with him. If you’re not 100% sure that he’s cheating (maybe you’ve only found suspicious messages), ask him to sit down and have an honest conversation about it. Hopefully, you both will be able to have a candid and sincere discussion about the matter.
- You can start by saying: “I’ve noticed something unusual with you lately. Can we talk about this?”
- Then, you could follow up with: “It feels like we’ve been disconnected lately, like you’re not paying attention to our relationship.”
- Your goal is to make him aware that you know he’s hiding something behind your back. If he denies it but you’re certain of the betrayal, it might be best to end the relationship. However, if he admits it and apologizes, you could consider forgiving him and working things out.
Don't Rush Your Decision
Being betrayed can be emotionally devastating, but avoid making any hasty decisions. Although you may feel an immediate urge to break up and move on, take a moment to think things through. You need to consider various factors, especially while pregnant. Making decisions in the heat of anger and emotional turmoil could lead to regret. If possible, give yourself a little time before deciding how to handle the situation.
- You will feel sadness, hurt, anger, and even numbness—and that's okay. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without suppressing them.
Give Yourself Some Space
Ask your boyfriend to leave or stay with friends or family. If you're living together and sharing the same space, it will be hard to find a resolution. Take a few days (or even a few weeks) apart so you can think about your relationship and determine the next steps. This time apart will give you the space to figure out what you truly want and reflect on the relationship as a whole. Additionally, it will allow you to escape the tension and give yourself a chance to relax.
- Since you’re pregnant, it’s best for you to stay home while he moves out. This way, you won’t have to pack up your things, and you can relax in your own space.
- If neither of you has anywhere to go, consider letting your boyfriend stay somewhere else for a few nights.
Don't Blame Yourself
Although you may sometimes feel like the fault lies with you, remember that when someone betrays you, it's never your fault. We often blame ourselves when the person we love ends up loving someone else. However, remember that he had countless opportunities to address his issues with you instead of starting a relationship behind your back. If the problem lies between the two of you, he should have had an honest conversation with you rather than turning to someone else and deceiving you.
- Even if you're pregnant, that should never be an excuse for infidelity. Many couples manage to overcome the challenges of pregnancy together in a loving and healthy way. It's definitely not your fault that your boyfriend chose the wrong way to deal with those issues.
Prioritize your own health
Stress can significantly affect both your health and the health of your unborn baby. Take the best possible care of yourself during your pregnancy. Don't forget to attend regular check-ups and consult your doctor if you notice anything unusual, and try your best to care for yourself.
- If you need someone to take you to your appointments, don't hesitate to ask friends or family members for help.
- Consider talking to your doctor about the stress you're experiencing. They might be able to provide you with helpful support when you need it most.
Choose a neutral space to have a calm conversation with your boyfriend
Since he is the father of your unborn child, there are many important matters you need to discuss with him. Even if you don't plan to get back together with him, you still need to talk about the childbirth, visitation rights, and his role as the father. Try to find a neutral place to have this conversation, like a friend's house, so that both of you can speak in the calmest way possible.
- When speaking to him, you could say: “I just went for a check-up, and the baby is healthy. I'll be giving birth in about a month, and I still haven't decided whether I want you in the delivery room, so I need some time to think about it.”
- Alternatively, you could say: “When the baby is born, I think we'll split the childcare costs. You can visit the baby, but you'll need to come with someone else, like your mom or my mom or dad.”
- If you're not ready to talk about your relationship, that's okay too. Just make it clear that you’re there only to discuss the baby, not your relationship.
End the relationship if you can’t forgive
Not everyone can overcome the shock of betrayal, and that’s perfectly fine. If you feel you can no longer trust your boyfriend, you have every right to end the relationship. However, keep in mind that you may still need to communicate with him occasionally due to your shared child.
- If you decide to break up, you should contact a lawyer to discuss child support agreements when the baby is born.
- You should also consider whether you want your boyfriend to be present during the birth. The decision is completely yours—if you don’t want him there, there’s no obligation for him to be in the room.
Seek counseling to continue the relationship
This is one of the best ways to heal after infidelity. If you both decide to give your relationship another chance, consider seeing a counselor together. In these sessions, you can express your feelings about what happened, explore why it occurred, and receive unbiased advice from a third party.
- Experts agree that overcoming infidelity is very challenging without the help of a therapist. If both of you truly want to try again, it’s best to seek professional guidance.
Try to rebuild trust with him
This will take some time, but you can learn to trust someone again after they've betrayed you. It’s certain that you won’t be able to do this overnight, but if your boyfriend truly regrets his actions and wants you to trust him as you once did, he will prove to you that he loves only you and will rebuild your trust once more.
- The best way to rebuild trust is to have regular, honest, and open conversations. Share your feelings and discuss what both of you will do to heal the relationship and build a future together.
- Your boyfriend should also offer you a sincere apology before you can forgive him and begin learning to trust him again.
Maintain your daily routine
Eat healthily, get enough sleep (at least 8 hours), and engage in light physical exercise every day. You may not feel like focusing on these things right now, but maintaining a daily routine during stressful times is crucial. Moreover, by sticking to these habits, your brain will switch to automatic mode, helping you forget about the tension with your boyfriend (at least for a while).
- If you'd like, you can add stress-relieving activities like meditation or yoga to your daily routine.
Seek help from friends and family
Friends and family can be reliable sources of support during this time. If you live close to them, give them a call and ask for their company. You can share what’s been happening with them or simply spend time together to distract yourself from the sadness. If you need help around the house, you can ask them to cook for you or do small chores while they visit.
- If you decide not to continue your relationship with your boyfriend (which is entirely possible), you will need the help of friends and family when the baby arrives. Ask if they can assist with taking care of you for a while after birth.
Talk to a psychologist
They will help you balance your emotions and determine the next steps. You should schedule an appointment and talk to them about what you’ve been going through, as well as your feelings and mood. You can also discuss your relationship with your boyfriend, your thoughts on the baby, and future plans.
- A psychologist will always find the best approach to help you love and trust yourself more.
