Buzz
Explore how being shy can actually enhance your appeal to women
Although dating and forming connections might feel a bit different for someone with a more introverted nature, their shyness can be a significant strength, setting them apart from the more outgoing types in the dating world. We spoke with dating experts and matchmakers to dive into the age-old question, “Are shy guys attractive to girls?” and to uncover the advantages (and potential drawbacks) of dating while shy, along with tips to make those strengths work for you.
Important Insights
- Many women are drawn to shy guys because of their calm, mysterious vibe and their thoughtful personality.
- Shy guys often foster deeper, more meaningful connections, and getting to know them over time can be incredibly rewarding.
- To practice dating as a shy person, start small by having casual, low-pressure conversations with strangers, and think of some good topics to discuss before your date.
Actionable Steps
Are shy guys attractive to girls?
Absolutely, many girls are drawn to shy guys! Women don't just prefer one type of guy—the charming, outgoing extrovert. Everyone has their own idea of the perfect partner, and many women are captivated by the quiet, reserved types. Shy guys bring a unique set of strengths and advantages that other types of partners might not offer.
- As dating expert John Keegan says, “Don’t compare yourself to your outgoing friend…Just recognize that you are an interesting person [with] your own unique personality [and] way of connecting with others, and there are many women or people who will want to connect with you.”
Benefits of Being Shy
You come across as more mysterious. Shy guys tend to hold back a lot of their emotions and thoughts, making them less transparent. Because they don’t immediately open up, they often give off an aura of mystery and intrigue. This quality can be incredibly attractive to girls, who will be eager to uncover the real you, piece by piece.
You build stronger connections. As it takes time to truly get to know a shy guy, there’s a deeper investment from both sides. The more time you spend together, the stronger the bond becomes, leading to a more meaningful attachment than a relationship where everything is laid out quickly with no mystery left.
Shy guys tend to be more intimate. Shy guys don’t usually rush into bringing someone home every night, and that’s actually a positive trait! It shows that they value genuine, meaningful connections and treat those moments with the attention and care they deserve. If intimacy does happen, it’s understood to be something special, rather than a fleeting, forgettable experience.
Shy guys are often more loyal. You’ve probably heard the expression “Never marry a railroad man,” implying that they’re away from home, causing their romantic interest to stray. The same can be said for outgoing guys. However, shy guys tend to put more focus into their relationships, remaining dedicated and faithful, which women often recognize and appreciate.
You’re a profound and intriguing thinker. One of the greatest advantages of shy guys is that they take time to think before they speak, unlike many other guys. A date with a shy guy is bound to be filled with captivating conversations, offering fresh and insightful ideas that leave a lasting impression on her even after the evening ends.
- This also makes you an excellent listener, which women truly value—appreciating when a guy gives them his undivided attention and thoughtful consideration.
You’re less intimidating. And that’s actually a good thing. Many guys put on a macho act that often ends up being more off-putting than impressive. Shy guys, on the other hand, allow women to get to know the real them, slowly revealing their personality, without the need to navigate an exaggerated masculine front on every date.
- You’re likely more polite and courteous compared to your more extroverted peers, and that’s a huge advantage.
You’re less likely to cause embarrassment or trouble. Outgoing or extroverted guys sometimes find themselves in sticky situations due to the things they say or do, leaving their date feeling uncomfortable. In contrast, a shy guy is more socially aware and thoughtful, ensuring that a date with you will always be enjoyable, respectful, and relaxed.
- You also don’t feel the constant need to be the center of attention, which can become tiresome for a girl.
Shy guys are independent and follow their own path. If you're shy, you're likely also a bit of a free spirit. You take the time to consider things carefully and probably have a number of unique hobbies and interests that those who are more “social” may not share.
- This can be a big advantage in the dating world, as you stand out from the crowd of guys who tend to have similar interests.
Challenges of Being Shy
It can be tough to make the first move. Dating and relationship expert Mark Rosenfeld explains that “shyness can sometimes be mistaken for avoidance, especially when it comes to intimacy.” This can make it hard for a girl to recognize your interest at first. As a shy guy, it’s often helpful to make the first move to send the right signal, though this is no easy feat.
- That's why it's essential to show interest! Rosenfeld adds, “If the guy doesn’t respond to your signals, it’s best to assume he's not that interested or not ready for a relationship at the moment.”
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 996 Mytour readers about how they'd approach a shy guy to show interest, and 74% said they would start by becoming his friend first. [Take Poll]
You might miss some dating cues. Shy guys are usually quite socially aware in their own right, but when it comes to a date, nerves can cloud their ability to pick up on social signals. This simply means you may need to focus a little more on staying calm and tuning in to the girl, so you can better gauge your next move.
You tend to overthink things. It’s common for a shy person to spend so much time thinking and worrying that they end up second-guessing themselves when it’s time to actually speak with a potential partner. Nervousness can easily take over, and one small mistake can feel like a big setback.
- It's crucial to remember that everyone gets nervous, and many girls actually find nervous guys charming, as it shows they care deeply about making a good impression.
Dating as a Shy Person
Get comfortable talking to strangers to sharpen your communication skills. Engaging in conversations with people, even if they’re strangers, can help you build confidence for when you need to talk to someone you're romantically interested in. Dating expert Mark Rosenfeld suggests that you “focus on starting conversations and making it a habit to interact with everyone.”
- Try having casual chats with people you encounter daily, like older individuals, baristas, bartenders, or fellow customers. The more at ease you become with offering simple remarks or compliments, the easier it will be to approach a girl you like.
- You could start with something like, “Do you know the weather forecast?” “I love your bracelet, where did you find it?” or “Isn’t that piece of art on the wall amazing?”
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Coach
Relationship Coach
Approach practice conversations with an open attitude. Try to stay relaxed and enjoy the experience of chatting with people. After all, positive social connections often begin with a curious and open-minded approach!
Prepare some conversation topics in advance. Keeping the conversation flowing in real-time can be difficult, so it's helpful to have a few ideas in mind. Rather than rigidly sticking to a list, think of a variety of potential subjects to bring up when things start to slow down.
- For example, you might want to ask about her job, what she enjoys doing in her free time, any books or movies she's recently experienced, or whether she has any upcoming events she's excited about.
- And remember to make eye contact, smile, and keep your posture relaxed to stay approachable and at ease.
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Pay attention to your appearance for a stronger first impression. While your personality plays a key role, how you present yourself can say a lot before you even speak. Dressing well on a first date shows a girl that there's more to you than your shyness, and that you're a guy who takes care of himself.
- For most first dates, keep your outfit simple yet stylish. Opt for a clean semi-formal shirt, tailored pants, and a pair of well-maintained shoes.
- Don’t forget the basics: shower, brush your teeth, and style your hair to show you’ve put in the effort.
Go at your own pace, don’t feel pressured to rush. Relationships take time to develop. As a shy guy, it may take you longer to form a connection, but that makes it even more meaningful when it happens.
- If you feel most comfortable with short, casual dates, stick to them! Over time, you might find yourself opening up more and spending longer periods with her.
- And don’t let one bad date discourage you. Everyone has their off days. It’s all part of the process—meeting more people increases your chances of finding the right one.
Let her share by asking questions and keeping the conversation flowing. If talking about yourself feels intimidating, let her take the spotlight by asking thoughtful questions and showing genuine interest in her responses. This way, you stay relaxed, and she knows you're fully engaged in the conversation.
- Follow-up questions like, “What happened after that?” “What made you feel that way?” or “How did you handle it?” help keep the discussion going smoothly.
- Remember, a balanced conversation is key! Don’t shy away from her questions or dominate the conversation. It’s a mutual exchange in dating.
Use dating apps to build a connection before meeting in person. For shy individuals, online dating is a great way to ease into a potential relationship. It allows you to get to know someone in a more comfortable, low-pressure environment before you meet face-to-face. Start by chatting with your dating app matches to form a rapport, then suggest an in-person meet-up once you’re both more familiar with each other.
- Certified life coach and matchmaker Christina Jay recommends arranging virtual dates to help ease the tension. Consider trying a video call or watching a movie together online if that feels more natural for you.
Double dates or group outings can help reduce the pressure. Sometimes, having a few friends around can take the focus off of you and make things feel more relaxed. Plan a double date with a friend and their partner, or invite a girl to join a group activity. This way, you can enjoy each other’s company without the intensity of a one-on-one setting.
Be open about your shyness and vulnerability. Shyness isn’t a flaw—it’s just part of who you are. Don’t hesitate to let the girl you like know that you’re a little shy. This sets the right expectations and she’ll appreciate your honesty, possibly even finding it endearing.
- You could say something like, “I’m a little shy, but I really enjoy spending time with you,” or “I tend to be introverted, but you’re so easy to be around.”
- Don’t apologize for being shy—there’s no need to apologize for your personality, and doing so can put her in an uncomfortable position of having to reassure you.
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Shyness and introversion are two different things! Shyness involves being reserved in social situations, while introversion refers to a preference for recharging away from social interaction.
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Keep in mind that girls are people, too! Just as there are shy guys, there are shy girls. Recognizing this can help you connect more easily and open your mind to different possibilities.
