Buzz
Additionally, how to approach him about it
If you’ve caught your husband (or boyfriend) checking out images of other women on social media or other popular online platforms, it's completely normal to feel puzzled, hurt, or even betrayed. While this could potentially indicate he’s compensating for something missing in your relationship, understand that this behavior is common and might not be a cause for concern. In this article, we’ll discuss the reasons why men engage in this activity, what it likely means to him, and how you can express your boundaries and stop the behavior if that’s your choice.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, founder of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC. Check out the full interview here.
Key Points to Remember
- If he’s casually browsing women on social media, he’s likely just admiring their looks without getting emotionally involved.
- If he’s fixated on pornography or particularly drawn to one woman, it could signal an addiction or emotional infidelity.
- Discuss his viewing habits with your husband to understand why he’s looking at these photos and express how his actions make you feel.
Guidelines
Why Your Husband Looks at Women Online
It could simply be a physical attraction, with no deeper meaning. If you’ve ever admired the looks of an attractive guy, your husband might be doing exactly the same. There may be no emotional connection to the person he’s looking at—even if it seems unlikely to you. For some men, a pretty woman is just a pretty woman, and that’s where it ends.
- If your husband tells you he was just admiring an attractive woman and that’s all and he doesn’t have a history of lying or sneaking around, you can probably trust him.
He could be curious about how an ex or an old friend is doing. Did you notice him scrolling through photos of an old girlfriend or someone he used to know? This could be his way of revisiting a relationship with the “one who got away,” but more likely, it’s just innocent curiosity. Social media makes it easy to check up on old friends, so he might just be catching up.
- That being said, it might raise red flags if he seems overly fixated on a woman from his past. It’s not reasonable for him to be “checking in” on someone multiple times a week, for example.
He may not see anything wrong with his actions. It’s possible that he genuinely doesn’t understand why it’s upsetting. He might be so confident in your relationship that he doesn’t see how looking at other women online could harm your marriage.
- This is especially likely if he isn’t trying to hide his actions.
He might be dealing with a porn addiction. If this has been a recurring issue and he seems unable to stop watching explicit content online, he could be struggling with a compulsive behavior. Pornography addiction is a serious challenge for many men, and he may need support in addressing it. Thankfully, by seeking therapy and confronting the issue directly, he might be able to change.
- Dealing with pornography addiction can be as tough as dealing with any other form of addiction. It requires time, effort, and a lot of self-reflection.
He might be emotionally unfaithful. Emotional infidelity refers to forming a deep, secret connection with someone outside your relationship. If he is fantasizing about being with the woman he’s viewing online, and his feelings and thoughts extend beyond just fleeting fantasies, he might be veering dangerously away from the boundaries of your marriage.
- While he could also be physically cheating with this person, it’s less likely if he’s just looking at pictures. However, it may be worth investigating if he shows other signs of cheating.
Talking to Your Husband About It
Talk to your husband about your concerns if his behavior is bothering you. Request a calm, honest conversation with your husband and approach the talk in a constructive, measured way. Express how you’re feeling and ask him to openly explain why he’s looking at other women online. If it’s something you’re uncomfortable with, request that he stop.
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Use 'I' statements to express your feelings. Speaking in 'I' terms helps prevent the conversation from sounding like an accusation or attack, focusing instead on your personal emotions. This makes it easier for him to connect with how you're feeling.
- For instance, instead of saying, “You’re not interested in me anymore,” try saying, “I feel unattractive and neglected when I don’t receive the same attention these pictures do.”
- Rather than saying, “You’re cheating on me with these women online,” you might say, “I feel unloved when you look at these women online.”
Understand why you’re upset with him to get to the root of the issue. Often, the problem isn’t the photos themselves—it’s what they represent. You might feel that he’s neglecting your needs or that something is “off” in your relationship. It’s crucial to address these feelings and talk openly about them.
- For example, you may not be as bothered by the photos if you didn’t already sense that your relationship is drifting. You might say, “It just feels like another sign that we’re not as connected as we used to be.”
Ask him to reduce or stop his viewing for your sake. If directly asking him to stop makes you uncomfortable, you can ask him to keep his viewing habits private and less frequent. Your husband should have no issues with agreeing to this request.
- Whether or not it’s reasonable to ask him to stop completely depends on the nature of your relationship. If you both value autonomy and personal space, this might be an unreasonable demand. However, if you frequently establish clear boundaries with each other, this would be a fair request.
Give him a clear ultimatum if he refuses to seek help for the issue. If he has a serious issue with viewing pornography or images/videos of other women, it’s acceptable to set a firm expectation that he seeks help. If he refuses to make changes and this is severely affecting your relationship, it might be time to consider a separation. This might be the wake-up call he needs to change.
- This is a drastic measure, but it’s necessary if you no longer feel safe or secure in your relationship.
Let it slide if it doesn’t bother you much. If, after thinking about it, you feel this isn’t a significant issue, it’s completely fine to let your husband do his thing. This might also be the best option if you’ve talked to him about it and he gives you a reasonable and reassuring explanation that suggests he isn’t overly invested in the photos he’s viewing.
Is it typical for married men to look at other women?
It’s fairly common for men to look at other women online. Almost everyone will come across attractive photos on the internet at some point, even if they aren’t actively searching for them. This includes explicit photos or pornography. About 70% of men will look at this content while in a relationship, so it’s a widespread behavior.
- There’s a difference between casually looking at someone and staring at them in a disrespectful manner in front of you.
- Just because this behavior is fairly typical doesn’t mean you’re wrong for feeling upset or suspicious. Every relationship has its own set of rules, boundaries, and norms; if he has crossed one of these lines, it’s not acceptable.
It may not be a huge issue if he’s simply admiring someone’s beauty. You two are married, and the strength of your relationship is more meaningful than a random photo online. That doesn’t mean your husband can’t notice someone else’s attractiveness—it’s perfectly fine! It’s the same for you, isn’t it? Do you ever get a little excited when you watch a Ryan Gosling movie or an Usher music video? That doesn’t mean you love your husband any less or find him less appealing!
- However, this doesn’t give him a free pass to view anything he wants. If he’s watching explicit pornography, it’s damaging to your relationship, or if he’s looking at inappropriate photos (like explicit images of women he knows or even children), that’s absolutely unacceptable.
It becomes a serious issue if your husband does something that upsets you. Even if simply viewing photos doesn’t seem harmful, it becomes a problem if he continues to do things that hurt your feelings. It doesn’t matter what others do or what’s considered “natural”—your husband shouldn’t engage in actions that cause you distress.
- Try not to overthink it if this is the first time something like this has happened in your relationship. He might not have realized his actions were upsetting or inappropriate.
