Buzz
In recent months, unprecedented access has been granted to the CIA's internal operations, with 13 million declassified documents made available in a searchable online database. Meanwhile, WikiLeaks has been releasing one of the largest collections of confidential documents in history.
While many of these files reveal dark and unethical schemes, some contain surprisingly ordinary details that often go unnoticed. These documents showcase a different, more human side of the CIA. Not every action by the CIA is part of a grand, sinister plot—some are downright absurd.
It turns out that the individuals behind this secretive organization are just like everyone else—equally prone to foolishness, geekiness, and vanity.
10. The CIA’s Hacking Team Is Full of Nerds
When WikiLeaks unveiled the CIA’s covert hacking initiative, they released the entire searchable database utilized by the CIA team to develop their software. This database uncovered a long-concealed truth: the CIA team is filled with huge nerds.
The leaked files are packed with JPEGs of memes and nods to popular culture. One tool is named after a World of Warcraft trading card, while another, inspired by the Philosoraptor meme, features a raptor pondering, “If a zombie outbreak occurs in Vegas, would it remain in Vegas?”
Another program, named after Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights, operates in tandem with Cal, a companion program. The developer notes, “Cal is RickyBobby’s best friend,” adding, “SHAKE N BAKE!”
One file contains a compilation of “awesome tool names” that the developer expresses a strong desire to use someday, describing them as “awesome.” Examples include placeholder names like “Awesome McToolname” and “Starving Weasel.”
The developer emphasizes that the latter is a nod to a Weird Al song. In the comments, a coworker agrees, noting that it brings to mind an exceptionally good punk band.
9. The CIA’s Manual on Identifying Homosexuals
In 1980, the CIA authored and circulated a manual on detecting homosexuals. While it seems unbelievable upon reading, they were entirely earnest about its contents.
“Few, if any, personnel investigations are as intricate as those involving homosexuals,” the guide cautions. Identifying a homosexual, it states, requires “the complete array of investigative methods.”
The author advises against assuming someone’s sexual orientation based on appearance. The guide notes, “very few employees arrive at work wearing eye makeup,” which, apparently, was once a method the CIA used to identify gay men before this document was created.
However, there are certain indicators. As this guide, penned by well-compensated intelligence experts, asserts, homosexuals often drive foreign cars. Additionally, many gay men enter “front marriages” with lesbians to conceal their involvement in what the guide describes as “activities too shocking to imagine.”
The CIA suggests that the most effective way to detect a homosexual is through the use of gay “passwords.” The guide insists that only homosexuals are familiar with terms like “gay,” “straight,” and “bi.” If a potential agent recognizes these words when questioned, it is definitive proof of their homosexuality.
8. Uri Geller and The Stargate Program
During the 1970s, Uri Geller, an Israeli magician, captivated global audiences by seemingly bending spoons with his mind. His act was so convincing that many believed he possessed genuine psychic abilities—until Johnny Carson debunked him as a fraud on live television.
Before his appearance on The Tonight Show, Geller visited the CIA, where he was hired as a “psychic warrior.” The agency was so persuaded by his abilities that they invested millions into experiments to test his psychic powers. They isolated him in a room, drew images on paper, and tasked him with replicating them.
It’s bizarre to imagine the US government dedicating resources to testing TV psychics. Stranger still, Geller excelled in the tests, accurately reproducing nearly every image or coming remarkably close. The CIA was thoroughly convinced, concluding that he had “displayed his paranormal perceptual abilities in a clear and convincing manner.”
Geller maintains that much remains undisclosed. He alleges that the CIA paid him to use his psychic powers to erase Russian floppy disks and even explored whether he could stop a heart or detonate a nuclear bomb using only his mind.
7. Your Annoying Colleagues Might Be CIA Saboteurs
During World War II, the CIA published a manual titled “Simple Sabotage,” which provided detailed instructions on how to undermine the Nazi war effort from within without being detected. While this might sound thrilling, the reality is far less dramatic than one might expect.
Most of the advice simply involved performing poorly at work. For employees, it included tips like: “Using a file too quickly will cause it to wear out prematurely” and “Spend as much time as possible in the restroom.”
Managers were advised to “speak often and at length, using lengthy anecdotes and personal stories to make your points.” The guide also recommended that saboteurs “argue over the exact wording of communications, meeting minutes, and resolutions” whenever possible.
Each suggestion sounds more like the behavior of an irritating colleague than a covert saboteur. One piece of advice, in particular, could have summarized the entire guide: “Pretend to be clueless.”
6. CIA Performance Reviews Are Absurdly Unconventional
A selection of CIA employee performance reviews was included in the declassified files, revealing that the agency issues some of the most peculiar evaluations imaginable.
The reviews vary widely, from lukewarm remarks like (“Subject manages to maintain a neutral outcome”) to effusive praise for extraordinary feats (“He successfully held a three-hour conversation in a language he had no prior knowledge of”).
Some remarks, such as praising an employee for her “countless hours of unpaid overtime,” reveal more about the CIA’s work culture than they might prefer. Others are baffling, like the review that simply states, “She remains unflappable.”
As shown above, the highest compliment a CIA agent can receive is: “He handled stubbing his toe with remarkable composure.”
5. The CIA Takes Offense When Comedians Mock Them
During a classified CIA meeting in 1968, Director Richard Helms expressed deep concern over an issue. “The Director mentioned that Mort Sahl had apparently criticized the Agency on The Merv Griffin Show the previous day,” the meeting minutes state, “and instructed Goodwin to secure a transcript.”
Mort Sahl was merely a comedian, but after that meeting, the CIA began monitoring his every move. They started compiling every newspaper article that referenced Sahl, documenting each instance he mocked the agency, likely reporting directly to Helms.
One detail stands out and invites speculation. It might just be a crease in the scanned document, but it strikingly resembles someone scratching out Mort Sahl’s eyes.
A particular document reveals why the CIA harbored such disdain for Sahl. It’s easy to imagine the agent’s frustration when, on a seemingly harmless article, they angrily underlined the word “beatnik” beneath Sahl’s photo multiple times.
4. Collaborating with Drug Addicts
The CIA has previously been exposed for collaborating with LSD users. However, we rarely consider what such a work environment must entail. After all, working with acid means interacting with individuals who use it.
One such individual was Alfred Matthew Hubbard, a key figure in the rise of LSD, earning him the nickname “Johnny Appleseed of LSD.” While rumors of his CIA ties persisted, it’s now confirmed that, at minimum, they were in communication.
When Hubbard discovered the CIA’s involvement with psychics, he sent a letter expressing his desire to participate. The letter doesn’t clarify his intentions, but it does reveal how the CIA perceived their interactions with him.
The CIA responded, “Frankly, we are a bit puzzled.” Hubbard had begun discussing psychics before veering into incoherent ramblings about power. By the end, they were left utterly confused about his goals.
Hubbard needed a friend to communicate on his behalf, but even the friend admitted he couldn’t fully grasp Hubbard’s intentions. The friend cautiously explained, “His creative process is so unique that I’m not certain he knows what he’ll achieve.”
Despite this, it appears the CIA likely accepted Hubbard. As his friend noted, Hubbard wasn’t seeking financial support—he simply wanted legal approval to use LSD and explore whether it could unlock psychic abilities. Since it didn’t cost the CIA anything, granting a drug addict full security clearance seemed like a low-risk move.
3. The Quest to Locate UFOs
One of the most significant revelations from the CIA’s declassified documents was the confirmation that they had been monitoring UFOs. The world was convinced that the CIA knew far more about extraterrestrials than they publicly admitted.
However, upon closer inspection of the documents, it becomes clear that the CIA’s knowledge is limited. They’ve held meetings about UFOs, gathered images of UFOs, analyzed those images, and even produced guides exploring whether aliens have truly visited Earth.
Yet, the CIA doesn’t appear to have definitive answers. They possess the same images that conspiracy theorists circulate, and their documents focus on determining the authenticity of these phenomena rather than concealing them. While a few agents seem to believe in aliens, the majority remain skeptical.
If the truth about extraterrestrials exists, the CIA seems just as in the dark as everyone else. But if you’ve ever dreamed of turning your fascination with the National Enquirer’s tales of little green men into a career, the CIA might be your ideal workplace.
2. Crafting Jokes About the Soviets
One declassified CIA document is simply a collection of jokes, explicitly marked for delivery to the CIA’s deputy director. While it’s possible these were CIA-created jokes intended to undermine Communism, it seems more likely that the deputy director simply enjoyed a good laugh.
The jokes include:
An American boasts to a Russian about the freedom in the United States, claiming he can stand in front of the White House and shout, ‘To hell with Ronald Reagan.’ The Russian responds, ‘That’s nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, ‘To hell with Ronald Reagan,’ too.’
A worker waiting in a liquor queue says, ‘I’ve had enough, save my spot—I’m going to shoot Gorbachev.’ Two hours later, he returns to reclaim his place. His friends ask, ‘Did you get him?’ He replies, ‘No, the line there was even longer than this one.’
A man walks into a store and asks, ‘Do you have any meat?’ The saleslady replies, ‘No, we don’t have any fish. It’s the shop across the street that’s out of meat.’
1. Documenting Their Most Exclusive Parties
Much of the CIA’s online archive consists of newspaper clippings, and it’s often unclear why they were preserved. However, the sections the CIA highlighted occasionally reveal their significance.
Several articles highlight high-profile events attended by the CIA director. Like a doting parent, someone meticulously underlined sections mentioning the director’s name alongside celebrities such as Mick Jagger and Donald Trump.
One of the most annotated articles is titled “CIA Chief: A Cool, Cool Master Spy.” While it mentions classified CIA initiatives like the U-2 Project, it’s clear the article wasn’t preserved for its sensitive content.
Instead, the annotator focused on phrases like “spectacular achievement,” “triumphs,” and “greatest accomplishments,” leaving one to wonder who was behind the pen.
