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In 1690, John Dunton launched the Athenian Mercury in London, a publication created to address 'all the most curious and peculiar inquiries.' It is considered the world’s first advice column.
Any literate individual could submit questions on a wide range of topics, from the philosophical and scientific to the personal. One inquiry asked about the origin of the wind, while another sought advice about a wife’s excessive drinking. In a particularly memorable submission, a man wondered why a horse’s 'fundament' was round yet it produced an 'oblong excrement.'
Presented below is an edited collection of 10 fascinating submissions to this advice column, along with the responses given to the writers. These questions offer a glimpse into the daily preoccupations of people living over three centuries ago.
Please note that the questions and answers are taken from the Athenian Oracle, which compiles all of the Athenian Mercuries. For easier readability, we’ve omitted the quotation marks and italics typically used in these instances.
10. Young Men in the Past Shared Concerns Similar to Today’s
Q. It is my unfortunate circumstance to have red hair. I am in love with a lady who has an intense aversion to that color. My affection for her is overwhelming, and I believe I could win her love if only this issue were resolved.
I do not expect a permanent transformation of my hair, but I ask for advice on how to make it brown for 15 or 16 days, so that neither sweat nor rain will wash it out. After that, I would like to repeat the process, as if she discovers the truth after marriage, her dislike will be just as disastrous for me.
A. We believe it is not impossible to have your hair stained or dyed by a skilled practitioner using ingredients so potent that it would remain until your hair grows out. However, for the rest of your hair, since it will occasionally peek out, your head will eventually resemble a bullfinch’s, with two colors. In that case, we know of no solution other than to repeat the procedure.
9. Remedy for Hearing Voices
Q. There is a gentleman who has long been under the delusion that people are constantly speaking to him with an audible voice, sometimes one person, sometimes another, each threatening to bring about his ruin in some way.
Gentlemen, I seek your opinion: is it possible for individuals to converse with him from a great distance, in a manner that would not be heard by nearby friends who possess keen hearing? Where might this delusion originate, and what methods are effective to cure and eliminate it?
A. We have heard many convincing tales of individuals speaking with spirits, but we neither understand how such a thing could occur nor can we definitively disprove it.
However, we are most inclined to believe that this notion arises from some affliction in the mind, being nothing more than a result of a melancholic imagination, often brought on by physical illness and sometimes by a lack of engaging conversation. Regardless of its origin, the most effective way to address it is by taking medicine, getting fresh air, and socializing with pleasant company.
8. A Clairvoyant Dog
Q. I seek your opinion on the following account: My father had a dog that he kept for many years. During this time, I lost two brothers and one sister. It was noted that on the day before each of their deaths, the dog would wander about [90 meters (300 ft)] from the house, direct its nose toward the church where they were buried, and howl in an eerie, disturbing manner for over an hour. When my father passed away, the dog repeated this same behavior.
It appears that this dog possessed some prophetic knowledge regarding these events. Gentlemen, your insight on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
A. We cannot provide a definitive explanation for hundreds of such occurrences, some of which we are convinced are true. All we can say is that something unnatural must be involved, for what power in nature could allow a dog to foresee (or rather, foresmell) such tragic events?
7. Not The Best Husband
Q. I am a married man, but due to my wife’s grave illness, we have been separated for several years, and I have no intention of living with her again. Now, I seek your counsel: may I pray to God to take her to Himself so that I may pursue happiness with another?
A. If she is worthy of heaven, she is surely worthy of you. If she was as virtuous while you lived together as she is now, why did you part ways? It would be more fitting to accept God’s will with patience, or better yet, pray that He might convert her, rather than asking to have her taken from you in such a state.
6. Or The Best Wife
Q. I have been married (God help me) for five years to a woman who falsely claims to be a widow and runs a public house. She drinks excessively and becomes violent with me when intoxicated, nor can I justify her actions when she is sober, which is a rare occurrence.
She insults me with the most vile language—calling me a rascal and a cuckold—and does so openly in front of all the guests at her house. I cannot claim any authority in this household, for I must admit, it is she who truly wears the trousers.
She takes all the money spent in the house and refuses to give me a single penny. She has already moved several hundred pounds out of the house and won’t provide any explanation, instead declaring her intention to drive me into debt as much as she can, so that I may rot and perish in a prison (O loving wife). For mercy's sake, I ask for your advice on how, if possible, I can change her mindset for the better.
A. Alas! If even half of this is true, you are in a terrible situation and need the aid of all good-hearted husbands. Our advice will be brief—repairing your dear spouse seems impossible, much like trying to fix an old coat with a new one.
Therefore, your best course is to gather three or four strong, honest fellows to help you. Take your beloved wife and lock her away in an attic until you have sold all your household belongings, then escape to the countryside where she cannot find you (if you value your nose, ears, and all your possessions), and live peacefully at a safe distance from her. Since it seems she has already feathered her nest so well, there’s no fear of her lacking for resources.
5. Google Didn’t Exist Back Then
Q. I have been engaged in a debate with a gentleman who insists, contrary to common belief, that the Thames freezes from the bottom up. Despite all the philosophical and logical arguments I presented, I failed to persuade him otherwise. Please, gentlemen, share your opinion on this matter as soon as you can.
A. All observations indicate that water does not freeze from the bottom first; instead, the freezing begins at the surface. The cause of freezing is the presence of nitrous air. Fish tend to move to deeper waters in the winter to escape the cold, and any swimmer can tell you that water near the surface is always at a different temperature compared to the deeper layers.
4. The Simplest Things Weren’t Well Understood
Q. Why is it that some men do not grow beards?
A. A lack of heat and the natural balance of the body. When there isn’t sufficient heat to open the pores for hair to grow, the moisture that typically encourages hair production redirects itself to other parts of the body better suited to handle it.
3. A Timeless Question
Q. What is love?
A. Love, and you’ll understand. Let us offer the best explanation we can of this passion, which we are somewhat familiar with. It’s a blend of friendship and desire, held together by the principles of honor and virtue.
Friendship is the essence or soul of love, while desire forms its material part, and honor, if you like, is the force that unites them and makes the bond whole. Love stands as a bridge between pure friendship and intense desire; it’s warm enough to prevent friendship from growing cold, but not so intense as to consume everything in flames.
2. Simple Pleasures Were Questioned
Q. I am 19 years old and have often been encouraged by my friends to learn to dance. However, I question its lawfulness and would appreciate your opinion on the matter.
I believe it originated with the pagans, who danced before their gods at the altars during sacrifices. Furthermore, it seems to weaken piety, foster improper thoughts, and might even break the Seventh Commandment. I would greatly appreciate your swift response.
A. Dancing seems quite natural. It’s hard not to move in joy, as the body naturally follows the rhythm of one’s spirit and blood. We could just as well argue that feeling itself might be a sin.
Regarding the weakening of piety, this must be due to fostering improper thoughts or squandering time—neither of which are inevitable results of dancing, much like courtship to someone you intend to marry.
However, if you find that such negative effects occur, you should avoid public dancing, though you may still take private lessons from a master in your own chamber, for there is a time for both leisure and work.
1. A Frightening Time To Live
Q. I am familiar with an event that occurred recently—a gentleman who was robbed suspected one of his servants. The innocent servant, in turn, suspected another person, and to clear his name, he sought the help of a sorceress.
As he made his way there, he was approached by a woman who spoke to him: 'I know where you are headed. Come with me, and I will reveal to you who stole your master's money.'
The servant followed her, and she revealed to him the form of the thief, which so shocked him that he passed away from the terror within three or four days. What are your thoughts on this incident?
A. We believe this to have been either the Devil himself, who is seldom idle in such matters unless prevented by a higher power, or at the very least a witch acting under the Devil’s influence, who provided the unfortunate young man with both information and power. As for his death due to fright, such occurrences are not uncommon.
