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Zimbabwe, a nation just 37 years old, has endured enough hardship to last a lifetime. With a ruthless leader and deep-seated corruption, the country's troubles show no signs of abating.
This captivating and scenic land is working hard to reclaim its past wealth, all while the authoritarian Robert Mugabe remains at the helm. This task is made even more difficult without a stable national currency.
10. Beware of (Mrs.) Mugabe
Never one to avoid a challenge or a moment in the spotlight, Grace Mugabe is known for her fiery temper and powerful right hook. In 2009, she and her bodyguard savagely attacked a photographer. More recently, Mrs. Mugabe visited her sons in South Africa, only to find that her beloved boys were also entertaining a 20-year-old model.
Like any caring mother, Mrs. Mugabe resorted to whipping the model with a plug extension before fleeing the scene. Despite media reports claiming that South African police would track down the fugitive—and rumors of bribery attempts by the model’s family—Grace was granted diplomatic immunity and remains immune from prosecution.
9. Gukurahundi: A Genocide Backed by British Support
In the early 1980s, when Robert Mugabe ascended to power, not everyone was on board with the new regime. The country had just emerged from a vicious struggle against white domination, and dissent was rampant. The government had a well-known strategy for dealing with opposition: bullets and rape.
The elite Fifth Brigade of the newly formed Zimbabwean army (trained by North Korean commandos) brutally raped, tortured, and killed as many as 20,000 civilians in 1983. The British ambassador at the time remarked, 'Zimbabwe is important to us primarily due to significant British and Western economic and strategic interests in southern Africa, and its key location. Other notable concerns include investment and trade [ . . ] and the need to prevent a mass white exodus. Zimbabwe [ . . ] is also a stronghold against Soviet influence.'
So, that's acceptable then.
8. Zimbabwe Has No National Currency
You’ve likely heard about the catastrophic mismanagement that led to the collapse of the Zimbabwean dollar. It was officially abandoned in 2009, with the final notes being exchanged at a rate of $1 = Z$35,000,000,000,000,000. That’s the mind-boggling sum of 35 quadrillion.
Currently, for all imports into the country, you can use your own currency. The South African rand and the US dollar are frequently used, and it seems there are many years ahead before Zimbabwe achieves full currency status.
But who could have so disastrously ruined an economy that it was forced to issue 100 trillion dollar notes in the first place?
7. Oh No, It's Bobby Mugabe
He is often compared to modern-day leaders like Kim Jong-un and that al-Baghdadi guy from ISIS, or even Kony. If we focus on individuals who are completely off their rocker yet somehow manage to govern countries, Mugabe stands out as a prime example. A cheery blend of Leninist and Stalinist ideals, some of his memorable quotes include:
On Hitler: 'I am still the Hitler of this era. This Hitler has just one goal: justice for his people, sovereignty for his people, recognition of their independence and their right to their resources. If that makes me Hitler, then let me be Hitler ten times over. Ten times, that's what we stand for.'
On surpassing Jesus: 'I have died many times—that’s where I have outdone Christ. Christ died once and was resurrected once.'
On white people: 'The only man you can trust is a dead white man.'
So, yeah. And that’s before we even get into the things he’s actually done.
6. You Can Literally Get Away With Murder
Speaking of deceased white individuals, you may recall that there were many of them back in 2000. Robert Mugabe instructed his people to 'reclaim' the land from white farmers. As expected, this provoked resistance, leading to the outright murder of some farmers by squatters.
Mugabe recently stated, 'Yes, we have those who were killed when they resisted. We will never prosecute those responsible for their deaths. I ask, why should we arrest them?' It's comforting to know that when your victim resists, the solution is simply to kill them. They should just leave behind everything they’ve ever known. Ha, whitey is so foolish.
5. Turning the Tide on Life Expectancy
The average Zimbabwean man probably won’t be able to buy a Harley Davidson to ease the pain of his midlife crisis. Until recently, he also wouldn’t live long enough to even ride one, with life expectancy in 2006 at just 37.
This tragedy was driven by the dual devastation of AIDS and a prolonged economic collapse. Thankfully, thanks to significant progress in antiretroviral treatment and international aid, the average Zimbabwean now has a life expectancy of 60. Nevertheless, the period of crisis has created substantial demographic gaps that will take generations to heal.
4. Goblins: A Real and Present Danger
Aside from filmmaker Peter Jackson, not many people truly grasp the danger posed by goblins. In Zimbabwe, however, the situation is quite different. There, you can clear out an entire police station simply by showing officers goblins.
According to reports, due to a misstep by a 'traditional healer,' a goblin went on a rampage through a Bulawayo police station. Some claim it had the head of a dog and the body of a snake, while others describe it as dog-like but covered in scales. What everyone agreed on was the terrible stench, and eventually, the healer burned it.
'No one warned anyone it was time to flee. One moment, the charge office was packed, the next, it was empty. I think some officers escaped through the windows because there was no way we all could fit through the door. Heavyset cops and slimmer ones alike fled for their lives, screaming,' recounted a police officer who was present.
3. A Poor Country Steals from Itself
Imagine a country where interactions with public officials always come with the expectation of bribes. For even the simplest tasks, like installing an electricity meter or getting a house plan approved, corruption is rife.
The police are also involved, which shouldn’t surprise anyone familiar with law enforcement. Officers take bribes from drivers at roadblocks, and local government officials are no different. Together, they collect up to $1 billion in bribes annually.
The inevitable outcome is (as always) violent protests, which claim lives and give the government an excuse to impose increasingly harsh crackdowns. In totalitarian regimes, the state always finds a way to punish the people simply for wanting to live free from exploitation.
Good luck, Zimbabwe.
2. Worms for Victory
Mopane worms are actually caterpillars, the larvae of the emperor moth species. They’re commonly found on the mopane tree and are an essential part of the diet for many in the region. These creatures are highly cost-effective, with 3 kilograms (6.6 lb) of leaves producing 1 kilogram (2.2 lb) of worms, making them easy to farm and readily available.
This becomes particularly useful when, for example, a country purges much of its agricultural knowledge through a large-scale racist campaign. Consequently, many people in Zimbabwe rely on these caterpillars as a primary source of protein. Gram for gram, they have three times the protein content of beef and are considered quite a delicacy by those who appreciate such foods.
Yorkshire pudding might seem odd to some people too.
1. Don’t Be Gay Or Else
As is widely known, there are few things more repulsive than a goblin reeking of foul odor with the head of a serpent, but one such thing is certainly a homosexual. Robert Mugabe, with his staunch views, has never been tempted by the idea of sensual, well-toned male performers covered in oil. Not once has he been seen stuffing wads of 100 trillion dollar notes into the undergarments of a barely-legal male. Mugabe’s unwavering heterosexuality led him to make the bold statement that gay people deserve to be executed.
Speaking to a large crowd just before the 2013 election, Mugabe proclaimed, 'We will sever their heads. I’ve told them, they are worse than dogs and pigs. In fact, they are even worse than dogs and pigs. I keep pigs, and the male pig knows the female one.'
This is the essence of wisdom. While it’s clear that Robert Mugabe has never secretly ogled another man in a public restroom, there’s no concrete evidence to suggest he secretly uses Grindr. Such a claim would sound absurd if true. It’s safe to assume Mugabe doesn’t send explicit images to strangers or attend soccer games with a friend named Manny.
If he ever did spend time with such a companion, they would never engage in public displays of affection, and any photographic evidence to the contrary would clearly be forgeries. Robert Mugabe is certainly not deeper in the closet than Michael Jackson ever was.
