Buzz
We live in a world increasingly shaped by acts of terror. It feels as if every week brings shocking news of new atrocities in places like France, Turkey, or Indonesia. It's easy to imagine the globe swarming with trained killers, all poised to harm those we care about and our fellow citizens.
Fortunately, not all terrorists are experts. In fact, many are hardly even enthusiastic amateurs. Dig deeper into the ranks of jihadists, ultranationalists, and extremists, and you’ll discover would-be attackers so inept and foolish that the only logical reaction is to burst into laughter at their ridiculous attempts.
10. The Kangaroo Bomb Conspiracy
Though Australia has faced its share of Islamic terrorism, it thankfully hasn’t endured a catastrophe on the scale of San Bernardino or the 7/7 bombings. At least not yet. A 19-year-old named Sevdet Ramadan Besim, along with an accomplice, tried to change that. Their plan was to unleash chaos on Melbourne’s streets during Anzac Day, a national holiday that honors Australia and New Zealand’s fallen soldiers.
The consequences could have been catastrophic... if only Besim’s scheme hadn’t been so completely outlandish. Rather than drawing inspiration from the Paris attackers, Besim seems to have taken notes from old Warner Bros. cartoons. His bizarre plan involved packing a kangaroo with explosives, marking it with Islamic State symbols, and unleashing it on police officers.
This was a plan even Wile E. Coyote would deem “too ridiculous.” Kangaroos, surprisingly dangerous, would likely react violently to being loaded with explosives. And even if you could somehow radicalize one and turn it into a suicide bomber, there’s absolutely no way to train it to charge at a group of police officers.
We’d love to tell you that Besim’s plan failed because a kangaroo beat him senseless. Unfortunately, his capture was the result of the diligent efforts of Australia’s police officers.
9. The Taliban Leader and the Bounty Money
Have you ever found yourself in a tight financial spot and needed cash in a hurry? Most of us would probably suck it up and go to a payday loan service. Most of us aren’t Mohammad Ashan, though.
In 2012, Mohammad Ashan, a low-ranking Taliban commander in Afghanistan, desperately needed US dollars. So, like any wanted criminal, he did the unthinkable: he walked up to a military checkpoint and demanded the reward money for his own capture.
Though he was just a minor player, Ashan was a dangerous criminal. He had masterminded attacks on US and Afghan soldiers and was an expert in making IEDs. Strangely, the bounty on his head was a mere $100, an amount far too small, even by the standards of war-torn Afghanistan.
Despite all the reasons he should have stayed hidden, Ashan decided that $100 was worth the risk. He was quickly arrested by the Afghan military and handed over to US forces. Sadly for him, he never saw a single dollar of that reward.
8. The Sports Ice Pack Conspiracy
In 2013, a group of Islamic extremists in Birmingham, England, devised a sinister plan to kill as many people as possible. They used money raised by pretending to be charity workers to purchase hundreds of sports ice packs, hoping to extract the ammonium nitrate from them and create a massive bomb. Their goal was to carry out a killing spree that would make the 7/7 attacks seem mild in comparison.
If you're wondering why you’ve never heard of sports ice packs being used to make bombs, it’s because they aren't (at least not anymore). The packs they purchased contained absolutely no ammonium nitrate. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, since they only managed to buy one. In an ironic twist, their leader, known as 'Chubbs'—a housebound man weighing 146 kilograms (322 lb)—planned to fund their operation by gambling online. Unfortunately, one of his men, Rahim Ahmed, lost £3,000 when he went to make tea and left his bets running, and another £6,000 due to being a terrible gambler.
When they were finally caught, the group was so pathetic that the defense’s entire argument revolved around how sad their situation was. The attorney for the group argued that Chubbs, described as a 'lazy, overweight mummy’s boy,' was too insignificant for Al-Qaeda to bother with. In essence, the entire case relied on the idea that Chubbs was such a hopeless failure that the other terrorists wouldn’t want to associate with him. In the end, the group was convicted.
7. Michael O’Neill Blows Off His Leg
Not all ridiculously incompetent terrorists pledge allegiance to Allah. Take Michael O’Neill, a white supremacist from Niagara County, New York. In the summer of 2015, O’Neill was caught making pipe bombs in his stepfather’s garage. How did the police catch him? We’re happy you asked.
O'Neill was using a hot glue gun to seal the ends of his explosives, which he planned to load with nails to cause mass casualties. Somehow, the glue gun sparked a fire. O'Neill, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the best course of action was to stomp the fire out, repeatedly slamming his foot down onto his homemade bombs.
You can probably guess where this is headed.
The explosion that followed tore O’Neill’s leg off and gave the police a quick clue as to what this amateur terrorist was up to. They seized his bomb-making materials and neo-Nazi propaganda before rushing him to the hospital. At that point, they were probably more concerned about preventing him from blowing off his other leg than stopping him from harming anyone else.
6. Michael Stone’s ‘Performance Art’
Michael Stone, a loyalist terrorist from Northern Ireland, was convicted in 1989 for a gun and grenade attack at the funeral of three IRA members. After being sentenced to life in prison, he was released in 2000 as part of the Good Friday Agreement, which helped bring an end to the Troubles. However, it seemed that Stone missed the memo about the paramilitary conflict being over. In 2006, he plotted to storm the Northern Irish Assembly at Stormont and assassinate Sinn Féin leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness.
Although Stone was a trained killer, he managed to completely botch the Stormont attack in the most ridiculous way. After entering the building, he set off an IED and threw it down the hallway. The bomb landed just a few feet from Stone and failed to detonate. Not to be dissuaded, the would-be terrorist then drew a fake gun on security guards. They quickly subdued him and proceeded to knock some sense into him.
But the madness didn’t end there. When he finally made it to court, Stone claimed the entire episode was a work of 'performance art.' The judge, after taking one look at his long history of terrorism and comparing it to his nonexistent performance art background, threw the book at him.
5. The Mexican Cartel Conspiracy
Mexican cartels are terrifying organizations, and state-sponsored terror groups are equally fearsome. Now, imagine if these two powers decided to team up. The scale of destruction they could cause would be unfathomable.
That’s probably what the Iranian government had in mind when they assigned two agents to hire members of a cartel to kill the Saudi ambassador and bomb two embassies. Unfortunately, it turns out that hiring a cartel hitman isn’t as easy as walking up to the nearest Mexican and offering loads of cash. Yet, that’s exactly what the two Iranian agents decided to do.
Despite having no actual connections to the cartels, the Iranians attempted to arrange a meeting with a Mexican involved in the drug trade. Their efforts were a total failure. The only person they managed to contact was an undercover DEA agent embedded within the gang. He took their money, promised to assist, and then promptly reported both of them to the FBI.
After their arrest, Iran publicly denied any involvement, claiming that the arrests were simply a political maneuver by President Obama. The judge, however, was not convinced and sentenced the ringleader to 25 years in prison.
4. Foiled By Their Parents #1
In an alternate reality, the 'DC Five' would be infamous. A group of five young men from the outskirts of Washington, DC, they traveled to Pakistan in 2009 to carry out jihad. Their targets included a nuclear power plant, a military air base, US soldiers, and several 'soft' targets back in the States. They were ruthless, determined, and willing to die for their cause. They could have become notorious terrorists if it weren’t for one problem—their parents.
Aged between 18 and 24, the men apparently thought their parents wouldn’t notice if they skipped town without warning. That was a big mistake. All five boarded a flight to Pakistan just before Thanksgiving, without telling anyone. Had they just made up even a half-decent excuse, they probably would have gotten away with it. But when their parents realized they were missing, they immediately contacted the FBI.
What followed was an extensive international missing persons investigation that traced the men across the globe. Ultimately, they were captured in a village in Pakistan before they could carry out any attacks or even begin their training.
3. The Saudi Butt Bomber
Sometimes, a villain gets exactly what they deserve in such a way that it’s both deeply satisfying and utterly hilarious, making you realize that perhaps there is a higher power with a sense of humor. Meet Abdullah Hassan Tali al-Asiri, a suicide bomber with a vendetta against Saudi Arabia. In 2009, the 23-year-old devised a plan to assassinate Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, the head of the security service. But how could he possibly smuggle a bomb close enough to the prince to kill him?
Al-Qaeda had a creative solution. They persuaded al-Asiri to hide the bomb inside his own backside.
The absurd plan worked—up to a point. Al-Asiri managed to somehow insert the bomb into his body, likely during a painfully uncomfortable bathroom session, and arranged a meeting with the prince. He entered the prince’s office, shook his hand, and detonated the bomb.
At that point, things took a turn for the worse.
It turns out that your backside is a rather poor place to conceal an IED. Al-Asiri’s body absorbed the full force of the explosion, leaving him in pieces, while the prince emerged completely unharmed. The only consequence was that al-Asiri’s blood was splattered on the prince, making it look like something out of an *Evil Dead* movie. There’s no official word on the prince’s reaction, but we like to imagine him brushing off some intestines with a cool one-liner before continuing his day as if nothing had happened.
2. Foiled By Their Parents #2
London has become a prime target for jihadists, so when two teenagers from Newcastle decided to carry out a terror plot, the British capital seemed like the obvious choice. The 15-year-olds, whose names are withheld for legal reasons, planned to make pipe bombs and target iconic locations such as Buckingham Palace, the Houses of Parliament, and a shopping center.
Although the two teens were untrained, they had access to *The Anarchist Cookbook* and had gathered enough bomb-making materials to pose a serious threat. Their plan to attack a shopping center might have actually worked if it weren't for one unexpected obstacle—*their mother*.
While snooping around in her son’s room, the mother found a ‘suspicious’ substance and immediately called the authorities. It turned out to be harmless: crushed paracetamol, caffeine, and sugar. However, the police dug deeper and found bomb-making materials, anti-Semitic literature, and a detailed plot to target London. The attack was prevented, thanks to one sharp-eyed mom.
1. Aum Screws Up Bioweapons
You might remember Aum Shinrikyo, the disturbing cult responsible for the 1995 Tokyo subway gas attack, which killed 12 people and injured over 5,000. Aum was a genuine threat, even attempting to create its own nuclear bomb at one point. But they were also notorious for their mind-boggling incompetence, like when they tried—and failed—at developing biological weapons.
A biological terror attack can be devastatingly deadly, but Aum's attempts at germ warfare were a failure. In 1993, they modified a van to spray botulism throughout the streets of Tokyo, only to realize that they had used an inactive strain that had no effect on humans.
Not giving up, Aum tried again with anthrax. After obtaining a sample, they cultured it in a lab and then sprayed clouds of it from their headquarters' rooftop in Tokyo. The attack had the potential to kill thousands . . . but due to a mistake, they accidentally used a vaccination strain, which instead of killing, ended up immunizing people against future anthrax attacks.
Aum launched nine separate bioweapons attacks, targeting U.S. military bases, the Japanese parliament, and the Imperial Palace. Not a single person fell ill. While their nerve gas attack managed to paralyze Tokyo, their attempts at bioweapons were utterly incompetent, making Aum perhaps the most inept group you could imagine when it came to biological warfare.
