Buzz
As apple season returns, markets are brimming with varieties boasting charming names, from honeycrisp to autumn glory, alongside countless iterations of gold, sweet, delicious, sun, and beauty. However, not all apples conform to superficial, beauty-queen expectations. Some varieties refuse to lure you with names that scream, 'Aren’t I delicious? Don’t I look appealing?' Meet 18 apple types that couldn’t care less about your opinion. They’re confident in their value and don’t bother with charm. These aren’t flawed apples—they’re simply bold and unapologetic.
1. STARK’S EARLIEST
Achieves more by the end of September than most accomplish in an entire year.
2. SPARTAN
Endures freezing temperatures silently, without a single grumble.
3. BLOODY PLOUGHMAN
Legend has it that in 19th-century Scotland, a gamekeeper killed a ploughman for stealing apples. Discarded on a refuse pile, those apples gave rise to a new tree, ensuring the bloody ploughman’s legacy endured.
4. COEUR DE BOEUF
Yes, it’s called “heart of beef.” If that doesn’t make your mouth water, it’s your misfortune.
5. DOG’S SNOUT
Yes, it resembles exactly that. Got an issue with it?
6. RAZOR RUSSET
Hailing from Kentucky, this variety has no patience for your nonsense.
7. TINA CRAB APPLE
Not only is it sharp in flavor, but it might just leave a mark.
8. WINTERSTEIN
As chilly and stern as winter itself, tough and unyielding like rock.
9. NONNETIT BASTARD
Nonnetit bastard … NONNETIT BASTARD.
10. NEW ROCK PIPPIN
This isn’t the rock you’re familiar with.
11. PURITAN
Has no patience for your silly apple-bobbing games.
12. TREMLETT’S BITTER
Life has hardened it too much to retain any sweetness.
13. LEATHER COAT
Go ahead, take a bite.
14. WYKEN PIPPIN
For wicked women of the wyccan kind.
15. GLOCKENAPFEL
Considers you a fool.
16. RUSTY COAT
Hardier than a tetanus infection.
17. AMERICAN MOTHER
Touch her seedlings, and she’ll flatten you like a cider press.
18. UTTWILER SPÄTLAUBER
Known for its impressive shelf life. Comes with a heavy metal vibe.
