Buzz
With the credit crunch tightening its grip, why not take a moment to laugh at the expense of those who triggered it? Here’s a collection of witty jokes centered around finance and the credit crunch. Share your own in the comments—just keep it clean!
3. Jokes 1 – 5
Joke 1
Q: Given the current market chaos, what’s the simplest way to build a small fortune? A: Begin with a massive one.
Joke 2
Q: How is an investment banker different from a large pizza? A: A large pizza can satisfy a family of four.
Joke 3
On his deathbed, a wealthy man asked his vicar, bank manager, and lawyer to gather by his side.
He expressed his final wish to be buried with all his wealth. Handing each of them fifty thousand pounds, he requested they toss the money onto his coffin during the burial.
A few days later, the man passed away and was laid to rest. At the wake, the vicar, overwhelmed by guilt, admitted he had only thrown half the money onto the coffin, citing urgent church roof repairs. The bank manager, inspired by the confession, revealed he too had kept half, blaming the Credit Crunch for the bank's financial struggles. The lawyer, outraged, declared, 'Shame on both of you! I wrote a cheque for the full amount!'
Joke 4
Record-breaking unemployment figures have been released as the Credit Crunch deepens its impact.
The hardest-hit industries include construction and Icelandic bank robbers.
Joke 5
Q: How would you define optimism? A: An Investment Banker pressing five shirts on a Sunday night.
4. Jokes 16 – 20
Joke 16
Q: What’s the capital of Iceland? A: Roughly $0.
Joke 17
Japan is now facing uncertainty. In the past week, Origami Bank has collapsed, Sumo Bank has gone under, and Bonsai Bank has revealed plans to trim its branches. Yesterday, Karaoke Bank was put up for sale and is expected to sell cheaply, while Kamikaze Bank’s shares were halted after a steep decline. Samurai Bank is managing after severe cuts, 500 employees at Karate Bank were laid off, and analysts suspect foul play at Sushi Bank, where workers might face unfair treatment.
Joke 18
Why do real estate agents avoid looking out the window in the morning? Because it would leave them with nothing to do in the afternoon.
Joke 19
Q: How do you distinguish between an American and a Zimbabwean? A: In a few weeks, there’ll be no difference.
Joke 20
Q: When asked about his thoughts on the Credit Crunch, George Bush responded: A: 'It’s my favorite candy bar.'
Jokes sourced from: BBC News, Sickipedia, and The Daily Mail
1. Jokes 11 – 15
Joke 11
Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker share in common? A: Both have frozen assets.
Joke 12
Quote of the day (from a trader): 'This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth, and I still have a wife.'
Joke 13
Q: What’s the best way to freeze your financial assets? A: Deposit them in an Icelandic bank.
Joke 14
A lobbyist, stuck in traffic on his way home from Parliament, spots a police officer and asks, 'What’s the delay?' The officer responds, 'The Prime Minister is so downhearted he’s halted his motorcade and is threatening to pour petrol on himself and light a match. He claims no one believes he can navigate us through the credit crunch. We’re collecting donations to help.' The lobbyist inquires, 'How much have you gathered so far?' The officer replies, 'Around 40 gallons, but many are still siphoning.'
Joke 15
You know it’s a credit crunch when…
1. The ATM asks if you can spare some coins. 2. Banks are offering 'buy one, get one free' deals. 3. The IRS gives a 25% discount for cash payments. 4. UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has switched from chewing his nails to sucking his thumb. 5. Your contractor prefers payment in Zimbabwean dollars over US dollars.
2. Jokes 6 – 10
Joke 6
This morning, I visited the ATM, and it displayed 'insufficient funds.'
I’m not sure if the issue is with them or me.
Joke 7
The credit crunch is really hitting hard, isn’t it? I lent my brother $10 a few weeks ago, and now I’m apparently the third-largest lender in America.
Joke 8
I spoke to my bank manager recently, and he mentioned he’s now focusing on tackling the big issues.
He even sold me a copy outside KFC yesterday.
[NOTE: The Big Issue is a UK magazine sold by homeless individuals to earn income]
Joke 9
An investment banker’s wife decides to surprise her husband with a visit to his office. She walks in to find him in an unusual position—his secretary perched on his lap. Without missing a beat, he dictates, '...and in conclusion, gentlemen, whether there’s a credit crunch or not, I simply cannot run this office with only one chair!'
Joke 10
Q: What sets Investment Bankers apart from London pigeons? A: The pigeons can still manage to leave deposits on new BMWs.
