9 Effective Ways to Cultivate Financial Intimacy in a New Relationship

It’s tempting to avoid discussions about money because they can feel uncomfortable. However, to prevent any significant emotional misunderstandings later, it’s better to address the topic early. Within the first few weeks or months of dating, start asking questions to understand their financial situation. You can start light with questions like, “Are you more of a saver or spender?” or “Do you follow the stock market?” or “What’s your go-to splurge?” to get a sense of their general attitude towards money, and gradually move towards more detailed questions about their credit score, income, and debt as the relationship progresses.

Remember, sharing is a two-way street. Be ready to open up about your own financial behaviors, habits, debts, and history when the time is right.

If certain topics don't come up naturally, make it clear that you’d like to discuss finances. Instead of dropping a question like, “How much do you put into your 401(k) each month?” over a casual meal, approach it with something like, “When we have some free time next week, I’d love to chat about a money goal I’m working on and hear your thoughts.”

We all carry a personal money “story” shaped by the beliefs and fears surrounding money that we absorbed from our families during childhood. Asking about their upbringing can provide valuable insights into their financial mindset. Some grew up in homes where frugality was key—where discount shopping was the norm, receipts were saved, and even Ziploc bags were reused. Others came from families where extravagant spending on clothes for the first day of school was common, and winter breaks meant vacations to exotic destinations.

To better understand the money mindset they inherited, consider asking: How was money handled in your household? Were you taught to save from a young age? Did your parents give you money when you went shopping, or did you have to rely on your own? Were there frequent money-related arguments? What kind of vacations did your family take?

To keep things subtle and less uncomfortable, start the conversation by sharing one of your own financial goals. Talk about your desire to improve your budgeting skills, save enough to quit your job and freelance, pay off debt, or buy a new car. You might say something like, “I’m aiming to save enough for a down payment. Any advice?” This can open the door to an honest discussion about their financial habits without putting them on the spot. It should eventually lead to questions about their own short-term and long-term financial aspirations.

If you're early in a relationship or unsure of where to begin, consider asking hypothetical questions to understand their financial mindset. For instance: What if you won the lottery—what would you do with the prize? Would you choose a high-paying job that you don’t enjoy, or pursue a passion project that won’t make you wealthy? If you had to save half of your income in one year, what strategies would you use?

As financial expert Allison Kade shared with Business Insider, “It may feel a bit strange to say, ‘Let’s talk about money—bring your credit score and bank statements.’ But if you truly want to gauge your partner's financial situation, you can ease the tension by shifting the focus to something else and suggest, ‘I came across an article about discussing finances with your partner. How about we give it a try?’”

Considering that money disputes and “financial incompatibility” are some of the top causes of divorce, this is an issue that should not be overlooked.

• “When married, would you prefer to have a joint family account, separate personal accounts, or a mix of both?”

• “Before making a big purchase, would you talk it over with your spouse?”

• “What’s your stance on setting financial goals together?”

• “If your children wanted to take part in an activity or go on a trip that was beyond your budget, how would you handle it?”

• “At what age would you ideally like to retire?”