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Finding the perfect words for someone grieving the loss of a loved one can be challenging, but adhering to certain etiquette guidelines during the memorial service can help.
mental_floss consulted Amy Cunningham, a funeral director based in Brooklyn who operates Fitting Tribute Funeral Services, to understand what behaviors are suitable—and which are not—at a funeral or memorial service. While traditions vary, Cunningham shared universally applicable advice for any ceremony.
1. DO: CHOOSE MODEST ATTIRE
“Simplicity is key. Your role is to observe and support, not to draw attention,” Cunningham advises. Avoid bold or eye-catching clothing and accessories. While darker tones are generally recommended, wearing all black isn’t mandatory. Cunningham notes, “Black isn’t as universally expected as it once was. For instance, Maureen Dowd of the New York Times wore white at the Washington D.C. burial of journalist Diana McLellan.” (However, cultural norms vary. Different regions have their own traditional mourning colors.) Additionally, ensure your attire is clean, pressed, and well-presented.
2. DON'T: CHOOSE YOUR SEAT CARELESSLY
Typically, the front rows at a funeral service are reserved for immediate family and close friends. If you don’t fall into these categories, opt for a seat in the middle or back. Once seated, remain there quietly throughout the ceremony. If you need to cough or cry, step out to the restroom or lobby until you’ve composed yourself.
3. DO: BE YOURSELF
It’s natural to feel unsure of what to say to someone grieving a loss. That’s perfectly fine. No words can fully express your sympathy or ease their pain. Instead of overthinking, “be genuine, offer a hug, and let silence speak,” Cunningham suggests. “If they’re occupied in a receiving line, consider bringing them water or a snack.” Additionally, sending flowers or a card to their home, workplace, or the funeral home before the service is a thoughtful gesture. Aim to send these promptly.
4. DON'T: ARRIVE LATE
Cunningham advises arriving approximately 10 minutes before the funeral begins. (For larger services, consider coming 30 minutes early to secure a seat.) If you happen to be late, the Emily Post Institute suggests entering discreetly through a side aisle to avoid disruption. If a procession is underway, wait outside until it concludes. While punctuality is ideal, the family is unlikely to focus on your tardiness given the circumstances.
5. DO: EMBRACE HUMOR
If humor arises during the eulogy, feel free to laugh. (To ensure appropriateness, take cues from the family’s reactions.)
6. DON'T: POST ABOUT THE FUNERAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Ensure your phone is either turned off or set to silent mode—ideally, keep it stored in your pocket or bag. Posting about the funeral on platforms like Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat is generally inappropriate unless you’re a close family member. (In such cases, social media can be used to engage with digital memorial platforms.) While taking photos during the ceremony is discouraged, capturing group pictures with friends or family away from the main gathering is acceptable.
7. DO: INCLUDE CHILDREN
While infants should stay with a caregiver, bringing children aged six or older to a funeral is perfectly fine. There’s no need to worry about the event causing them distress. “Children often want to be involved and are less intimidated by death than we might think,” Cunningham explains.
If your child had a close relationship with the deceased, they might be invited to contribute to the ceremony. This could involve reading poetry, speaking, singing, or playing an instrument. Encourage creative participation. “Children are often underutilized in funeral ceremonies,” Cunningham notes.
8. DON'T: LET RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES UNNERVE YOU
If the service includes religious practices, there’s no need to feel uneasy if you don’t follow that faith. You aren’t obligated to participate in rituals or recite prayers aloud. Instead, “stand quietly and observe. Appreciate the diversity of global funeral traditions and ceremonies,” Cunningham advises.
9. DO: USE THE OCCASION FOR SELF-REFLECTION
While the primary purpose of attending a funeral is to honor the deceased, it’s also a chance to contemplate your own life. “Funerals inevitably confront you with life’s profound mysteries,” Cunningham explains. “They offer a moment to evaluate your beliefs about purpose, relationships, and your dedication to living meaningfully. Even without a sudden revelation, being fully present can provide valuable insights.”
