Buzz
Everyone occasionally craves some extra downtime, often coming up with wild and humorous justifications. Here’s a collection of 99 (mostly hilarious) reasons to skip work.
1. My children are stuck outside the house.
2. My children are locked inside the house.
3. My children are trapped in the doorway.
4. I need to pick up my kids.
5. I must assist my grandmother with baking cookies.
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6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies. She’s feeling much better now and wants to express her gratitude by sending cookies to everyone who visited her during her illness.
7. The water utility needs to check my meter annually, and today was their only available appointment.
8. The gas utility has an annual meter reading, and this was their sole available slot.
9. The water and gas meter technicians left notes on my door about missed visits, ended up arguing over whose meter was superior, and now I need to return home to handle the aftermath.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school, and I want to attend the ceremony.
11. My daughter is being awarded a Nobel Prize, and I wish to attend the ceremony. (Avoid using this excuse within one month of #9).
12. I need to collect my car from the repair shop. If I don’t arrive within 30 minutes, it will be inaccessible for the entire weekend.
13. I must take my car to the shop. If I don’t make it within half an hour, it will be unavailable all weekend. (Avoid using this if the boss appears alert).
14. My dog is covered in a rash, and the vet’s office closes early today.
15. My cat has developed a rash, and the vet’s clinic is closing early today.
16. My child has a rash all over, and the vet’s office is closing early today.
17. My truss broke unexpectedly.
18. My support hose burst open.
19. My fingers got glued together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m in the process of securing a mortgage for a house.
21. I’m finalizing the loan details for a car.
22. I’m sorting out the payment plan for a beef roast.
23. The sofa I ordered weeks ago has finally arrived, and this is the only delivery slot available.
24. The fridge I ordered several weeks ago has arrived, and this is the only time they can deliver it.
25. The baby we planned for nine months ago is on the way, and I believe this is the delivery time. (Note: This excuse is not for everyone, but if it’s close to accurate, it’s highly effective.)
26. I’ve been invited to join a presidential advisory committee.
27. NASA has selected me for a mission to the moon.
28. It’s the annual Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. I’m experiencing severe back pain.
30. I’m suffering from a stomachache.
31. My scalp is throbbing. (This is more acceptable than admitting to a hangover, particularly if mentioned in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is counting down.
33. I need to get my biological clock serviced.
34. My furnace is stuck on, and the goldfish are starting to cook.
35. My air conditioning is running nonstop, and the goldfish are getting frostbite.
36. Both my furnace and air conditioning are stuck on. While the goldfish are unharmed, my basement is on the verge of exploding.
37. I need to head to the airport to collect my mother.
38. I must go to the airport to fetch my minister.
39. I have to visit the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I need to accompany my mother to her doctor’s appointment.
41. I need to accompany my minister to their medical appointment.
42. I have to take my doctor to meet my minister.
43. I believe I forgot to turn off the iron.
44. I suspect I left the water running.
45. I’m worried I left the refrigerator running.
46. I’m getting married and need to go choose wedding rings.
47. I’m getting married and must go for a blood test.
48. I’m getting married and still need to decide who the lucky person is.
49. I need to get my waistband adjusted.
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50. I need to get my watchband adjusted.
51. I have to arrange for my son’s rock band to be released.
52. I’m getting my eyes examined at noon, and the drops they use will prevent me from working afterward.
53. I’m having my ears examined at noon, and the drops they administer will make it impossible for me to work later.
54. I’m getting my hats inspected at noon, and I plan to have a drink or two, so I won’t be able to work afterward.
55. I’m scheduled for a root canal procedure.
56. I’m undergoing a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with someone who’s into sadomasochistic necrophilia. (Is that taking things too far?)
58. My financial advisor wants to discuss diversifying my portfolio.
59. I need to reorganize my savings to ensure no more than $100,000 is held in any single federally insured bank.
60. I need to access my child’s piggy bank while they’re away.
61. I need to update my driver’s license.
62. I have to obtain new vehicle license plates.
63. I have to endure a lengthy queue for no apparent reason, while inefficient bureaucrats take forever to resolve minor issues in straightforward tasks. After that, I’ll quickly renew my driver’s license and get new plates.
64. I have an emergency appointment with my therapist.
65. I have an extremely urgent appointment with my therapist.
66. I’m… I… I can’t… I don’t… I JUST CAN’T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!!
67. I need to have my contact lenses adjusted.
68. I need to have my hearing aid fine-tuned.
69. I need to get my big toe recalibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees might be performing in our town.
71. My rheumatism is flaring up. A severe tornado is on the way.
72. My arthritis is acting up. A massive blizzard is approaching.
73. The pharaoh is causing trouble. A downpour of frogs is expected.
74. I need to donate blood.
75. I need to provide testimony.
76. I need to surrender.
77. I’m attending my best friend’s engagement celebration.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s marriage ceremony.
79. I’m attending my best friend’s divorce proceedings. (We all saw it coming. At the wedding, everyone tossed Minute Rice.)
80. I have a library book that’s way past its due date and needs to be returned.
81. I have a stack of unpaid parking tickets, and if I don’t settle them, I’ll face arrest.
82. The police are at the back door. Please cover for me.
83. I’m getting my nails manicured.
84. I’m getting a color analysis done.
85. I’m getting a psychiatric evaluation.
86. I’m heading to the bank.
87. I’m going to take a nap.
88. I’m about to lose my mind.
89. A close friend is critically ill, and I need to visit them at the hospital.
90. A dear friend has passed away, and I must attend the funeral home.
91. A friend is undergoing reincarnation, and I need to visit the zoo.
92. I need to investigate the damage in the ozone layer.
93. I need to admit myself to a retirement home.
94. I’m wearing in my new shoes.
95. I’m ending my relationship with my boyfriend.
96. I’m experiencing a breakout.
97. I need to collect my dry cleaning.
98. I need to choose a new car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is visiting to discuss his concept for a book about Christian fundamentalists. I decided to skip it and head to a baseball game instead.
Source: Here
Technorati Tags: excuses, Humor
