Buzz
Just three days before Valentine’s Day in 2018, I uncovered that my spouse of 13 years had been unfaithful. Mere hours later, I found myself participating in a Valentine’s Day Q&A panel led by students at the university where I teach as a psychologist specializing in social technologies.
Ironically, the panel’s focus was on fostering healthy relationships and love. While I didn’t find the event painful, I still can’t recall how I managed to get through it, other than being in a state of shock. I remember discussing how unhealthy it is to use technology to constantly monitor a partner’s location due to distrust, which was particularly ironic since I was about to do just that.
It all started with a text message from my then-husband, who told me about an incredible church service he attended in North Carolina during a supposed work trip. He sent me photos of the singers on stage, mentioning one singer by name so I could look up her music later. He claimed he was there with a work colleague and wanted to share the experience with me.
I responded by saying he was fortunate to witness such a special event. However, a quick Google search of the singer’s name and the event date revealed the church was actually in Knoxville, Tennessee. Having lived there before, I’m certain my husband knew he wasn’t in North Carolina.
After repeatedly watching video footage of the service, I spotted my husband in a yellow sweater vest I had bought him, texting me with one hand while holding another woman’s hand with the other. I was so shocked that I froze, holding my breath as if exhaling would cause the world to collapse.
That moment four years ago marked the beginning of the most agonizing months of my life.
Instead of confronting him, I became my own private investigator, quietly gathering evidence.
Financial matters had always made me anxious, and my husband had taken charge of them. Curious about what else I didn’t know, I went through the stacks of mail neatly arranged on the kitchen table, in our office, and by his bedside. I discovered he had opened multiple credit cards in my name without my knowledge.
A photo captured by the author at Farragut Dog Park in Knoxville, Tennessee, where she saw her husband with another woman.
The bills revealed shopping sprees, romantic dinners, and concerts in other states. I also uncovered a holiday card thanking him for spending Christmas with another woman’s family in Tennessee, rather than with his own children, my stepdaughters. That year, he had complained about having to work on Christmas, claiming it was to address our financial struggles. He wanted to appear as a devoted family man, calling and texting his daughters and me to check on our holiday celebrations. This was the first time in our marriage he had missed two major holidays, but he assured me it was a temporary situation. I also found receipts showing he had purchased a hoverboard for the other woman’s daughter and gift cards for her parents, while his own daughters received nothing.
I turned on his old computers and phones, which revealed extensive evidence of his infidelity, dating back to just a few years into our marriage. Emails contained receipts for flowers and communications with other women.
I discovered explicit photos, text messages, and intimate conversations. He even discussed my infertility issues with some of these women. I wondered if they knew about each other, as some were clearly aware of me.
The volume of evidence, spanning years, was staggering. The man I uncovered was not the husband I thought I had been married to for 13 years. I was devastated and ashamed that I had never suspected his infidelity, but I had trusted and loved him deeply.
Despite the overwhelming evidence, I was still in denial. I decided to make secret trips to see his infidelity firsthand. On one trip, I rented a small Jeep and drove to Knoxville.
I wasn’t sure what I’d find, but I stayed in a nice hotel, revisited my old haunts at the University of Tennessee, and attended a service at the church where I first caught him cheating via their Facebook live stream.
Using the GPS in my SUV, I tracked him to Farragut Dog Park. From a hill, I had a clear view of him with another woman. I recorded a video of myself narrating the scene, which helped me stay calm. It felt poetic to begin my healing by creating my own video, just as I had discovered his affair through one.
The author at age 4 with her Whiz Kid computer. "My passion for technology began early in life," she writes.
After witnessing the truth firsthand, I no longer felt the need to keep this secret. I shared the news with those closest to me, including my stepdaughters and sisters-in-law, believing they deserved to hear it directly from me. My husband learned I was leaving him through his own family. I didn’t bother confronting him directly. In our sparse text exchanges, he continued to deny everything, insisting our relationship would improve once his out-of-state training ended. He admitted to nothing.
Before our divorce was finalized, my husband and the woman he had been cheating with welcomed a baby. My health insurance company made a significant error when I transferred my policy, mistakenly adding the baby to my account. Although the claim was denied, I saw the baby’s name, and the pain it caused was overwhelming, leaving me in tears and gasping for air.
My ex-husband and I had been trying to conceive, and during grad school, I had compiled a list of gender-neutral names for a potential daughter. He took my favorite name and gave it to his son. Seeing that name on my health insurance account felt like the final blow, as if there was nothing left for him to take. I wondered if the child’s mother knew the origin of the name or that she wasn’t the only one in his life. Over time, I realized blessings come in unexpected forms, and I am grateful I never had a child with him.
In the months following our separation, I felt physically and emotionally drained. My weight fluctuated, I suffered constant headaches, and I was too exhausted to cry or even vomit, despite the nausea.
I made it my mission to erase him from my life, starting with social media. After 15 years together, this was no small task.
In a caffeine-fueled frenzy, I spent a week removing his digital presence. It wasn’t perfect—I remained connected to some in-laws and mutual friends, and I couldn’t delete photos of him from my family’s social media pages, like old reunion pictures.
These digital remnants are a permanent reminder of the past.
Despite my expertise in social technologies, I had never fully grasped the pain they could cause. Since childhood, I had cherished technology, starting with my first “computer,” the Whiz Kid. Later, my love for gaming brought my husband and me closer. Technology had always brought me joy, both personally and professionally, but I now understood its potential to inflict suffering.
The author sitting in the courthouse hallway, waiting for her divorce proceedings to begin.
As my divorce finalized just before 2020, I came to terms with the possibility that I might never achieve my dream of becoming a leading researcher in social technology. The pain is still too raw.
Despite everything I endured, I held my head high. I continued teaching, working, and managing an active research lab where students explore the complexities of social technologies. For the first time, I lived independently, even purchasing a car on my own. I felt empowered knowing I was in control of my finances.
I took steps to distance myself from my ex’s toxic behavior. I confronted him once after finding notes he left on my car at work, but I didn’t see him again until our court meeting.
Now, I’m in a new relationship with a kind and understanding partner. Given my trust issues, we’re taking things slow. Our early days were filled with long phone calls, reminiscent of teenage romance. He listens to my experiences, shows empathy, and is transparent in his actions. His small gestures, like leaving his email open or his phone unlocked, make me smile. It’s refreshing to be with someone so calm, reliable, and consistent.
I still carry trauma from my marriage and my ex-husband’s infidelity. Some wounds may never fully heal, especially since he passed away last year. There are moments I wish I had confronted him about everything I knew, and other times I feel empathy for the pain he experienced at the end of his life. Relationships are complex, and betrayal leaves a lasting, confusing impact. Yet, I am moving forward.
Some family members found it ironic that I teach “Couples & Family Therapy” after such a painful experience. But just as an oncologist isn’t immune to cancer, I’m not immune to family struggles. The difference lies in how we respond and apply our expertise to navigate life’s challenges, striving to live by the truths we teach.
Dr. Samantha Gray is an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the University of Indianapolis. She teaches courses such as Research Methods and Statistics, Interventions with Couples & Families, and Lifespan Development. She also leads a research lab exploring the psychological impacts of modern tech-mediated platforms like social media and gaming.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost in 2022.
