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Losing someone close to you is an emotionally taxing experience. Even when their passing is expected due to a terminal illness, the actual moment of loss can still feel overwhelming. Additionally, there are times when we must not only grieve but also speak publicly about the deceased in front of others who are equally heartbroken.
Being tasked with writing or delivering a eulogy is both an honor and a challenge. While it’s important to honor the deceased appropriately, you may also be grappling with your own grief, making the responsibility feel daunting. Where do you begin? This guide provides a clear, step-by-step approach to creating and presenting a heartfelt eulogy.
What do audiences expect from a eulogy?
Before diving into writing, it’s beneficial to understand what a eulogy should achieve. As outlined by Funeral Wise, a resource offering expert advice on matters related to death and funerals, a eulogy serves three key purposes: honoring the deceased, celebrating their unique life, and sharing meaningful memories about them.
In the same vein, Diana Raab, Ph.D., a psychologist and author, emphasizes to Mytour that listeners seek to connect with the essence of the person being remembered. However, there’s no strict formula for crafting a eulogy. “The critical element is authenticity,” she notes. “It should reflect a genuine understanding and appreciation of the individual.”
Be kind to yourself
It’s crucial to recognize that you’re likely grieving while tasked with writing and delivering a eulogy. Grief can significantly impact your mental clarity and focus, making even routine tasks challenging—let alone composing a heartfelt tribute. As you begin, remember that struggling to concentrate or find the right words is completely normal. The experts at Funeral Wise suggest pausing to breathe and process your emotions if you feel overwhelmed.
While crafting the eulogy, you might feel pressured to perfectly encapsulate and honor the deceased’s life, fearing you might disappoint others. Keep in mind that your audience will be supportive and understanding, recognizing the difficulty of your task.
Preparation before writing
Facing a blank page while attempting to craft words that bring comfort during a time of loss can feel overwhelming. To ease this process, some preparation is key. Keep in mind that while you may be the one delivering the eulogy, others likely have their own memories and reflections about the deceased. Funeral Wise recommends reaching out to them for stories, ideas, and answers to any questions you might have. After gathering this input, compile a list of potential topics for the eulogy, drawing from both others’ contributions and your own thoughts.
If you’re unsure what to include, consider using the H.A.M. method. As suggested by Funeral Wise, this approach helps cover the key aspects of a person’s life succinctly. H.A.M. stands for highlights, attributes, and memories:
Highlights: What were the individual’s most notable achievements and life milestones?
Attributes: What qualities defined the person?
Memories: Are there any cherished moments that offer insight and stir emotions?
In certain situations—particularly when someone is aware of their impending death—they might begin planning their funeral or specify particular wishes, such as who should deliver their eulogy. This was my experience when my mother, who had cancer, asked me to give her eulogy and insisted it be humorous. “Everyone will be so sad at my funeral,” she said with a serious expression. “I want you to share funny stories about me to make them laugh.” While not every situation is this clear, any guidance or preferences shared by the person before their passing can be invaluable when preparing their eulogy.
Once you’ve gathered ideas, look for ways to weave together memories, stories, and background information about the person into a cohesive theme that reflects their personality. As Funeral Wise notes, potential themes for the eulogy often emerge during preparation, and it’s common for multiple themes to surface:
For instance, you might begin by highlighting the serious passions that defined the person’s life, then seamlessly incorporate humorous anecdotes. Alternatively, you could open the eulogy with a thought-provoking question or a single story that encapsulates their life. The overarching theme will serve as the thread that ties your eulogy together.
With your ideas and theme in place, organize your thoughts into a structured outline. Map out the key points and their sequence to create a framework for fleshing out the details.
Crafting the eulogy
Even if you’re an experienced public speaker, it’s wise to write out the entire eulogy—or at least the majority of it—before delivering it. The emotional intensity of the moment can be overwhelming, and having even the most obvious details written down ensures you stay on track.
For instance, Raab advises starting by introducing yourself and explaining your relationship with the deceased. Since you may not know everyone present, this helps the audience understand your connection to the person. Similarly, she recommends expressing sympathy to the immediate family and close friends in attendance.
As you flesh out your outline and choose which stories to include, aim to recall as many specific details as possible. “The more precise, the better,” Raab emphasizes. For example, rather than simply stating that the deceased enjoyed helping others, describe a particular instance where they demonstrated this trait, creating a clearer and more engaging picture of their life.
This is not a time for revenge.
While deciding what to include, maintain a consistent tone and approach, Raab advises. She stresses, “this is not a time for revenge”—ensure your remarks remain positive. Raab also suggests concluding the eulogy with a meaningful quote or piece of wisdom from the deceased. This helps unify your speech and leaves the audience with a lasting, uplifting memory from an otherwise somber occasion.
Practical aspects of delivering a eulogy
After completing a draft of the eulogy, review and refine it. Begin by reading it aloud to identify repetitive sections that can be trimmed and areas that need more detail. This practice also helps you spot any awkward or unclear phrasing before you present it publicly. If possible, seek feedback from someone you trust to identify further improvements or areas to streamline.
If you’re among several speakers at a funeral or memorial, Raab advises offering a unique perspective to avoid redundancy. While every service varies, she recommends keeping eulogies between three and six minutes when multiple people are speaking. If you’re the sole speaker, you can extend it to 10 to 15 minutes, though there’s no obligation to do so. A 10-minute eulogy typically spans around 1,300 words, but this depends on your speaking pace. If you’re uncertain about the length, consult the event organizer or officiant for guidance.
Presenting the eulogy
As with any public speaking engagement, practicing your eulogy beforehand is crucial. Raab recommends rehearsing in front of a mirror to build confidence. The more you practice, the more composed and prepared you’ll feel during the actual delivery.
It’s worth noting that the person who writes the eulogy doesn’t necessarily have to deliver it. If you’ve written the eulogy but feel unable to present it, it’s entirely acceptable to ask someone else to read it for you. In fact, Funeral Wise recommends having a backup plan even if you plan to deliver it yourself. Knowing there’s a fallback option can provide reassurance, even if you don’t end up needing it.
It’s perfectly acceptable to ask someone else to read the eulogy on your behalf.
When you’re standing before the audience delivering the eulogy, remember to speak at a steady, clear pace. Allow time for the audience to respond to humorous moments or recover from emotional ones. Do your best to stay calm during the delivery. If possible, familiarize yourself with the podium or microphone beforehand to address any potential issues, such as adjusting the microphone or deciding where to place your hands or a water bottle.
If you’re worried about becoming too emotional while speaking, Funeral Wise suggests avoiding direct eye contact with individuals in the crowd:
Some attendees may react emotionally to parts of your speech or the funeral itself. Emotions can spread quickly. Instead of making eye contact, try focusing slightly above the audience or on the group as a whole.
If you do become emotional, that’s completely okay. Remember, the audience is supportive and understands your grief. No one expects a perfect, polished speech. If you stumble, skip a section, or make what you think is a mistake, chances are the audience won’t notice—and if they do, they’ll empathize with your situation. By standing up and speaking, you’re offering everyone a chance to reflect on the life of someone who meant something to everyone present.
