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It can be incredibly frustrating to see someone you care about—or even an anonymous online user—engaging in unhealthy behaviors. Whether it’s smoking, maintaining a poor diet, or blindly following questionable health advice, these decisions can be concerning. Here’s how to approach them constructively.
Setting Boundaries is Acceptable (But It’s Not a Solution)
It’s perfectly reasonable to ask a smoker to step outside or to avoid scheduling playdates with unvaccinated children. If someone’s unhealthy choices could impact you, protecting yourself is justified. Similarly, if your social media is flooded with misleading claims about miracle cures, feel free to unfollow or discreetly mute the source.
However, distancing yourself isn’t the same as offering support. Cutting someone off rarely inspires self-reflection; more often, it breeds resentment. If the person is a loved one, finding a balance between supporting them and maintaining your boundaries is key. They may eventually seek help, and you’ll want to be there when they do.
The Ineffectiveness of Shaming
"I doubt that calling someone foolish is helpful when they’re dealing with what they perceive as a critical matter affecting their child’s well-being," remarked NPR’s social science correspondent during a discussion about vaccine skeptics.
Health-related messages often have the opposite effect, particularly when directed at individuals within close-knit communities, such as anti-vaccine advocates or natural health enthusiasts. Criticism from mainstream sources can reinforce their resistance, driving them deeper into their group’s insulated beliefs.
A recent perspective shared by Gizmodo suggests that shaming a movement can deter people from engaging with it. However, this approach requires patience. Despite decades of anti-smoking campaigns, over 17 percent of Americans continue to smoke, proving that shaming is far from the most effective strategy.
Why is this the case? Tara Haelle of Forbes cites David Ropeik, a former director of risk communication at the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis, who explains:
"When the beliefs of a group are questioned, opposing the group feels threatening," Ropeik explained, emphasizing that humans, as social beings, have evolved to depend on their communities for safety. "Instead, we defend the group," and in this context, the "group" refers to other parents who choose not to vaccinate.
Shame can also have unintended consequences even when the message isn’t overtly hostile. In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, overweight women who read an article portraying them as undesirable to employers—viewed as "lacking willpower"—felt more frustrated, less in control of their weight, and consumed more snacks afterward compared to a control group. Experts from Yale’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity concur, stating in a comprehensive review: "Stigmatizing obese individuals harms health, exacerbates disparities, and undermines effective obesity interventions."
While harsh messages can sometimes be effective, their success depends more on the individual than the message itself. However, these messages are already widespread. You’re not the first to advise someone to quit smoking, exercise more, or vaccinate their children. They’ve heard it before, and it hasn’t worked.
What Actually Works: Emphasizing the Advantages
After abandoning shame, the next logical approach might seem to be correcting the misinformation that led your friend to adopt harmful beliefs. Unfortunately, this strategy is also ineffective.
This approach is often referred to as the deficit model, as it presumes that individuals lack certain knowledge. By filling this gap, they are expected to gain clarity, and the issue is resolved. However, people cling tightly to their deeply held beliefs. We are influenced by confirmation bias—retaining and accepting information that aligns with our existing views while dismissing anything contradictory as irrelevant or incorrect.
Public health professionals often discuss the most effective ways to communicate health messages, and one standout strategy is to present behavior changes by emphasizing their advantages. This is akin to the Doctor Oz method: convince them of the positive impact the change will have on their lives.
For instance, someone who stops smoking will start reaping benefits almost instantly: their blood pressure decreases within minutes, and within months, their lung function improves significantly. Adopting a healthy diet and regular exercise enhances heart health and boosts psychological well-being, such as self-esteem, even if weight loss doesn’t occur. To effectively support others, focus on these positive outcomes.
Additionally, avoid making assumptions about a person’s motivations. Not all vaccine skeptics are the same; while some are staunchly opposed, many fall somewhere on a spectrum, harboring concerns that currently lead them to delay or avoid vaccinations. Ultimately, their goal aligns with that of any parent: ensuring their child’s well-being. Compassionately explaining how vaccines support, rather than hinder, this goal is far more effective than shaming or overwhelming them with information.
Inquiring about their motivations can be a productive way to engage, provided your questions remain respectful. This method offers two advantages: it helps you understand the root of their concerns, and it may prompt them to recognize gaps in their knowledge—such as anti-GMO activists who struggle to define what GMOs are.
In the End, It’s Their Decision
Respect is crucial, not only because it builds trust, but because it’s their life, not yours. Consider the American Cancer Society’s top advice on supporting a friend who wants to quit smoking:
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acknowledge that the person quitting is in control. This is their journey and their challenge, not yours.
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ask if they’d like you to check in regularly. Inquire about their overall well-being, not just whether they’ve stayed smoke-free.
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reassure them that they can reach out to you anytime they need motivation or encouragement.
Even someone who understands the facts and desires to change might delay taking the first steps. Overcoming an addiction or breaking a bad habit is a complex and demanding process. If you haven’t experienced it, you might underestimate the mental energy required; even if you have, it’s easy to forget the struggle.
Additionally, willpower is limited. A fast-food enthusiast might return to McDonald’s because they lacked the time to prepare a healthy meal, the skills to cook something tasty, or the foresight to shop for groceries earlier. They may have prioritized other pressing matters in their life. During stressful periods, making significant lifestyle changes becomes even harder, and they might need to wait for a better time.
If they seek your assistance, you can help them create systems to manage their decisions (e.g., sharing quick recipes with the fast-food lover or distracting the smoker during cravings). Sharing your own experiences can also be impactful: "I once had doubts about vaccines but chose to vaccinate my children, and here’s why."
Convincing someone is challenging, but it’s a skill you can develop. No single approach works every time, but by showing respect and offering support instead of shaming, you increase the likelihood of encouraging them to adopt healthier habits.
Images by didora, Andrew Derr, corbac40, lineartestpilot, glasseyes view, Grey World, Lars Plougmann, and MsSaraKelly.
