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How much of what you were taught in school do you still recall? More importantly, how much of it do you actually use in your everyday life? While we might not need to remember the Pythagorean theorem or the details of the Spanish-American War, it's crucial to understand the emotions and actions of those around us—and our own. However, most of us never learned how to identify or manage our emotions or those of others. These are valuable skills, yet they're rarely taught in a classroom setting.
Emotional intelligence refers to a concept used by psychologists to describe how well individuals can handle their own emotions and respond to the feelings of others. Those with high emotional intelligence possess the subtle yet vital abilities necessary for success in life, such as conflict resolution, understanding and addressing others' needs, and controlling their own emotions to prevent them from disrupting their lives. In this guide, we’ll explore emotional intelligence and provide insights on how to develop your own.
What is emotional intelligence?
The concept of measuring emotional intelligence is a relatively recent development in psychology, emerging in the mid-1980s. Various models are being crafted, but for our discussion, we’ll focus on the “mixed model,” a theory pioneered by psychologist Daniel Goleman. Goleman first encountered the term “emotional intelligence” in 1990, while working as a science journalist for The New York Times, when he stumbled upon an article in a lesser-known academic journal by psychologists John Mayer and Peter Salovey, who introduced the foundational idea of emotional intelligence. Fifteen years later, Goleman contributed an article to the same publication, outlining the five essential aspects of the mixed model of emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: Self-awareness involves recognizing your own emotions. This includes an honest evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses, knowing when to seek assistance, and understanding your emotional triggers.
Self-management: This skill entails regulating your emotions to avoid disruptions. It involves controlling impulsive reactions, handling conflicts calmly, and steering clear of behaviors like prolonged self-pity or panic that hinder progress.
Motivation: While many people are driven by rewards such as money or status, Goleman’s model emphasizes motivation rooted in intrinsic values like personal fulfillment, curiosity, and the joy of being productive.
Empathy: The previous categories focus on one’s internal emotions, but empathy is about understanding and responding to the emotions of others. It involves the ability to recognize and react appropriately to others’ feelings.
Social skills: This category combines empathy with the ability to balance your needs with the needs of others. It includes finding common ground, managing relationships in professional settings, and effectively persuading others.
For more details on these various emotional intelligence domains, you can explore further here. The sequence of these emotional competencies is not necessarily fixed, as we typically develop these skills simultaneously throughout life. It’s also important to note that, for our current purposes, we’ll be using this as a reference tool. Emotional intelligence is not a skill most people receive formal training in. We’ll let psychologists debate the technicalities, but for now, let’s dive into understanding what each of these skills entails and how to cultivate them in your personal life.
Self-awareness
Before taking any further steps, it’s essential to recognize and understand your emotions. Enhancing self-awareness is the foundational step in identifying the challenges you're encountering. Here are some strategies to help you build your self-awareness:
Keep a journal: Kick off your journey toward self-awareness by maintaining an emotional journal. Each day, jot down the events of your day, how they made you feel, and your reactions to them. Every so often, review your journal to notice any recurring patterns or moments when you may have overreacted to a situation.
Seek feedback from others: As we've discussed regarding self-perception, input from those around you can be incredibly valuable. Ask several people who know you well to identify your strengths and weaknesses. Note their responses, compare them, and look for patterns. Most importantly, refrain from arguing with them. They don’t have to be correct; you're simply trying to get an external perspective on your self-awareness.
Slow down (or meditate): Emotions tend to spiral when we lack time to process them or calm down. Next time you feel an intense emotional reaction, try pausing before you act (this is even easier online, where you can take a moment before responding). Alternatively, meditation can help slow down your mind and allow space for your emotional state to settle.
If intentional self-awareness is new to you, these tips should provide a useful starting point. Personally, I find going on long walks or engaging in self-dialogue about what's bothering me very helpful. Often, the things I say to an imagined conversation partner offer me surprising insights into what’s truly troubling me. The key is looking inward, instead of focusing purely on external circumstances.
Self-management
Once you understand your emotional responses, you can begin to manage them. Effective self-management involves regulating your reactions, identifying external influences versus internal overreactions, and prioritizing what truly benefits your well-being.
A useful approach to managing emotions is by altering your sensory input. You’ve probably heard the advice to count to ten and breathe when you’re upset. Speaking from my own experience with depression and anger, I find this often doesn’t work (but if it helps you, that’s great). However, shocking your body out of its pattern can help disrupt the emotional cycle. If you’re feeling sluggish, get moving with some exercise. If you’re stuck in an emotional loop, give yourself a mental “snap out of it” and break the pattern. Sometimes, a small physical shift can reset your emotional state.
Mytour alum Adam Dachis also suggests channeling emotional energy into something constructive. It’s okay to allow yourself a moment to feel intense emotions if it’s not the right time to express them. However, when you do, instead of venting aimlessly, try redirecting that energy into something productive:
I recently took up tennis as a hobby, fully aware that I would never be great at it due to starting so late. Still, I’ve improved and discovered that I have a slight aptitude for the game. Now, when I don’t perform well, I recognize it and tend to be hard on myself. Facing opponents with far superior skills tends to trigger frustration, but instead of expressing that anger, I choose to acknowledge it and channel it into my motivation to practice even harder. Whether it's in sports, work, or daily life, we can often get too comfortable with our abilities and forget that growth is always possible. When frustration strikes, use it as fuel to improve instead of letting it hold you back.
You can’t always control the events that trigger certain emotions, but you do have control over how you react to them. If you struggle with impulse control, try to find ways to seek support during calmer moments. Not every emotion can be simply released. My personal experience with depression taught me that some emotions linger long after the initial surge. However, there are moments when those feelings begin to lose their intensity. In those times, take advantage of the opportunity to reach out for help.
Motivation
Motivation is a frequent topic of conversation. When it comes to emotional intelligence, however, motivation isn't just about finding the energy to get to work. It's about that internal drive to achieve something meaningful. This drive is far from just motivational fluff. As Goleman points out in Psychology Today, a specific area in your prefrontal cortex becomes activated simply by thinking about the prospect of accomplishing a significant goal.
Whether your goal is to advance in your career, build a family, or create something artistic, everyone has aspirations they want to fulfill in life. When motivation is on your side, it connects your aspirations with practical actions. If you want to start a family, motivated individuals begin the process by dating. If you aim to enhance your career, motivated people will educate themselves, apply for new opportunities, or pursue promotions.
Goleman suggests that to harness this motivation effectively, it's crucial to first identify your personal values. Many of us are so caught up in the busyness of life that we neglect to consider what truly matters to us. Or even worse, we may engage in work that goes against our core values for so long that we lose our sense of motivation altogether.
While we can't provide the exact answer to what you want in life, there are many strategies you can explore. Keep a journal to reflect on moments when you felt truly fulfilled. Create a list of your values. Above all, embrace the uncertainty of life and begin building something meaningful. Fitness expert Michael Mantell, Ph.D., recommends starting small by accomplishing more manageable successes. Remember, every person who has achieved something you desire did so gradually, over time.
Empathy
Your emotions are only one half of every relationship you have. While you focus primarily on your own feelings, that’s simply because you’re with yourself every single day. But the other people in your life have their own set of emotions, desires, triggers, and fears. Empathy is your most vital skill for navigating your relationships. Empathy is a lifelong skill, and here are some ways you can practice it:
Stop talking and truly listen: Let’s begin with the toughest one, as it’s the most important. You can’t fully live someone else's life to understand them, but you can listen. Listening means allowing someone to speak without interrupting or challenging what they’re saying. It’s about setting aside your biases and doubts to give the person space to express their feelings. Empathy isn’t easy, but almost every relationship can improve if you simply wait a little longer before you jump back into the conversation.
Take the opposite side: One of the quickest ways to solidify your own stance is to argue for it. To break this habit, try adopting the opposite perspective. If you feel your boss is being unreasonable, imagine defending their actions in your mind. Would you view their actions differently if you were in their shoes? Even considering these questions can help you begin to empathize with another viewpoint (though, of course, hearing other people’s opinions can also help).
Don’t just know, truly understand: Understanding is the key to empathy. As we’ve mentioned before, understanding separates simple knowledge from true empathy. If you catch yourself saying, “I know, but,” often, it’s a signal to pause. When someone shares an experience you haven’t had, take some time to reflect on how different your life would be if you went through something similar every day. Read more about it until it resonates with you. You don’t need to devote all your time to someone else’s world, but even small moments of thought—like while working—can make a difference.
Empathy, by definition, involves diving deep into someone else's emotional world. It’s about letting their experiences echo with your own, and responding with sensitivity. It’s fine to offer advice or optimism, but empathy requires waiting for the right moment. If someone is on the verge of tears or sharing profound pain, don’t belittle it or try to downplay the hurt. Be aware of how they must be feeling and give them the space they need to process it.
Social skills
Trying to cover all social skills in one article would be like attempting to condense the complexities of astrophysics into a brief paragraph. However, the tools developed in the other four emotional intelligence areas will help tackle many of the social challenges that still plague adults. As Goleman explains, your social abilities influence everything from career performance to romantic relationships:
Social competence isn’t just about being outgoing. It’s a broad set of skills, ranging from the ability to tune into others' emotions and understand their perspectives, to excelling in collaboration and team efforts, to mastering negotiation. All of these are skills that can be learned. While we can improve on any of them, it requires time, dedication, and persistence. Having a role model who demonstrates the skill you want to develop is helpful, but it’s also essential to practice during real-life situations—whether it’s listening to a teenager or engaging in a work-related conversation.
One of the most common social issues you’ll face is resolving disagreements. This is where you get to apply all your skills in a practical situation. We’ve covered this in depth here, but here are the basic steps to follow:
Recognize and manage your emotions: Arguments can escalate quickly, especially when emotions run high. If someone involved is upset, address that issue first. Take a break, vent if necessary, and return to the conversation when you're calmer. In a professional setting, this could mean taking a moment to vent to a colleague before responding to an email from your boss. In a personal relationship, remind your partner that you care about them before offering criticism. And always avoid telling someone to 'calm down'—it rarely helps.
Handle the real issues once you're both calm: After cooling down, clarify the root of the conflict. Before jumping into solutions, make sure both of you understand what the actual problems are. Propose mutually beneficial solutions and be considerate of any compromises the other person might not be willing to make (but don't hesitate to stand firm on your own needs).
End on a cooperative note: Whether in work or personal life, relationships thrive when everyone involved knows they’re working toward the same goal. Even if you don’t reach a resolution right away, make sure your final message is one of cooperation. Let your boss/coworker/partner know that you’re aligned in your overall objectives, even if your views differ.
Not all interactions with others will necessarily lead to conflict. Some social skills simply involve meeting new people, engaging with individuals who have different perspectives, or even playing games. Nevertheless, conflict resolution is one of the most effective ways to practice your emotional intelligence. The best way to resolve disputes is by understanding your own desires, communicating them clearly, being aware of what the other person wants, and reaching mutually beneficial outcomes. If you've been following along, you’ll see that this process taps into all aspects of the emotional intelligence model.
